“Don’t (cough) even (cough) worry (cough) about it, (cough) I’m totally fine,” said junior Julia Kim, slowly turning blue while holding back another cough. “As (cough) long as I (cough) avoid doing (cough) anything (cough) necessary for me to (cough) live, I’m (cough)—”

“I’ve never (cough) been more (cough) well,” said Kim, who had to take a break midway through her sentence to stop coughing. “I actually (cough) feel so (cough) much better (cough) now.”

At press time, your friend with a sprained ankle is perfectly fine as long as they don’t run, walk, or stand up.