Nathan's articles
An investigation of Providence’s newest restaurant FAN has revealed that they call dim sum some shit like “asian tapas.”
FAN shamelessly describes itself as “a tasteful reimagining of modern fusion that seeks to create a pan-Asian gastronomic experience.”
“The Asian tapas portion of our menu is essential to our dining experience,” claimed Colorado-born restaurant owner Willow Sterling.
Sources confirmed that sophomore Nathan Haronian, despite never going to the regularly scheduled Brown Noser meetings, is definitely listing his participation on his resume.
“It’s not that we’re angry he doesn’t show up,” claimed Brown Noser editor Annie Cimack.
Area man Craig Anderson reported that his Snapchat plug itsdrew421 has recently been posting motivational content on his story.
“His job is just to sell me weed and occasionally shrooms, but he’s started posting motivational quotes about success and ‘the grind,’” Anderson said as he held up itsdrew421’s current story, which featured multiple videos of plastic bags full of weed.
Area roommate Jessica Flores ‘23 is reportedly just letting her dishes soak.
“I’m gonna clean them in a few days, probably,” said Flores, passing the dishes covered in Heng Thai detritus sitting in her shared kitchen sink. “But they were just so hard to scrub at first, and I wanna make sure it’ll be easier.
After losing his airpods last Thursday, sophomore Simon Hernandez was allegedly forced to listen to Bon Iver while lifting at the Nelson. “I just don’t get how they pick songs. I can’t bench 225 listening to the wistful, indie folk pop lyrics of Skinny Love, it totally ruins the vibe,” reported Hernandez.
Taking her purebred bulldog to the vet, Maddison Kern was surprised to learn that, despite her dog’s constantly smiling face, every moment of his existence is filled with constant, unyielding horror. “Wally always looks so happy, I would never have guessed he’d have so many health issues,” commented Kern, unaware of the fact that her dog’s adorably flat face physically constricts its airway.
Walking out of the Nelson Fitness Center last Saturday morning, sophomore Alan Hoffstein reported that he was not sure whether he knew a passing acquaintance well enough to say hi. “We’ve had a few classes together, but I haven’t talked to him much,” reported Hoffstein, desperately avoiding eye contact by checking his phone.
According to sources near the Martin household, newborn baby Debra has been freaking everyone out. “I’ve just never met a baby named Debra,” commented Debra’s babysitter Christine, eyeing the swaddled infant, whose name is Debra. “Something about the thought of having to change Debra’s diapers, drive Debra to daycare, help Debra get changed.
While watching the recently released Marvel movie The Eternals, local film buff Andrea Sanders noted the closed captioning’s overuse of the word “whimsical.” “Pretty much every time there was music, the captions read ‘whimsical music plays,’” complained Sanders, gesturing to the captions of a drawn-out death scene.
Pausing a Call of Duty session at his friend’s house, local seventh grader Samuel Zhang reported that, oh shit, his friend is yelling at his mom right now.
“We were just playing video games when his mom came in to ask him to take out the trash,” recalled Zhang, serving as unwilling audience to the mother-son tiff.
In an eye-opening internal investigation, the TSA reported that romantic last-minute airport dashes pose a critical threat to national security. The report, which surveyed thousands of airports nationwide, indicated that TSA agents consistently failed to screen desperate, epiphany-driven heartthrobs breaching security for last-minute declarations of love.
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