“She doesn’t even have a Bible verse in her Instagram bio,” said Luchs, wondering why someone who’s really not that religious would ever want to walk down the aisle before her prefrontal cortex has fully developed. “One time, during a frog dissection, Jessica mentioned that she belongs to a local parish but only goes to church on Christmas and Easter, which really doesn’t seem like the behavior of a woman so incredibly religious that she wants to tie the knot at age twenty three.”

Luchs racked her brain for signs that her former lab partner is actually so devoted to God that making a lifelong commitment to her boyfriend of two years seems like a good idea. Unfortunately, her efforts proved fruitless, as she could only remember that Crawford once alluded to the existence of Heaven while talking about her dead grandmother.

“She definitely used the Lord’s name in vain when we cut into that dead frog,” added Luchs, concluding that Crawford really isn’t that religious despite living out every Christian blogger’s dream. “I guess I’ll never know why Jessica’s getting married so young, but if it’s not for religion, I can only hope it’s for money.”

At press time, Luchs discovered that a girl from her Spanish class who didn’t even get a part in the Spring musical landed a role off-Broadway.