“We’ve been studying the long-term stresses smoking places on multiple human body systems for decades,” Wilson told reporters. “Smoking is functionally equivalent to paying someone to slowly kill you with poison, but it also does make you look badass and maybe even a little sophisticated, if you can pull off that vibe.”

A panel of FDA-affiliated researchers begrudgingly supported Wilson’s claims.

“Whether you’re holding the cig in your mouth and wearily shielding the lighter from the cold winter air or expectantly holding the cig as someone lights it for you, we can’t deny that you look cool as shit,” conceded Dr. Florence Lorne. “Despite our strong recommendations against smoking based on a long-standing, rock-solid scientific consensus, it remains indisputable that smoking is extremely cool and generally makes you look much cooler than if you didn’t smoke.”

The panelists concluded the press conference by noting that smoking hand-rolled cigarettes puts you on another goddamn level.