Avi's articles
Fuck it, Grandpa Joel was seen last Tuesday at Chipotle saying “hola” to the staff.
“Hola! ¿Cómo estás?” asked Joel to a wide-eyed Amber Jacobs, a new Chipotle team member from Connecticut. “Soy Joel y soy aqui por comer.”
“Tennis queso y… la bonanza,” said Joel as he pointed at the beans and corn.
Reports indicate that a sophomore who recently scored a Greg A suite is super thankful for his future suitemate’s disability.
“This is the best thing ever!” said Andy Burner ’27 as he hoisted his hand up to high five his friend, who is a double arm amputee.
Sources from Lancaster County report that last Tuesday, Amish influencer Anna Yoder did an official unboxing of her new cow.
“Hey there, my farmies! What’s up?” said Yoder to the stick of butter she pretends is her vlog camera. “Welcome back to my channel.
Wow! I can barely see anything in here! I wish I had something to give me some light—that’s what I get for leaving my Nokia in my room. Stupid Avril! Stupid Avril! Oh god. One second. Sorry—there’s a worm down here who keeps sucking on my elbow.
Hey there! What’s up?! I’m just chilling on the Quiet Green right by the Rockefeller Library. I just ate lunch at the Sharpe Refectory. Wow. Can they get any worse? Sharpe Refectory food be like: “Yuck.” Wait, sorry, were you in my first period class this morning? I swear I saw you there.
Sources report that the “Do Not Press Button, Pedestrian Crossing Now Automatic” sign on Waterman and Thayer seems to be mysteriously placed right above a pressable button.
“I’m getting mixed signals here,” said Monica Abrams, having now been nervously standing at the street corner for five minutes, sweat falling down her face.
According to close friends and followers of Kanye West, the rapper could possibly be going down the wrong path.
“Yeah, he’s kinda acting a bit weird lately,” said his girlfriend Bianca Censori, folding his new swastika t-shirt and putting it in his top dresser drawer.
Last summer I heard the craziest little things in my backyard—these chubby little cicada fucks who make noises like “criiiink, criiiiink.” To be honest, it’s hard to write an impression down on paper, but everyone I know says I can do a really good one, so you just gotta trust me on this.
POINT: Hey Guys Let's Go To My Dorm For Pregame
by Jake
Hey guys. Can we do my place tonight? I shoulder tapped some Twisted Tea this morning so no need to bring anything. You guys can venmo if you want but genuinely no worries. I say we all pull up to mine at nine, we get white girl wasted and play drinking games and get drunk and get sloshed.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus’s 11 Emmys were brutally destroyed in the Palisade fire, and other people probably went through things too.
“So many were affected by the fires,” said CNN correspondent Maya Norton, referring to the countless Emmy, Oscar, and Grammy awards now missing from their ornate shelves.
The Unicorn Starbucks of the enchanted forest announced a new human flavored frappuccino for their winter menu.
“We didn’t just come up with this idea on our own. I mean, so many people put their hearts into this frappuccino,” said Unicorn Starbucks Manager Aurora Sparkles as she tossed a human heart into a blender.
Sources report that a sad couple selling “Baby Shoes, Never Worn” on Facebook Marketplace was also selling “Baby Food, Half-Eaten Because Yummy.”
“I just don’t know how we’re gonna get through this,” said devastated husband Jamie Lucero as he pointed down to a full pack of Gerber baby food, a puddle of banana-apple puree slipping down his chin.
In recent news, a man with a twisted sense of humor has recently been drawn to “The Office” and “Modern Family.”
“Well, the thing about me is I like things that most people don’t really find funny,” said Andy Benak, sporting a “Dwight for President” shirt.
Brown University affirms the endowment is not used as a political instrument but instead as a hydraulic fracking instrument.
“It’s not about politics,” said President Paxson after releasing a statement in support of staying invested in a political entity.
In a contentious national political environment, mimes across the country are staying silent amid concerns about the proposed invisible border wall.
“ , ,” said local mime Connor Medberry when asked about the proposal. “ , , ; .”
“ , – ,” Medberry continued, stepping off his invisible pedestal, sweat rolling down his chalk-white face.
Passengers on the lost Malaysia flight 370 were found alive in Turkey with surprisingly defined hairlines.
“Thank God they’re back,” said Amy Pollack, the wife of an American passenger, surprisingly not referring to her husband’s hair follicles.
This fall, Brown University opened its gates to a freshman class large in size and diverse in spirit.
“We are strong, we are proud, and we are Brown,” said Christina Paxson at commencement, definitely not referring to the racial background of the new admits.
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