Friday, January 27, 2023
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The Brown Noser

Henry Block


Henry's articles

“Let’s Get This Shitshow Over With” Mutters Christina Paxson At Start Of Mid-Year Graduation Ceremony | Dec 16 2022

Sources listening closely to the beginning of the mid-year completion ceremony last week report hearing University president Christina Paxson mutter to herself, “let’s get this shitshow over with.” “Alright, Chris, you just gotta sit through a few speeches, say some shit someone wrote for you, and then this waste of time will be over and done,” said President Paxson softly in the upper Salomon lecture hall at the beginning of the ceremony that lasted no more than 45 minutes.

BDH Reporter Waiting In Darkened Alleyway For Anonymous Source On Upcoming CareerLAB Webinar | Dec 16 2022

Furtively looking over his shoulder as his wristwatch nears 3 AM, a BDH reporter is waiting in a darkened alleyway for an anonymous source on an upcoming CareerLAB webinar. “My editor has been on my ass to get a good scoop, and I’ve been starting to get nervous I was gonna get canned if I didn’t cover a real story soon,” said BDH junior writer Peter Rubin ‘26, nervously tapping his foot on asphalt and avoiding eye contact with the occasional sketchy passerby.

Delusional Squirrel Running Away As Though Anyone Would Want His Acorns | Dec 16 2022

According to sources sitting on a bench by the Main Green, an absolutely delusional squirrel is running away from people as though any of them would want to take his acorns. “Not to be disrespectful or anything, but I’m a person and don’t want to eat raw acorns from the ground,” said onlooker Sierra Pérez, confused as to why the squirrel doesn’t just relax around her.

Cryptic To-do Note From Yesterday Just Says “Send Email | Dec 16 2022

Visibly shaken at the sight of the terrifying message he apparently left for himself the night before, area man Brian Nash has discovered a cryptic to-do note on his phone that just reads, “Send Email.” “Why did I think that I’d just remember who I was supposed to email?” said Nash of the mysterious note that draws into question his continuous sense of self.

Pottery Barn Releases New Shatter-Proof Hand Mirror For Hideous Stepmothers | Dec 16 2022

Describing them as the perfect way to look at your face without your dreadful, stern features causing the glass to immediately break into thousands of shards, Pottery Barn has released a new line of shatter-proof hand mirrors designed especially for hideous stepmothers.

Report: Everyone Saw You Press “No Tip” On The iPad | Dec 16 2022

According to an exhaustive recent survey of the café you were in yesterday, everyone, including all staff, customers, and even passersby on the street, saw you press “No Tip” on the iPad. “We all saw, asshole,” said customer Flora Saunders reflecting the sentiments of everyone in the café, who all shook their heads in disgust and whispered to one another when you didn’t even have the decency to leave a mere five-percent tip to the barista.

POINT: After Graduation, I’m Going To Take A Year Off To Travel. / COUNTERPOINT: After My Daughter’s Graduation, I’m Paying For Her To Travel | Dec 16 2022

POINT: After Graduation, I’m Going To Take A Year Off To Travel, by Marley Riggs, ‘23 Brown has offered me a world-class education, one which has provided me with an unrivaled global perspective. But while I’ve learned about the world, I’ve yet to really experience it.

“And These Are The Patient’s Eyeballs,” Says Anatomy Professor Handing Peeled Grapes To Blindfolded Students | Oct 31 2022

Passing a bowl of peeled grapes to his blindfolded pre-med students, human anatomy professor David Jacobsohn spookily said, “these are the patient’s eye- balls,” during a Halloween-themed “Frankenstein’s lab” component of the lecture. “The patient was a young, white male, aged 28, moderately healthy though an occasional smoker, and these are his goopy brains!” said Jacobsohn as he passed around a bowl of cold spaghetti.

Reslife Replaces Housing Lottery With Direct Appeal To God | Oct 31 2022

In an attempt to streamline a process criticized by students as complex and inefficient, ResLife has announced that they have replaced the housing lottery with a direct appeal to God. “In order to secure housing for the 2023-2024 academic year, all you have to do is pray that it’ll work out,” wrote ResLife president Julie Bloomberg in an email to students.

