Ellie Johnson, mother of four and loving wife, was confused Thursday evening when out of the blue she had the anachronistic urge to get down with her bad self. “I felt this urge coming on,” related Johnson. “I just had to move my booty.”
Johnson’s afflictions plagued her all day.
In a stunning move, Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder announced Saturday that the team would change its name from the Washington Redskins to the Washington Chinamen in response to years of protest. “It’s time to bring our team name into the 21st century,” said Snyder.
Hey there, sugar. Are you all alone in this bar tonight? You look like you need someone to talk to. Better yet, you look like a great listener. I have an idea—why don’t we both go back to my place, put on some relaxing music, get nice and close and talk about my ex-girlfriend?
You look tense, let me give you a massage.
The Brown Department of Mathematics made news Wednesday when they deemed department janitor Wally Jenkins a savant.
“I came into Kassar a few mornings ago to find my proof from the evening before completely gone,” related Dimitri Feydor, chair of the Math Department.
While attending a party in his friend’s dorm room last Saturday night, Elias Grontzman ’16 was reported to have been harmonizing to the background music, and, for a brief moment of glory, attained what can only be referred to as superstar status.
Well, hi there. Long time no see. How are you? It sounds like you had quite the summer. I can’t even imagine how tired you must have been at the end of a long, hard day pushing papers and padding your resume. It must have been really cozy in that full-size Tempur-Pedic bed of yours, am I right?
With the recent transfer of power from Ruth Simmons to Christina Paxson, many people are wondering whether or not the Brown community will take to the university’s new president. Though Paxson seems both qualified and ready to lead, she can’t avoid the question on everyone’s minds: Is Brown really ready for a white president?
The real issue here is that Paxson’s election goes against everything we once stood for.
As the semester begins anew, Trent Garrison ’14 is set to resume his vegetarian diet, but not without the guilt of a summer of chowing down on barbecued human legs and pulled person sandwiches.
“It’s too hard to eat vegetarian at home,” commented Garrison.
With a marked increase in crime rates on campus over the past academic year, Brown University found its street cred back on the rise. “We made a conscious effort to change our priorities,” said President Ruth Simmons. “In this never-ending search for smarts, we neglected our street smarts.”
Brown has a long history of misdemeanors, dating all the way back to the University’s namesake, Nicholas “Twenty-to-Life” Brown, Jr.
We throw the word “sex” around pretty liberally. Who goes a day without hearing the phrase “Man, we totally did sex last night,” or possibly “I sexed her up good”/ My counterpart has done an admirable job stating her argument, but to truly understand the problem we need to first ask the question “What’s sex?”
Is anyone willing to explain sex to me? No one? It’s okay.
According to a recent law passed on Capitol Hill, starting next year the third Tuesday in February will be renamed “Other Presidents’ Day.” “Presidents’ Day doesn’t do justice to the scores of men who labored as Leader of the Free World, but don’t happen to have the last name ‘Washington’ or ‘Lincoln,’” said Sen.
A recent discovery by a Brown professor has revealed one of the Rhode Island School of Design’s best-kept secrets: Every student at RISD is actually the same person.
Professor of American Studies Kurt Blannerman was doing research on the history of arts education in America when he stumbled upon a peculiar document in the RISD archives.
In the third-floor hallway in Bronson, surrounded by broken plastic and phallic-shaped graffiti, hangs a lone exit sign, the only survivor of a raid upon Keeney Quad last Saturday night.
“I’m not even an important exit sign,” blubbered the surviving sign, choking back tears.
Halloween is traditionally a time for masquerading and hiding one’s true identity behind a costume. Sigma Chi threw all such deception out the window when it announced that its annual Halloween party would be called “Wizards and Sluts.”
WOOOOO COLLEGE! I freakin’ love this! I swear I’m partying, like, every night. In high school, I would have been asleep three hours ago, but instead I’m pounding back beers on the basement floor of Keeney. Life has never been better!
Greetings! With the beginning of each new academic year, my slowly-decomposing heart smiles with pride. As we are now entering yet another year of learning and enlightenment here at Brown University, I’d like to take this opportunity to address some rumors that have been circulating for the past 248 years about my means of founding this prestigious university.
Hi there new best friend! I know some people might think it’s a little soon to call you my best friend, but it’s been two whole days now and I can’t ignore the feelings inside of me. I realized it was true last night, so I made sure to sever ties with every friend I had during high school.
The big news circulating around campus this fall is the future of the relationship between Danny Zuko ’13 and Sandy Olsen ’13, which is reported to have begun this past summer as a series of trysts over many “summer nights.”
Last weekend, the band TV on the Radio played on the stage on the green of Brown University in front of students - collectively an audience - watching the performers. The band's new album, "Nine Types of Light," dropped only a few days, hours, minutes and seconds before last weekend's concert started and, incidentally, a few extra minutes and seconds before it ended.
You're shitting me. Since when has Africa been more than one country? Why has no one pointed this out to me before? I just kind of assumed the whole continent was one country run by lions and a baboon who sings. My mind is literally blown. I guess I never really took the time to look at a map.
In an attempt to connect to its followers and increase its numbers, the Vatican released "Faithbook," an online Catholic social network. The website allows Catholics to interact and connect internationally, and it also boasts a direct connection to the Vatican.
With the numerous winter storms descending on Providence this winter, the Department of Public Safety's segway unit has been forced to switch from their beloved quasi-scooters to tauntauns. [Note: Tauntauns are the dinosaur-mammal creatures on Hoth that the Rebels ride in Star Wars Episode V.
This past Saturday night, the Department of Public Safety busted an underground dog-fighting ring being run in the bowels of Keeney Quadrangle. Police say that they were alerted to the illegal activities several weeks ago when blue dogprints began to appear all around the Brown campus.