“Ya, it häz been increhdibly difficult,” said Müller, wearing lederhosen with clogs and holding a pretzel. “Each day, I find myself in zis oppressive cycle of self-löathing thoughts und nëgative feelings. Ze darkness is taking hold of me.”

“I feel as though zis wörld haz been cohld und crhuel to me,” continued Müller, his cute little cheeks turning apple-red as tears began to flow. “Oh mein Gott!”

At press time, a little Italian boy felt-a like his-a life was collapsing in on itself-a.