Report: It Unclear Exactly What The Indy Independent From | Oct 31 2022

According to a recent survey of Brown University student publications, it’s unclear precisely what The College Hill Independent, known as ‘The Indy,” thinks it’s independent from. “When The Indy briefly lost its SAO funding earlier this semester due to a logistics miscommunication, my first thought was, ‘Wait, they receive university funding?’” said Indy reader Lara Saltzmann ‘25, confused about how the Indy is any more independent than any other club at Brown.

Brown University To Shut Down After Failing To Attend Mandatory SAO Workshop | Oct 31 2022

Since its founding in 1764 by 18th-century baptists, Brown has grown from a small college to one of the world’s most prestigious universities. However, after 258 years of accreditation, Brown University officially shut down today after failing to attend a mandatory SAO event planning workshop.

Area Man Eating Qdoba Even Though He Not In Airport | Oct 31 2022

According to Doordash driver Wilson Lawlor, he was tasked with picking up an area man’s food from the Mexican chain restaurant Qdoba, even though the man wasn’t even stuck in an airport. “I’m a bit confused why anyone would eat Qdoba in the real world; I had assumed that you only ate Qdoba when you had to kill time during a layover,” said Lawlor a bit shocked to drive up to the Fall River, Massachusetts Qdoba and see that the chain really does exist outside of airports.

Fun Airplane Safety Video Teaches Passengers How To Die Painlessly In Ocean Via Song | Oct 31 2022

Injecting a bit of silly fun into its flights, United Airlines has replaced its boring pre- flight announcement with a fun, new safety video that teaches passengers how to die painlessly in the ocean via song. “The music video began on the streets of Rio De Janeiro, where a slow-motion shot captured the eclectic joy of Carnival,” said delighted sources watching the video, which is the only thing ensuring their watery deaths won’t be agonizing and slow.

Friend Group Going As Minions Not United In Whether It Ironic | Oct 31 2022

According to sources close to the group of six sophomores living in Minden, the friend group is clearly not united in whether their decision to dress as Minions together for Halloween is ironic or not. “It’s a mess. Some of them are half-naked, dressed as ‘slutty minions,’ and some of them are in full facepaint and everything,” said David Ortega ‘25, the host of the Halloween party the group attended, confirming that they should have maybe had a deeper discussion about their intentions beforehand.

Dorm Halloween Party Only Scary In A Fire-Safety Violation Kind Of Way | Oct 31 2022

Sources at a crowded Halloween party in the basement of Caswell confirm that the event is only really scary in a fire-safety kind of way. “No one here is dressed as anything spooky and the only decoration here is a LED strip light set to orange,” said sophomore Oren Baker, who wasn’t scared by the costumes or music, but more so that if there were to be a fire, very few people would be able to make it out alive.

Haunted House Would Be Much More Useful As Haunted Multifamily Unit | Oct 31 2022

According to New England housing justice nonprofit ROOFS, a new Warwick haunted house attraction “Mansion of Frights” would be much more useful as a haunted multifamily unit. “We feel that in this ongoing housing crisis, it is simply irresponsible to be constructing such large buildings that are only meant to house one family of vengeful Victorian spirits,” said ROOFS outreach coordinator Jennifer Ryan at a growing protest at the gnarled gates to the haunted house.

Don’t Play Monster Mash On Halloween Unless You Listen To It Year-Round | Oct 31 2022

The word Halloween doesn’t appear in Bobby “Boris” Pickett’s 1954 folk classic “Monster Mash,” yet every late October, like clockwork, people who otherwise show no interest in the song are suddenly comfortable playing it ad nauseum. It’s disrespectful to both the legacy of the artist and to the fans for whom the song has incredible meaning to ghettoize this beautiful work to such a brief time of the year.

