“I can’t explain it,” muttered Doug, staring down at his Sour Patch Watermelon Twist vape with an open mouth, putting a pause on his mewing streak. “Not gonna lie, it was a tough read, for real, but uh, once I got it and read that part about ‘taking the road less traveled by,’ I got this weird twinge in my chest—kinda like asthma—and suddenly I was thinking about choices and stuff? Like what if I actually brought a backpack to school, you know?”

“I knew something happened when he took an AirPod out,” said Mrs. Callahan, almost as shaken as Doug as she witnessed his supernatural state, revealing that she keeps his Discord mod on speed dial in case he starts debating the blue versus red pill. “He underlined two full lines and even wrote ‘dam.’ in the margins without drawing a single penis. It’s just unbelievable.”

At press time, Doug was reportedly seen commenting “^” on Kobe Bryant inspirational quotes in between Call of Duty losses.