Jennifer's articles
According to a recent report, your friend with a slight cough is perfectly fine as long as they don’t speak, breathe, or move.
“Don’t (cough) even (cough) worry (cough) about it, (cough) I’m totally fine,” said junior Julia Kim, slowly turning blue while holding back another cough.
Prior to your CAPS appointment this morning, your CAPS therapist promised to keep everything confidential as long as you don’t mention anything the university could be remotely liable for.
“Remember, this is a safe space,” said CAPS therapist Hanover Smith, preparing to toe the line with HIPAA.
How sad is it that we’ve become so obsessed with vanity and shallow relationships that we choose to invest our precious time into scrolling on dating apps instead of investing time into our 5’5”, cute, brunette, well-educated, Miss America-adjacent selves? Why is our generation so obsessed with the idea of finding someone handsome to complete our funny, emotionally intelligent, incredibly charismatic, yet super kind and caring personalities?
To be honest, I think dating apps just freak me out—they feel so vain, trying to get into a relationship without knowing more than a couple of facts about a person.
Following a single conversation, reports found that the PLME you were talking to is actually the one person you would genuinely rather die before seeing become your doctor.
“I learned recently that a key part of being a virtuous physician is remaining attentive to the needs of patients,” said freshman PLME Don Honnold, who you’d sooner walk off a broken leg than book an appointment with.
Following a tense dinner, reports found that your roommate’s suggestion of truth or dare was actually just a ruse to find out if you’ve been using her shit.
“No, I promise it’ll be fun!” said Megan Greene ‘25, who knows you’ve been using her shampoo.
To the disappointment of those attending his art show, untortured artist John O’Malley revealed a drawing of a wholesome family portrait instead of an avante-garde piece on reptilian depression.
“I wanted to create something that represented the love I have for my family,” said O’Malley, who would’ve painted nihilistic crocodiles composed entirely of human eyeballs had his parents not been so supportive of him as a child.
Following its publication, reports stated that Literary Arts concentrator megan decker’s poem definitely could’ve just been a sentence.
“i wanted to use spacing/ to emphasize the/ heart/ break/ behind my words,” said decker, who likely could’ve made her point much clearer by writing her words in a sentence.
While attempting to receive an excused absence for Friday’s class, sources reported that Professor Josh Hamilton — who requires a dean’s note — would honestly rather see you die than help you out.
“Unfortunately, you’ll need a dean’s note to have an excused absence in my class, “ said Hamilton, grinning while watching your body slowly corrode from illness.
According to a recent report, junior Sidney Jones is probably gonna die soon after her twentieth birthday.
“I don’t know what I’m gonna do without her,” Jones’ friend Megan Wang wailed. “God, she’s not going to be able to walk, or move, or go five minutes without talking about how terrible the job market is.”
“At least she’ll be happy up in heaven,” Wang continued as tears continued to stream down her young, unwrinkled face.
Brown Dining Services recently recommended that students go eat somewhere else as a part of their sustainability initiative.
“Just by switching over to reusable takeout containers, we’ve managed to save an astounding 203 pounds of waste,” said BDS representative Caroline Stevens, sitting in front of her twelve sustainable Stanleys.
A Today@Brown paid research study recently began recruiting participants, with eligible volunteers being men between the ages of 20-21, tall, green eyes, dark hair, preferably named Jason.
“It’s important that we recruit a diverse group of young people for our study,” said recruiter Joan Alstine, specifying the volunteers should be single, own a green backpack, sit in the 2nd row of CHEM 330, and have a smile that would light up your whole world.
After receiving criticism from members of the University, Perkins’ rats announce they aren’t thrilled to be living so far from campus either. “Who in their right mind would willingly choose to live here?” said one Perkins rat, skittering across the sidewalk every six seconds.
In light of an astounding number of students requesting mental health services, the University’s CAPS recently suggested students not go to CAPS for emotional support.
“We recommend that students not go to Counseling and Psychological Services for counseling or psychological services,” said counselor Marc Hamil, concerned about the impact that Brown’s mental health specialists could have on the student body’s mental health.
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