Essay With Same Title As Collection Must Be The Good One | Sep 16 2022

According to readers of memoirist Gwendolyn Liu’s latest collection of essays, the essay entitled “On Swans” must be the good one because it has the same title as the book. “I was making my way through the book, and I found the first couple essays to be fine enough, but when I got to ‘On Swans,’ I was like hell yeah, now it’s time for the good one,” said English concentrator Brandon Madrillo ‘24, who pushed himself to read the essays in order instead of skipping to the titular one first.

Brown Dining Services Debuts New Slop Trough For All You Hungry Piggies | Sep 16 2022

To combat long lines at overcrowded dining halls, Brown Dining Services has announced a new cafeteria at which Brown students can eat, study, and socialize: a 50-yard-long slop trough. “Oink oink piggies of Brown University, it’s feeding time!” began Brown Dining Services in an email to students announcing the new meal option.

Tank In Dentist Office Lobby Officially Most Habitable Place On Earth For Tropical Fish | Sep 16 2022

Biology Research Institute, due to climate change-related habitat loss, the fish tank in the lobby of SmileBrite pediatric dentist’s office in Worcester, Massachusetts is officially the most habitable environment on Earth for tropical fish. “We have looked at the data relating to water pollution, ocean acidification, and oil particles per million and have concluded that the fish tank in SmileBrite’s office, though small, is the best place on Earth to be a tropical fish,” said oceanographer Katrina Graff, petitioning the UN to designate SmileBrite’s lobby as a nature reserve.

Organic Dog Food Mimics Pellets Found In Nature | Sep 16 2022

According to pet industry sources, organic dog food brand Wilderness Feast provides dogs with a nutrient-complete diet by mimicking the pellets a dog would encounter in nature. “Our kibble is specifically designed to recreate the type of uniform brown circles that the dog’s wolf ancestors would have eaten,” said Wilderness Feast spokesperson Jennifer Kilgore, explaining how this brand uses only the ingredients that occur naturally in the shelf-stable pellets in nature.

Mustachioed Pete Buttigieg Solves Elaborate Whodunnit On Amtrak Train | Sep 16 2022

According to sources on the southbound Boston-to-DC Acela Amtrak train, Department of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg is pacing up and down the aisle as he twirls his big mustache while putting the pieces together of an elaborate whodunnit. “You see, while we all thought Gabrielle in 21B was in the bathroom during the time in which Imogene in 13C’s egg salad sandwich was stolen, she was walking up to business class to ask her husband Lars in 6A a question about their goddaughter, Lars being the very man who forgot to pack a lunch for the journey,” said Secretary Buttigieg, eliciting gasps from the passengers and pretending to smoke out of a big pipe, because actually smoking is not permitted on Amtrak trains.

Nation’s Wiry Dads To Go On Bike Trip | Sep 16 2022

Strapping on their helmets and zipping up their tight-fitting multicolored nylon shirts, the nation’s wiry dads are gearing up to go on yet another bike trip. “My bike buddies and I are so excited to bike up the coast of Northern California, it’s great exercise and a whole lot of fun,” said sinewy father Owen March, the contours of his frog-like leg muscles peering through his padded bike shorts as he and the rest of the country’s skinny dads squeezed their water bottle for a faraway sip.

Bird Way Too Deep In Airport To Ever Escape | Sep 16 2022

Travelers at Boston Logan’s Terminal E this morning have reported that a bird was way too far inside of the airport ever to find its way out of there. “It was a fun surprise to see that bird flying around near my gate, but I got sad when I realized that it was probably gonna die in here,” said Newton resident Marc Hough, considering how the bird must spend its days flying from terminal to terminal, eating food court crumbs from the garbage.

Nature Documentary Has Clear Pro- Coral Reef Bias | Sep 16 2022

According to media watchdogs, Netflix’s new nature documentary “Our Blue Marvel,” has a clear bias in favor of coral reefs. “For a show to claim that it’s nonfiction, it should be held to certain standards of impartiality,” wrote media journalist Raquel Norman for her organization, Fairness in Communication.

