Caroline's articles
Now, now, sweet boy. Yes, you, my sophomore sapling. So spry. So jubilant. So full of life. My sweet boy, you make dreary nights a dream for this dorm hallway emergency exit sign. I revel in the scent of your Axe body spray. I relish the remnants of your musk, imbued with cedarwood and sweat, lingering through this corridor.
Hi everyone, I know that the vaccine debate has divided our country for decades, and the outbreak of Covid-19 has only amplified that split. As a doctor, I would like to share my professional opinion: To be honest, I don’t know what’s in your child, and I don’t feel comfortable exposing my needles to that, so I am an anti-vaxxer.
According to sources in an off-campus kitchen, that four-month-old sponge is absolutely not going to make that pan any cleaner. “At this point, I would just make the pan even dirtier if I used this sponge,” said senior Sarah Lenane, staring at her house’s communal sponge, which has not been replaced in ninety days despite scrubbing food, grease, and saliva off of dishes on a regular basis.
Despite knowing the exact position of Mercury at the very second she was born, sophomore Kelly Richardson does not know her social security number.
“On June 7th, 2003, at 9:37 am, Mercury entered the constellation of Taurus,” said Richardson, who cannot remember the nine simple digits that verify her U.S.
Uploaded to Canvas mere seconds before the 11:59 pm deadline, a discussion post assigned in an English class manages to say absolutely nothing in 250 words.
“I personally, as myself, a person, who is alive, in this very moment, found it very interesting, some might even say intriguing or captivating, that this book, more specifically known as a novel or a collection of related fictitious prose, uses letters and punctuation, such as commas and periods, to form sentences that were then read by me, a person, as well as my classmates, who are also people,” stated the discussion post, providing so many words yet no original thought.
Eager to experience college life without any of the freedom, stress, or fun of actual college, a high school student taking nonsense courses through Summer@Brown is getting a taste of the nonsense courses she can take at actual Brown.
“I could’ve taken Algebra II and Chemistry through an accredited academic program this summer, but I decided to enroll in the Brown’s pre-college program instead,” said rising tenth-grader Alyssa Steinbock, taking some totally ridiculous courses created for high schoolers posing as Brown undergrads that actually resemble the totally ridiculous courses created for real Brown undergrads.
Following a recent improvisational comedy performance on campus, sources report that the show would have gone way better if the actors had just rehearsed something to perform beforehand. “At one point, this guy started doing a bit about his grandma being a blender and then accidentally blending her cat into a Pedialyte smoothie, but none of the other performers knew where he was going with it,” said audience member Gina Lester, trying to figure out why the student would take such a large improvisational risk during a packed show in MacMillan 117.
Sitting in bed at 1:37 AM, sophomore Olivia Levy-Powell has reasoned that her roommate Casey O’Donoghue is most likely doing some late-night homework at the Sci Li but also maybe has been abducted on her walk home by an underground sex trafficking ring.
According to local sources, Brown University’s “A Day On College Hill” is luring prospective students into paying $300,000 for an undergraduate education by giving them a free drawstring backpack and coupon for half off any taco at Baja’s Tex Mex Taqueria.
Constantly striving to support students as they seek employment opportunities, the CareerLAB is proud to offer the unparalleled service of some sophomore named Kiera looking over your resume.
“Our main priority is providing students with the resources and guidance they need to seamlessly enter the workforce," said CareerLAB Director Matthew Donato, watching 19-year-old Kiera, who hasn’t even declared a concentration yet, scan the resume of a 22-year-old senior desperately applying for jobs.“That’s exactly why we brought in Kiera as a Peer Career Advisor, whatever the hell that means.”
“We know that most students expect to meet with an adult professional who actually specializes in career counseling,” added Donato, witnessing sophomore Kiera, who has been in college for almost three semesters, nod profusely and repeatedly tell the senior that her resume “looks good.” “But Kiera is great.
After spotting a massive crowd on the Main Green, University President Christina Paxson is incredibly relieved that students are simply celebrating their love of weed and not protesting Brown’s investment in the fossil fuel industry.
“As soon as I saw them outside, I was so sure that these kids were bitching about us enabling the climate crisis again,” said Paxson, peering through a University Hall window to watch hundreds of students congregate on the Main Green.
On the full meal plan entirely by choice, senior Michael Hay is either really freakin’ cool or really freakin’ weird.
