“I can’t believe we won’t get to walk several blocks through the cold to stand in a stranger’s hot, overcrowded basement for half an hour every weekend,” Clark lied, quietly breathing a sigh of relief. “What am I supposed to do if I can’t go out? This semester will be so boring!”

“College just won’t be college if I don’t get to eat a chicken sandwich at one in the morning with the same two people every weekend after nursing a beer in the corner of a humid dorm room,” lied a secretly elated Clark. “I know people don’t consider it one, but Brown really is a party school!”

At press time, Clark — with flagrant disregard for the truth — said Brown won’t be as fun if he doesn’t get to see his friend’s student film showings in person.