19th-Century Pioneer Just Gonna Give Up In Iowa | Sep 16 2022

Abraham Hutchins, a mid-1800s pioneer en route from Boston to California is just going to give up in Iowa. “Fuck it. You know what? This is fine. I’m fucking done, okay?” said Hutchins, stepping out of his covered wagon in rural Iowa, 1800 miles from his destination.

CCB Celebrates Biggest Event Of Year With Six Students Eating Flatbread In Kasper Multipurpose Room | Apr 22 2022

With a record student attendance of nearly seven, the Class Coordinating Board is celebrating the wild success of its biggest event of the year, where six students ate Flatbread in the Kasper Multipurpose Room. “This event wouldn’t have been possible without everyone who helped put it together,” said CCB president Noah Krantz ‘22.5, referring to the 30+ members of the event planning committee.

Girl Getting Goat Cheese And Fig Spread At Blue Room As Though She Caligula | Apr 22 2022

Ordering a luxurious meal of only the finest of epicurean delights, Leslie Gardener ‘24 is getting a Blue Room sandwich with goat cheese and fig spread as though she were the hedonistic Roman emperor Caligula. “I’ll get a ciabatta roll with goat cheese, fig spread, prosciutto, and olive oil,” commanded the sophomore and depraved libertine as though she were the debauched emperor of Rome at a lurid orgy of the senses, decadently ringing a little bell to command a lowly peon to bring imported meats and cheeses to her drunken bacchanal.

Girl Renders Entire Selfhood On Dorm Room Wall Via One Million Little Paper Things | Apr 22 2022

With every inch of her wall covered in ticket stubs, postcards, polaroids, little drawings, and small movie posters, freshman Sofia Greene has rendered her entire selfhood on her dorm room wall via one million little paper things. “I love to have my room really feel like me,” said Greene in front of the wall that completely sums up who she is as a person and comprises a complex grid of saved thank you notes, theater programs, poems, magazine clippings, concert tour posters, and stickers.

Incoming Freshman Boys Fighting Over Who Going To Be The One That Takes Drone Videos | Apr 22 2022

Sources in the class of 2026 report that a large group of incoming freshmen is fighting over which one is going to be the boy who takes drone videos. “There can only be one!” bellowed prospective MCM concentrator Brian Goldman, as he began an elaborate ritual designed to designate one boy from the incoming class to be the one who flies a drone around the school and gets aerial shots of campus for Brown’s Instagram.

Report: Huh, Professor Using Firefox | Apr 22 2022

As Professor Bradley Jacobson showed a video from his computer to his microeconomics course, sources in the class reported that oh, Professor Jacobson uses Firefox. “Huh, okay,” said Cole Whitman ‘24, clocking his professor’s choice of browser.

Roommates Devise Simple Chore Wheel Where One Person Just Fucking Does Everything | Apr 22 2022

Hanging up a circle on their fridge with only one name on it, roommates Rebecca Crane ’22, Nora Lukas ’22, and Marnie Braverman ’22.5 have devised a simple chore wheel where Marnie just fucking does everything. “It’s a really amazing system we’ve devised,” said Braverman, elbow-deep in dishwater as her two roommates hung out in the other room.

Student Excited To Launch Start-Up That Will Be Endlessly Ridiculed By His Peers | Apr 22 2022

Psyching himself up to press “post” on his soon-to-be-updated LinkedIn page, entrepreneurial sophomore Charlie Walsh is excited to announce the launch of “CoinScape,” a start-up that will be endlessly ridiculed by his peers. “I’m so proud to launch CoinScape, a totally student-run company aimed at getting young people involved with cryptocurrency,” wrote Walsh in a post that spread around his peers like wildfire, with everyone absolutely ravenous to make fun of it.

Entire Student Body Too Excited To Sleep Because Of Upcoming CareerLAB Virtual Resume Workshop | Apr 22 2022

Unable to shake their giddy smiles as they toss and turn awake in bed, the entire student body of Brown University is too excited to sleep because of an upcoming CareerLAB virtual resume workshop. “I know I should really get some shuteye, but I can’t stop thinking about how I get to attend an awesome Zoom seminar next week,” said sophomore Brenden Wurthers, who, like every other undergrad at Brown, has been up every night for over a week in sheer excitement at the prospect of getting resume tips from the CareerLAB.

