Hillary Clinton Copies 2008 Campaign Speech Into New Document, Sighs, Closes Computer

Published Friday, December 6th, 2013
Filed under Off Campus

She never once touched the keyboard.

The speech, which remained open for as long as it took for Clinton to purse her lips and slowly rub her temples, has reportedly been opened five times in the past few months but never edited. This time, Clinton skimmed the 15 page document, stopping to re-read the phrases “I have years and years of experience” and “I will be tireless” several times while breathing heavily. She then moused over the number “2008,” moved her hands to the row of numbers on her keyboard, sighed, and slowly closed the computer.

At press time, Clinton had opened her computer, Googled “how to seem youthful and qualified at the same time,” bowed her head, and left the room.