“Brady is such a goofball, so I thought it was just a fun joke when he put himself with Brad Pitt and Jacob Elordi for the first kiss, marry, kill,” reported Madeline Hutchley, who was deciding whether or not to respond to Brady’s goodnight text. “Obviously I’m not going to pass up kissing Jacob Elordi and marrying Brad Pitt, but he seemed to really be hurt by that.”

“Brady’s next kiss, marry, kill, was between himself, a goblin, and an ogre, and he did not like it when I said I would kiss the goblin and marry the ogre for the experience,” continued Hutchley, who was desperately trying to get a mutual friend to join her lunch plans with Brady. “After that, Brady posed a kiss, marry, kill, with himself, Jared Fogle, and Jeffrey Epstein. I told him I was uncomfortable with that and would rather not answer, to which he suggested playing a new game called kiss, fuck, date.”

At press time, Jared Leto keeps trying to add himself to Oscar shortlists.