“I chose this 2022 Svedka for its dry, yet fruity, profile,” remarked Greenwald with the authority of a master sommelier. “It also has distinct notes of expired Sour Patch Kid.”

“I think this bottle might pair well with the jar of Costco cheese puffs my mom bought for me during move-in,” continued Greenwald, swirling her cup as if
to gently aerate its contents. “Or perhaps it would work nicely in a spritzer of sorts, mixed with cranberry juice from Andrews in a to-go cup?”

“Its mouthfeel is bracing, yet sweet,” Greenwald noted, deeply inhaling the scent of rubbing alcohol and artificial flavors. “I wonder which local artist was commissioned for this elegant bottle?” she added, examining the concerningly large plastic bottle emblazoned with layers of lurid purple and blue.

At press time, Alexa was unable to continue enjoying the Svedka’s smooth luxuriance after watching her roommate throw it up later that evening.