“I’m not totally sure why Michael is willingly on the same meal plan that the University forces onto first-years,” said sophomore Nathaniel Kane, pondering why Hay would pay $6,472 per semester for dining hall food when absolutely no one is making him do that.
Seemingly gathered on the Main Green to rally against Brown’s investment in fossil fuel extraction companies, student activist Annika Rao is actually protesting to flaunt her poster making prowess. “I’m here because it is absolutely deplorable that Brown has not yet dissociated from the fossil fuel industry,” said Rao, secretly hoping that someone would compliment the perfectly spaced bubble letters on her homemade poster.
Following a rigorous high school career that involved taking 12 AP courses, junior Madeline Smith now concentrates in “Cum Poetics.”
“It has been incredibly rewarding, as both a scholar and a person, to explore the intersection between cum and poetics,” said Smith, who slept for five hours every night in high school so she would have good enough grades to get into this school.
Embroiled in a heated debate about who would survive the zombie apocalypse, a local friend group seems to have forgotten that not one of them can digest dairy.
“Between my steadfast composure and relentless grit, I’m confident that I could tackle any stressful situation, including a global zombie apocalypse,” said Lara Klein, whose gastrointestinal tract will literally implode if she eats one slice of cheddar cheese.
Reclined on the living room couch with iPhone in hand, local father Bill Nicholson is analyzing camera footage from his Ring Doorbell like it’s Martin Scorcese’s latest cinematic masterpiece.
“The characterization in this scene is truly incredible,” said Nicholson, slowing down the video to watch a small raccoon approach the front door as if it was a carefully choreographed long take from a Scorsese film.
Surrounded by hundreds of laptops in the MacMillan auditorium, junior Alyssa Lorenzo is paying attention to literally any screen around her except for the massive one displaying the lecture slides.
“At first, I was watching the person in front of me play 2048,” reported Lorenzo, recounting how she regularly resorts to invading her classmates’ privacy instead of just sitting there and paying attention to her professor.
Following a week-long closure over winter break, renovations to the Nelson Fitness Center were revealed to be just a few dumbbells and a patch of fake grass so that dogs can pee inside.
“While many improvements could be made to the Nelson Fitness Center, we ultimately implemented changes that would benefit the Brown community’s wellness experience to the greatest extent,” reported University Recreation manager Amy Dean, finalizing an order for 5,000 biodegradable dog poop bags to put in the gym.
Unlike other guys on the Brown University football team, junior linebacker Jon Harvey prefers riding acoustic scooters instead of electric ones.
“My teammates are too swept up in the speed and sexiness of electric scooters,” said Harvey, unfolding the 2009 Razor Kick Scooter he found at a local thrift store.
Bright and early at Sunday morning mass in Manning Chapel, the campus priest is asking for donations from a bunch of college kids, despite the fact that the Brown-RISD Catholic Community literally bought themselves a multimillion-dollar modernist chateau two years ago.
Perched behind a folding table in Smith-Buonanno 207, junior Annika Ferguson prepares to tell the most emotionally turbulent, tear-inducing personal anecdote in her 9:00 AM creative nonfiction course, “Writing About Nouns.”
“I didn’t expect to hear such an insanely tragic, inimitably sorrowful, and undoubtedly somber tale before ten in the morning, but here we are,” said sophomore Ally Fiume, trying to figure out how Ferguson could unpack so much trauma in a dimly lit Smitty-B classroom before she had even finished her coffee.
Known across campus for his unparalleled and undeniably badass ways, sophomore badass Randy Mitchell acted like a total badass last night by stealing a random street sign that only a badass could steal.
“Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit,” reported Diman House resident Jeffrey Montalvo, stunned by Mitchell’s most recent display of badassery.
According to multiple sources, sophomore Omaha Miller was definitely named after Omaha, Nebraska because she was conceived there.
“Omaha? Oh yeah, her parents definitely got it on in Nebraska,” reported classmate Julia Smith, deciding that the only reason a child would be named after Warren Buffett’s hometown is because her mother was impregnated there.
POINT:
Hey pal, I just wanted to say that you can count on me like 1, 2, 3. You hear that? 1, 2, 3. If you ever need anything––absolutely anything at all––I will be there for you like 1, 2, 3.
Car broke down? I’m there with a tow truck like 1, 2, 3.
Curious if you’re a fellow member of her tax bracket or not, junior Eliza Voorhees is asking about your winter break plans to actually ask about your parents’ annual income.
“So, are you doing anything fun for winter break?” asked Voorhees, ready to estimate your family’s net worth upon hearing your response.