Providence Man Excited For Peaceful Day Of Barreling Down Thayer Street In Batmobile | Apr 22 2022

After a long, stressful week of work, Providence man Nathan Rossi is excited for a peaceful day spent loudly barreling down Thayer Street in a Batmobile. “Sometimes it’s easy to forget about yourself, and it’s important to take the time to just relax,” said Rossi as he revved up the deafening engine of his personal Batmobile.

Building Clearly Used To Be Rainforest Cafe | Apr 22 2022

With ATMs placed to cover up animatronic gorillas and vines disguised as wires, a local Chase Bank branch clearly used to be a Rainforest Cafe. “Hi, would it be possible for me to get ten dollars in quarters, please?” screamed Chase patron Greg Blustein over the din of roaring robot monkeys and thunderstorm sound effects as he entered the bank beneath an aquarium archway.

Straight Person Referring To “Partner” Better Be Lawyer, Cowboy, Or On A Field Trip | Apr 22 2022

Perplexed sources close to Craig Waters, a straight guy who keeps referring to his “partner,” report that he had better be a lawyer, a cowboy, or on an elementary school field trip to the zoo. “My partner and I went away for the weekend,” said Waters, who is in a totally straight relationship, so ideally should be referring to someone with whom he runs a law firm, drives cattle, or needs to be back to the school bus by three.

Can I Get An Extension On The Essay? I’m Lost At Sea On A Bamboo Raft | Apr 22 2022

Hi Professor! I hope you’ve had a great weekend! I’m wondering if it might be possible for me to receive an extension on the final paper. I feel my present circumstances might make it hard for me to turn in quality work since I’m currently somewhere in the South Pacific, drifting helplessly on a makeshift bamboo raft.

Off-Campus Apartment Has Coin-Op Sink | Mar 11 2022

Juniors Mary Blakely and Lana Kim’s off-campus apartment on John Street reportedly has a coin-op sink. “We love this place so much,” said Kim, showing off her spacious apartment. “The rent is a bit much, and of course, if you want to wash your hands, clean your dishes, or rinse produce, you do have to pay $1.50, but we get so much natural light.” “Our bedrooms are huge!” Kim said as she gestured to a bucket where she keeps quarters for the laundry machine and the sink.

Girl Wearing Big T-Shirt To Sleep Feels Like Supreme Court Justice | Mar 11 2022

Seeing the way her oversized sleep tee flows like a distinguished robe, Lucy Blakeslee, a junior who is wearing a big t-shirt to bed, feels like a Supreme Court justice. “You may approach the bench, Mr. Attorney,” said Blakeslee quietly to herself in her bedroom mirror, careful not to wake her roommate and have to explain herself.

Blacksmith Wants To Eat The Hot Metal Goo So Bad | Mar 11 2022

Salivating as he pours the glowing melted iron from a crucible into a sword mold, blacksmith Alaric Knotts wants to eat the hot metal goo so bad. “I can’t lie, I feel like it’ll taste like sour candy!” said Knotts, licking his lips at the thought of 3000° molten iron in his mouth.

Everyone At Grocery Store Jealous Of Kid Throwing Temper Tantrum On Floor | Mar 11 2022

Enviously watching a young boy writhe on the floor of the dairy aisle, everyone at Eastside Marketplace was reportedly jealous of a kid having a total meltdown on the ground. “God, that must be so freeing,” said onlooker Donna March of the young boy freaking out on the ground because his mom wouldn’t buy him Oreo yogurt.

Memoirist Won’t Stop Talking About How Old His Mother’s Hands Look | Mar 11 2022

Mitchell Landrie, author of the new memoir My Years at the Wharf, will not stop writing about how old his mother’s hands look. “The brush of my mother’s frail and ancient hand in the thicket of my hair reminded me what’s important,” writes Landrie in his memoir, in one of many images meant to convey the passage of time but mostly just rip on his mother’s hands.

