You look tense, let me give you a massage. I have really nimble fingers and your skin looks really soft. Do you use Dove? I could tell. I keep a bottle in my bathroom from my ex that I smell from time to time when I’m extra lonely.

You hungry? Because I’m a really good chef. Someone once told me that my cooking is so good that it was the only thing holding our relationship together. After dinner we can sit in front of the fire while sipping wine and looking up at all the pictures on the mantelpiece of my ex and me.

Has anyone ever told you your eyes are beautiful? They’re this rich brown with flecks of green. I could stare into them all day. They’re adorable when you laugh—they squint up in a way that reminds me of the way my ex’s eyes looked when she was yelling at me right before she moved out and broke my heart.

So, you down to do this? I think you’re great. And hooking up with you would definitely show Liz that I’m back on track and ready to take charge of my life. Or maybe it would just make her jealous, and she’d realize how much she truly loves me. Either way, it’d probably spark up some kind of conversation, which is better than the crushing silence between us at the moment.

So what do you say? Should we seal the deal? And by that I mean engage in a very one-sided conversation about a woman I am very much still in love with.