“One of the reasons I came to Brown was for its diverse study body,” said Welsher, explaining her eagerness to form a robust pack of guerilla warriors in anticipation of the second American Civil War. “I’ve already met so many cool people from around the world with unique backgrounds in swordsmanship and tomahawk throwing.”

“I feel like there are so many people I’d love to keep hanging out with," Welsher said, stressing the importance of establishing friendly connections with those most skilled in the art of warfare. "James is from San Francisco and can suture a knife wound in sixty seconds, Vanessa is from Seattle and brought a suitcase full of landmines, and Donovan can shoot a bullseye from a quarter mile away on horseback! I know I got a 1600 on the SAT, but the imposter syndrome is still totally real.”

“It’s so hard to know who really wants to be your friend and who’s being fake,” remarked Welsher after practicing some new battle cries. “But after making a few blood pacts, I could totally see myself forging those college friendships that’ll last a lifetime. Or at least until the enemy pillages our fort and leaves us for dead.”

At press time, Welsher and her friends asked a senior to buy them vodka for sanitizing battle wounds.