“Live, damn it, live!” said long-time bystander, first-time intervener Erica Nampa as she landed jab after jab against her choking opponent. “You need to stop resisting and let me save you.”

“Hey, stop trying to run away. I’m not done trying to save your life,” demanded Nampa of the choking man, who was now dealing with two immediate threats to his life. “Can you breathe yet? I’ll take your gasps for air as a ‘no.’ Must mean I’m not Heimliching enough.”

“Look, man, my knuckles are getting tired, and you’re getting blood all over my top. Can we wrap this up, please?” requested Nampa as her life-saving uppercuts and roundhouse kicks began to lose their velocity. “Honestly, I feel like I’m putting way more effort into this Heimlich thing than you are.”

At press time, Nampa had successfully saved the man from choking to death by killing him with blunt force trauma.