Sebastian's articles
There’s been a lot of talk lately about these hurricanes: hundreds dead, thousands displaced, millions of dollars in damages. It seems like no matter how you look at it, there’s no upside to the utter destruction these disasters have brought. But the U.S.
Recent reports indicate jubilation from sophomore Alex McDougal, who had a paper pushed back six days due to a horrible and destructive event in his professor’s life.
“Let’s go dude,” McDougal texted enthusiastically to a classmate after their professor’s son was diagnosed with a debilitating chronic illness.
The family and authorities of missing hiker Alexa Stewart have said there may still be hope for her return, but, like, c’mon guys. She’s totally dead.
“She’s an experienced hiker who can walk large stretches alone,” her mother said, ignoring the fact that Stewart had been missing for over three months now.
Sources report that Hans Müller, a tiny little German boy, has been caught up in his fear of the world around him and can’t handle ze veight of it all!!!
“Ya, it häz been increhdibly difficult,” said Müller, wearing lederhosen with clogs and holding a pretzel.
The Colonels of the United States Joint Armed Forces announced plans on Friday to change the term for their position to something that was not only more ridiculous but harder to spell.
“Our intention is to solve the single most pressing issue with the military today—it’s too easy to spell and pronounce ‘colonel,’” reads the introduction to the report, which ran several hundred pages and cost roughly $750 million to produce.
In a moment of contemplative solitude, sophomore Charlie Dalton found a smooth, little rock and touched it for far too long before throwing it into the water.
“It was a nice rock,” said Dalton, who found the stone lying near the bank of a serene river.
A local racehorse is so dialed in that he doesn’t even need his regulation side blinders, instead opting for a more natural approach to his craft. “He’s really just more interested in the task at hand,” said Fred Fandango, Jockey of Sloppy Retreat, a 1,100-pound beast comprised mostly of testosterone, adrenaline, and muscle who’s never needed blinders in his life.
Clients were left confused and enraged after posing for a street vendor who makes his living claiming to draw his subjects in a disgusting, exaggerated manner but left them feeling good about themselves. “This is ridiculous; I feel like I’ve been totally swindled!” one client said while looking at a portrait depicting him with stellar bone structure, an intact hairline, and overall evidence of grooming that simply wasn’t there.
After fighting the urge to taste the oh-so-savory taste of the glowing crystal salt lamp on his roommate’s bedside table for as long as he could, reports indicate that sophomore Tom Davis licked that Himalayan salt lamp.
“I just couldn’t help myself,” said Davis, the mysterious rock, which in any other context would have elicited a reverence strong enough to start entire religions, just kind of sitting on the table, beckoning him to take a lick.
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