“Oh, is this bothering you?” said the guy, whose name you think starts with a K, while scratching mucus off his tongue and running his wet fingers over your favorite Bic. “Sorry, I’m kind of a fidgeter. But I swear I just gargled with Listerine.”

“I really do apologize, it’s totally unconscious,” said the guy, uncapping your pen with the hand that had just been picking spinach out of his teeth. “I really appreciate this, and I swear I’ll give it back right after class.”

At press time, the dude who borrowed your eraser was using it to clean out earwax.