“We are strong, we are proud, and we are Brown,” said Christina Paxson at commencement, definitely not referring to the racial background of the new admits. “I’m happy to welcome a new cohort of students. Students of different passions, aspirations, and skin… care routines. Personally, I use Cetaphil.”

“I’m literally so grateful to be a part of this class,” said Kennedy French ‘28, unprompted, as to whether she enjoyed being a part of the upper-middle class. “And to top it all off, I’m at Brown. Like, whoa. Everyone’s so unique. I met a guy who plays the viola! Only at Brown!”

“We wanted to accept a class of diverse students from all over the map,” said President Paxson, pointing at a map of Connecticut. “One student we accepted from here said their childhood nanny taught them how to cook soul food. I don’t know about you, but sign me up for some Jambalaya this semester!”

At press time, a Herald poll found that the freshman class seems to be average in height and high in general.