According to regulars at Brown University’s tallest library, it is absolutely unclear who exactly the SciLi security guard is supposed to stop.
“Upon first glance, the security guard seems pretty threatening. He wears this super official uniform and sits behind a glass shield flanked by two metal detectors,” said sophomore Michael McKinley, realizing that, at most, the security guard has a short-range walkie talkie on him.
Unsure of the last time she wasn’t surrounded by concrete, first-year student Alyssa Hilado has been in the SciLi for so long that the thought of going barefoot is starting to seem like a good idea.
“It sure would be nice to free my feet from the tough rubber soles and poor insulation of my sneakers,” said Hilado, wiggling her toes around and thinking about how much more she could wiggle them around if she just took her shoes off.
Due to recent romantic circumstances, your little cousin Shelby, age 8, is wondering why you, a girl, decided to date someone who is also a girl. “If you are a girl, and she is a girl, how are you dating?” asked Shelby, dunking a dino nugget into ketchup as she pondered homosexuality for the very first time.
Last night, sophomore Rachel Stein narrowly avoided tragedy when, just mo- ments from having an awkward encounter with a pair of Safewalkers, she was abduct- ed by two masked men in a sketchy van. “I was so nervous when I saw those Safewalkers make eye contact with her,” said sophomore Kelly Monteith, who watched the chilling moment unfold.
According to a recent report released by the Journal of Non-Mainstream Be- havior, an indie boy will fuck you up three months for every necklace he wears. “The composition doesn’t matter: pearl choker, classic chain, ironic cross, or beaded yarn that spells out ‘eat the rich,’” said lead researcher Rodney Bishop, running some tests to see if thrifted necklaces produce different results from those purchased at Urban Outfitters.
In an upsetting, but not surprising, turn of events, the guy who refused to buy you Plan B is reposting a Roe V. Wade infographic on Instagram right now.
“I am absolutely heartbroken for the millions of females who no longer have the choice to make informed decisions about their own bodies,” captioned the guy who ignored your requests to buy emergency contraception, despite being largely responsible for the potential pregnancy.
Engaged in a romantic rendezvous for the ages, sophomore Claire Kane has a love life that is absolutely insane by 19th century courtship standards.
“He’s totally checking me out from the water bottle refill station right now,” said Kane, staring at her suitor from across the Sci Li, titillated by the prospect of a short-term, morally depraved romance beyond the sacred bond of wedlock.
Heading into his final year of college, senior Andrew Tonuzi cannot wait to pursue his post-grad plans of thinking about going to law school.
“I just can’t wait to get out of here so I can start the next chapter of my life: the one where I think about going to law school,” said Tonuzi, doing a quick Google search for “good LSAT book.” “College has been awesome, but I’m ready for the real world, and, for me, that means thinking about going to law school.”
Although Tonuzi is eager for post-grad life, he still plans to savor his final days in college, as he will soon endure the incredibly demanding schedule of thinking about going to law school.
Cradled safely in the arms of its Carhartt-clad owner, sophomore Riley Kang’s skateboard is mostly held.
“I do kickflips and switch ollies all the time,” reported Kang, clutching his mint-condition skateboard under his arm instead of riding it.
Grinning from ear to ear as she shows off her most recent “morning babe” text, senior Sarah Hampson gleefully announced that she’s dating “the one” when she’s actually just dating Liam.
“I know that we’ve only been going out for a few weeks, but I really think that Liam is the one,” said Hampson, fawning over a picture of Liam on his weekend fishing trip with the boys.
Prepared for another two weeks of students scrambling to select their courses, the Critical Review will offer no criticism nor review for literally any class you’re thinking of taking this semester. “We know that Shopping Period can be stressful, and we want to alleviate that stress however we can,” said the publication’s editor-in-chief, finalizing reports on absolutely any class except for the ones you’re hoping to take this fall.
Hey guys! Thanks so much for inviting me to your little party tonight! It was so sweet of you to think of me, Jesus Christ, the only begotten son of God, when you were planning this thing, and I super appreciate you reaching out.
Unfortunately, I have to atone for all of humanity’s sins tonight by shedding my blood on the cross and dying in an extremely painful and public execution, so I don’t think I’ll be able to stop by your little shindig :( I really wish that I could make it, but there are just so many sins that I have to atone for.
Savoring every second with the most inconspicuous sculpture on the Main Green, prospective student Darren Whitely can’t help but share his immense interest in the Rock Tree with the rest of his tour group.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Whitely, who has seen plenty of rocks, trees, and rocks near trees before laying eyes on the public art piece.
