“OHHH MY GODDDD NO WAY,” exclaimed a drunken Maria Paisley, stooping over to pet the party dog with her sticky, alcohol-covered hands. “THIS IS THE BEST PARTY EVERRRR!”

“WHO’S A GOOD BOYYYY? YOU ARE! YES YOU AREEEE,” continued Paisley, failing to notice the dog helping himself to the contents of her Solo cup. “THIS IS MY DOG NOWWW!”

“WAITTT WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDSSSS,” slurred Paisley, helplessly watching as the overwhelmed dog sauntered off to find a quiet corner to lick his balls in. “FINEEE, I GUESS I’LL JU–HEY! WHO THE FUCK DRANK ALL OF MY PUNCH?”

Later that night, it was discovered that this house party also has cocaine!