“I’m sorry, would you like something to drink? Let me pour you a jar,” said Buchanan, unaware that his friends and family avoid him at all costs. “In a world overrun by egregious overconsumption and abhorrent planetary degradation, it’s nice to be able to do my part.”

“This mason jar isn’t just a cute, rustic accoutrement to my unique style,” continued Rory as a stranger glared at him aggressively. “It’s also my little-no-so-little, way of telling our planet, ‘Baby, I know you’re hurting.’”

At press time, a girl who hand-weaves all of her clothes didn’t know she was insufferable.