Saturday, March 15, 2025
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The Brown Noser

Thomas Ward

Writer

Thomas's articles

Grandpa Won't Stop Pointing Out Attractiveness Of Much Younger Woman In Movie | Mar 14 2025

During last weekend’s family movie night, Grandpa would not stop pointing out how attractive he found Anya Taylor-Joy. “I just really appreciate a bombshell who takes the time to cultivate that kind of figure,” said Grandpa, 83, during a particularly juicy montage of Taylor-Joy, 24, working out.

Student Organizations Do Not Discriminate On The Basis Of Race Or Sex, But Totally Discriminate On The Basis Of Whether You’re Cool Or Not | Feb 07 2025

The Student Activities Office has released a statement that Brown’s student organizations do not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, or religion but are free and encouraged to discriminate based on whether you’re cool or not. “At Brown, we celebrate diversity in all its forms and believe that inclusion in student clubs is a cornerstone of that mission,” said Joie Forte, Director of Student Activities, while determining funding based on a club leader’s Instagram followers.

WaterFire Reverses Water-To-Fire Ratio To Predictably Horrific Results | Feb 07 2025

At the most recent WaterFire, the planning committee reversed the event’s water-to-fire ratio with predictably horrific results. “There’s always this huge river with only a few little braziers, so we thought it might be fun to spice things up,” said Avery Schmidt, WaterFire chairman, from his bed in the hospital’s burn unit.

New Studies Show That Life Is Actually Nothing Like A Highway | Feb 07 2025

New studies by the Department of Transportation suggest that life is actually nothing like a highway. “I mean, first, highways are really long and made of concrete,” said Dana Carell, research supervisor, while searching life for overpasses and carpool lanes.