“It’s not that we’re angry he doesn’t show up,” claimed Brown Noser editor Annie Cimack. “It’s just that most of our newer staff writers aren’t even sure what he looks like, so it’s a bit ironic that he’s definitely putting this club on his resume.”

Haronian reportedly attended a few meetings in his freshman year before slowly fading into the void. “He feels more like an urban legend, but we know he still exists because he writes an article here and there. That, and it’s on his Linkedin,” reported Cimack, scrolling through his suspiciously inflated and seemingly random list of prior job experiences. “There’s no way he teaches English to non-native speakers and does math research if he can’t go to his Brown Noser meetings.”

When asked to give a comment, Haronian was nowhere to be found, although a close friend claimed he “will definitely attend the next meeting.”