Middle School Life Coach Recommends Cutting Out Toxic Weird Kids From Birthday Party | Mar 11 2022

Telling clients that it’s okay to end relationships with people who aren’t good for them, life coach and middle schooler Jordan Pandey recommends cutting out the toxic weird kids from your birthday party. “Every day is an opportunity to grow, but sometimes to become the fullest, most popular version of yourself, you have to cut out all of the nerds from your bowling birthday party’s invite list,” said the 6th-grade life coach also famous for telling his clients that tomorrow waits for no one, so if you want to make fun of a girl for wearing the same pants two days in a row, take the initiative to do it today.

Report: That Not Mommy | Mar 11 2022

Sources at Boston Logan airport gate C27 report that that is not Mommy. “Mommy!” said 6-year-old Lacie Mustich, pulling on the pant leg of a random woman at the airport because she wore brown shoes like Mommy, had yellow hair like Mommy, and carried a purse that looked like Mommy’s purse.

Tree Outside Of Window Tired Of You Using It To Mark Passage Of Time | Mar 11 2022

The beautiful tree outside the window by your desk, whose daily appearance reminds you of the changing seasons, is tired of you using it to mark the passage of time. “I’ve had enough of you gawking at me just because I serve as a natural reminder that time marches on, and with it, you grow as a person through new experiences.

Goose Just Realizing It Could Take Down Whole 747 If It Wanted To | Mar 11 2022

Seeing a plane approach alongside him, a goose just realized that if he wanted to, he could totally fly into the engine and take down the entire 747. “Oh my God, I can’t believe I just thought to do that, what the hell?” honked the goose aloud to himself, shocked and scared at where his mind wandered for a brief moment.

Area Woman Snacking On Apple, Bread, Cheese Like She Medieval Peasant Resting From Day’s Labor In Cowshed | Feb 04 2022

Letting out a deep, satisfied sigh as she eats her food, area woman Laura Paine is having a snack of apple, bread, and cheese like she is a medieval peasant wife taking a respite from the day’s labor in the cowshed. “Yum!” said Paine, eating her simple snack as if it were the only earthly joy a woman in the 1300’s offers herself as she relaxes for just one blissful moment, shading herself beside the milking cows.

Pathetic City Famous For Sandwich | Feb 04 2022

Smithborough, Kentucky, a pathetic mid-sized city, is famous for a stupid little sandwich. “Welcome to Smithborough, home of the world-famous ‘Tasty Turkey,’” begins a brochure for the sad city, which could only manage to muster up a turkey sandwich as its selling point.

Ted Lasso Hailed As Powerful Reminder Apple TV+ Exists | Feb 04 2022

The critically-acclaimed streaming series Ted Lasso, which concluded its second season late last year, is being hailed by viewers and critics alike as a powerful reminder that Apple TV+ exists. “Ted Lasso is exactly the type of show we as a country need right now,” writes Vox television critic Anders Candler.

O, You Pitiful Fools, I Could Destroy Your Lives With But One Email by Richard M. Locke | Feb 04 2022

Look at you. Small…pathetic. Like writhing eels waiting for feed. Don’t you see? I own you. Do you realize the extent to which I can turn you to dust with the simple click of a button? O! You pitiful fools! I could destroy your small, insignificant lives with but one email.

Endangered Animal Can’t Help But Love The Attention | Feb 04 2022

A Sumatran Rhinoceros, part of a species recently labeled “critically endangered” by the International Union for the Conservation of Nature, can’t help but love all the new attention he’s been getting lately. “Ever since I became endangered everyone has become straight-up obsessed with me and I can’t get enough,” said the rhinoceros, whose species has dwindled to under 80 in the wild.

Female Bowling Pin Distinguished Via Eyelashes | Feb 04 2022

Patrons of the Rock n’ Bowl bowling alley in Cranston, RI report that a female CGI bowling pin is distinguished from her male counterpart via eyelashes. “When I hit a strike, the score display TV showed a little CGI animation of two bowling pins kissing,” explained casual bowler Lily Kim.

