In an upsetting, but not surprising, turn of events, the guy who refused to buy you Plan B is reposting a Roe V. Wade infographic on Instagram right now.
“I am absolutely heartbroken for the millions of females who no longer have the choice to make informed decisions about their own bodies,” captioned the guy who ignored your requests to buy emergency contraception, despite being largely responsible for the potential pregnancy.
Engaged in a romantic rendezvous for the ages, sophomore Claire Kane has a love life that is absolutely insane by 19th century courtship standards.
“He’s totally checking me out from the water bottle refill station right now,” said Kane, staring at her suitor from across the Sci Li, titillated by the prospect of a short-term, morally depraved romance beyond the sacred bond of wedlock.
Heading into his final year of college, senior Andrew Tonuzi cannot wait to pursue his post-grad plans of thinking about going to law school.
“I just can’t wait to get out of here so I can start the next chapter of my life: the one where I think about going to law school,” said Tonuzi, doing a quick Google search for “good LSAT book.” “College has been awesome, but I’m ready for the real world, and, for me, that means thinking about going to law school.”
Although Tonuzi is eager for post-grad life, he still plans to savor his final days in college, as he will soon endure the incredibly demanding schedule of thinking about going to law school.
Cradled safely in the arms of its Carhartt-clad owner, sophomore Riley Kang’s skateboard is mostly held.
“I do kickflips and switch ollies all the time,” reported Kang, clutching his mint-condition skateboard under his arm instead of riding it.
Grinning from ear to ear as she shows off her most recent “morning babe” text, senior Sarah Hampson gleefully announced that she’s dating “the one” when she’s actually just dating Liam.
“I know that we’ve only been going out for a few weeks, but I really think that Liam is the one,” said Hampson, fawning over a picture of Liam on his weekend fishing trip with the boys.
Prepared for another two weeks of students scrambling to select their courses, the Critical Review will offer no criticism nor review for literally any class you’re thinking of taking this semester. “We know that Shopping Period can be stressful, and we want to alleviate that stress however we can,” said the publication’s editor-in-chief, finalizing reports on absolutely any class except for the ones you’re hoping to take this fall.
Hey guys! Thanks so much for inviting me to your little party tonight! It was so sweet of you to think of me, Jesus Christ, the only begotten son of God, when you were planning this thing, and I super appreciate you reaching out.
Unfortunately, I have to atone for all of humanity’s sins tonight by shedding my blood on the cross and dying in an extremely painful and public execution, so I don’t think I’ll be able to stop by your little shindig :( I really wish that I could make it, but there are just so many sins that I have to atone for.
Savoring every second with the most inconspicuous sculpture on the Main Green, prospective student Darren Whitely can’t help but share his immense interest in the Rock Tree with the rest of his tour group.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Whitely, who has seen plenty of rocks, trees, and rocks near trees before laying eyes on the public art piece.
Enjoying a super chill afternoon on the Main Green, a group of students tossed around a frisbee for a little bit before stripping down to their underwear and performing an intense pole dance routine for all of Brown’s campus to see.
“Nothing beats a laid-back afternoon on the Main Green,” said sophomore Dylan Rodrigo, hoisting himself onto a metal pole and deftly twirling around it in nothing but boxer briefs and body glitter.
Demonstrating their unwavering commitment to community health and wellness, Brown’s administration recently announced their plans to address students’ mental health concerns with a spin art frisbee booth at Spring Weekend.
“I’ve read extensively about the mental health crisis on college campuses, and hosting a spin art frisbee booth is by far the most effective intervention,” said Vice President for Campus Life Eric Estes, ignoring missed calls from overworked CAPS therapists so that he could pour acrylic paint into little squeezy bottles.
Finishing his emails as though there are any job recruiters in his field, junior Austin Wreski uses an email signature that’s way too professional for a person concentrating in Medieval Studies.
“I’d totally understand the elaborate email signature if Austin was studying something like engineering or economics,” said Ava Murray, a friend of Wreski who’s not really sure why he includes three different phone numbers at the end of every email.
Rushing across campus with a massive sketchbook tucked under her arm, VISA 0100 student Anna Hilado absolutely cannot talk right now because she has a drawing of a soda can due tomorrow.
“No, like, you don’t understand. I have to draw an entire soda can by tomorrow morning,” said Hilado, quickly pushing past a friend who gave her a cordial nod and soft smile while crossing the Main Green.
Expanding the concept of what one could consider a vegetable, the Sharpe Refectory recently announced their plans to fuck up a literal carrot stick. “We’re planning to soak the carrots in vinegar, dehydrate them all the way through, cut them up into really weird shapes that vary in thickness, and then make sure every stick includes a sketchy green part,” said the Vice President of University Dining Services in a recent press conference on crudité.
Revealing they now feel skeptical of every park bench they encounter, sources report that the man recently honored by a local park bench isn’t even dead yet. “Are we sure that this is allowed?” asked concerned citizen Jeff Gossamer, who was almost positive that death was a prerequisite for having a park bench named after you.
After enduring an entire night of your dorm room debauchery, Boo Boo, the childhood teddy bear you brought to college, can’t even look you in the eyes.
“I’m sick to my stuffing,” said Boo Boo, who just needs some privacy and space during this difficult time.
Scrolling through Instagram during a brief three-hour study break, senior Olivia Luchs discovered that her former high school lab partner, Jessica Crawford, has accepted her boyfriend’s marriage proposal despite not even being that religious.
“She doesn’t even have a Bible verse in her Instagram bio,” said Luchs, wondering why someone who’s really not that religious would ever want to walk down the aisle before her prefrontal cortex has fully developed.
Weak young woman Alexa Kim arrived safely at her dorm last night after a SafeWalk team of two weaker, younger women accompanied her on the trek across campus.
“As a weak young woman, I usually feel unsafe walking alone at night,” said Kim, who frequently entrusts her well-being to a random pair of feeble undergraduates.
Savoring the final days of fall, junior Aidan Shay has been spotted hanging out on the Main Green in temperatures as low as thirty degrees.
“I know that I should be in the library right now, but how can I spend the whole day inside when it’s just barely freezing out here?” said Shay, spreading a picnic blanket across the frost-covered grass.
Praying that her work makes it onto the right desk, Literary Arts concentrator Johanna Riegel ’22 has submitted an original screenplay for consideration in her friends’ annual secret Santa gift exchange.
“I cannot believe this happened again,” said Sarah Sullivan ’22, the recipient of Riegel’s original screenplay, Enigma.
Celebrating yet another innovative approach to education, the University recently announced the new Brown-Providence College Dual Degree program, which enables students to explore white privilege in both liberal and conservative academic settings.
“For so long, we thought that our rampant racism made our school unique,” said President Christina Paxson, explaining the historic initiative in a campus-wide email.
After months of renovation, the University finally unveiled its newest addition to the Sciences Library, a floor dedicated to gossiping about Marc, the guy from last night’s party.
“Forget about the Rock’s Absolute Quiet Room! From now on, I’m only working in the SciLi’s Absolute Marc Room!” said junior Sabrina Hampson, pulling out a set of flashcards about Marc’s recent activity on Instagram.