“He’s an absolute goliath who no doubt would’ve been chased into the hinterlands with pitchforks and torches if this were the dark ages,” said Brian Winthrop, a local basketball fan. “But he’s putting up some crazy numbers this season. Can’t argue with that.”

“So what if back then he’d have been a beast whose birth was long prophesied to bring destruction upon the town?” added Winthrop. “Now he’s bringing destruction in the paint.”

“Personally, I’m glad I get to watch him dunk on people instead of having to chase him with a slingshot and bale rope,” said Winthrop, gesturing to the 7′4″ star athlete whose telescopic limbs would have portended the end times if he’d lived in a medieval village. “Basketball is awesome.”

At press time, a man who would have been a wise oracle atop a mountain in antiquity was arrested for public urination.