“I think it’s just my sacred duty to protect and serve on this campus,” Mathews said as he barreled through a crowd of six people on his way to ENGN90. “You know, as a crew player, I’m really the only thing keeping this university from burning to the ground."

“I can barely sleep at night,” he continued, pectoral muscles rippling visibly through his Brown Bears jersey. “I guess you could say that I’m pretty passionate about defending the den. I just know that it’s my God-Given responsibility, as one of his chosen few, to maintain order and keep this campus from falling into pandemonium,” Mathews added before scootering right over the hood of a parked car.

“I guess I’m kind of a big deal on campus,” Mathews continued, as though he were Atlas holding the heavens up on his broad, tan back, “But honestly, I’m just a normal guy with fantastic muscles and an electric scooter going 90 miles an hour”.

At press time, a CS student was walking out of the SciLi with the knowledge the AI script he was writing could destroy the world with a snap of his pasty, shriveled fingers.