Enjoying a super chill afternoon on the Main Green, a group of students tossed around a frisbee for a little bit before stripping down to their underwear and performing an intense pole dance routine for all of Brown’s campus to see.
“Nothing beats a laid-back afternoon on the Main Green,” said sophomore Dylan Rodrigo, hoisting himself onto a metal pole and deftly twirling around it in nothing but boxer briefs and body glitter.
Demonstrating their unwavering commitment to community health and wellness, Brown’s administration recently announced their plans to address students’ mental health concerns with a spin art frisbee booth at Spring Weekend.
“I’ve read extensively about the mental health crisis on college campuses, and hosting a spin art frisbee booth is by far the most effective intervention,” said Vice President for Campus Life Eric Estes, ignoring missed calls from overworked CAPS therapists so that he could pour acrylic paint into little squeezy bottles.
Finishing his emails as though there are any job recruiters in his field, junior Austin Wreski uses an email signature that’s way too professional for a person concentrating in Medieval Studies.
“I’d totally understand the elaborate email signature if Austin was studying something like engineering or economics,” said Ava Murray, a friend of Wreski who’s not really sure why he includes three different phone numbers at the end of every email.
Rushing across campus with a massive sketchbook tucked under her arm, VISA 0100 student Anna Hilado absolutely cannot talk right now because she has a drawing of a soda can due tomorrow.
“No, like, you don’t understand. I have to draw an entire soda can by tomorrow morning,” said Hilado, quickly pushing past a friend who gave her a cordial nod and soft smile while crossing the Main Green.
Expanding the concept of what one could consider a vegetable, the Sharpe Refectory recently announced their plans to fuck up a literal carrot stick. “We’re planning to soak the carrots in vinegar, dehydrate them all the way through, cut them up into really weird shapes that vary in thickness, and then make sure every stick includes a sketchy green part,” said the Vice President of University Dining Services in a recent press conference on crudité.
Revealing they now feel skeptical of every park bench they encounter, sources report that the man recently honored by a local park bench isn’t even dead yet. “Are we sure that this is allowed?” asked concerned citizen Jeff Gossamer, who was almost positive that death was a prerequisite for having a park bench named after you.
After enduring an entire night of your dorm room debauchery, Boo Boo, the childhood teddy bear you brought to college, can’t even look you in the eyes.
“I’m sick to my stuffing,” said Boo Boo, who just needs some privacy and space during this difficult time.
Scrolling through Instagram during a brief three-hour study break, senior Olivia Luchs discovered that her former high school lab partner, Jessica Crawford, has accepted her boyfriend’s marriage proposal despite not even being that religious.
“She doesn’t even have a Bible verse in her Instagram bio,” said Luchs, wondering why someone who’s really not that religious would ever want to walk down the aisle before her prefrontal cortex has fully developed.
Weak young woman Alexa Kim arrived safely at her dorm last night after a SafeWalk team of two weaker, younger women accompanied her on the trek across campus.
“As a weak young woman, I usually feel unsafe walking alone at night,” said Kim, who frequently entrusts her well-being to a random pair of feeble undergraduates.
Savoring the final days of fall, junior Aidan Shay has been spotted hanging out on the Main Green in temperatures as low as thirty degrees.
“I know that I should be in the library right now, but how can I spend the whole day inside when it’s just barely freezing out here?” said Shay, spreading a picnic blanket across the frost-covered grass.
Praying that her work makes it onto the right desk, Literary Arts concentrator Johanna Riegel ’22 has submitted an original screenplay for consideration in her friends’ annual secret Santa gift exchange.
“I cannot believe this happened again,” said Sarah Sullivan ’22, the recipient of Riegel’s original screenplay, Enigma.
Celebrating yet another innovative approach to education, the University recently announced the new Brown-Providence College Dual Degree program, which enables students to explore white privilege in both liberal and conservative academic settings.
“For so long, we thought that our rampant racism made our school unique,” said President Christina Paxson, explaining the historic initiative in a campus-wide email.
After months of renovation, the University finally unveiled its newest addition to the Sciences Library, a floor dedicated to gossiping about Marc, the guy from last night’s party.
“Forget about the Rock’s Absolute Quiet Room! From now on, I’m only working in the SciLi’s Absolute Marc Room!” said junior Sabrina Hampson, pulling out a set of flashcards about Marc’s recent activity on Instagram.
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