Cheap Hand Sanitizer Sparking Warlike Memories Of Tequila Night | Feb 04 2022

According to clients of Dr. Randy Patel’s dental practice in East Providence, the cheap hand sanitizer on the receptionist’s desk is sparking warlike memories of tequila night. “Do you mind if I use a bit of that hand sanitizer? Thanks so mu—” said dental patient Lily Samuelson, her eyes widening and her voice dropping to complete silence as she smelled the cheap hand sanitizer and was transported back to that night, that tequila night.

Geology Professor Wondering How He Going To Stretch Out The Three Types Of Rock For Whole Semester | Feb 04 2022

Frantically attempting to revise his syllabus before the start of shopping period, professor of geology Dr. Langdon Berg has no idea how he’s going to stretch out the three types of rock for an entire semester. “To be honest I could pretty much cover all of the material in a few minutes,” said Berg, staring at the blinking cursor next to “Week 3: Metamorphic.” “There are only three types of rock, for chrissake, how the hell can I make this last 15 weeks?” “Okay, if I just accept that I have to give each type of rock five weeks, I can start planning this class seriously,” said Berg, beginning to scribble down a note reading “let them touch the rocks??” “My buddy knows a lot about igneous rock, so I bet I could knock off a class by getting him as a guest lecturer.

Guy With Mullet Drastically More Or Less Cool Than You | Feb 04 2022

Unable to determine the amount of irony involved in the haircut, sources report that Brandon Schmidt, a man across the street with a mullet, is either drastically more or less cool than you. “This could go one of two very extreme ways,” said sources, trying to make out if Schmidt has a mullet in a bad-fashion-sense kind of way or a semi-ironic-self-aware-queer-80’s-reclamation sort of way.

Report: House The Type Where Bong Just Out | Feb 04 2022

Displaying the weed paraphernalia nonchalantly on the coffee table, Jennifer Greeley’s third-floor walk-up seems to be the type of house where a bong is just out. “Ope, there’s a bong,” said a visitor to Greeley’s house, noting the bong and making a concerted effort to show that this is normal to him and he is totally cool with it.

Tumultuous Regime Change Destabilizes Student Club | Feb 04 2022

Sources close to the Brown Screenprinting Society report that a rocky shift in leadership is threatening to destabilize the club’s fragile order. “When campus went remote last year, the club sort of fell by the wayside,” said club member Lucie Graves ‘24, solemnly pondering the precarity of her organization.

Urban Studies Department Confirms Nothing Impossible In The Big City | Dec 03 2021

A study authored by top researchers from Brown’s Urban Studies department has confirmed that, in the big city, nothing is impossible. “After a thorough spatial, structural, and sociological analysis of the nation’s top urban centers, we have confirmed that, in the big city, the only thing higher than the buildings are your dreams,” said co-author of the study Dr.

Café Menu Display Using 10,000 Shades Of Chalk | Dec 03 2021

According to the stunned patrons of local coffee shop Beans United, the café’s menu display is written in over 10,000 shades of chalk. “I went up to the barista to order a drink, but when I saw the menu overhead, I was so dazzled by the vast array of colors that I couldn’t speak,” recounted James Marshall of his experience with the display written in more colors than the human eye can reasonably differentiate.

Delusional Onion Trying To Become Plant In Cabinet | Dec 03 2021

Kitchen sources report that a totally delusional onion is trying to become a plant in the cabinet. “It’s honestly so sad. What does it think is going to happen in there?” said area woman Mara Wallach, watching her forgotten onion put so much effort into sprouting a green stalk in the cabinet as if it could ever become a plant there.

Deptartment Of Transportation Staffer With Handlebar Mustache Keeps Suggesting Investment In Blimps | Dec 03 2021

According to inside sources at the Department of Transportation, a mysteriously whimsical staffer with a handlebar mustache and fanciful purple suit keeps suggesting the government invest in blimps. “He won’t stop talking about lighter-than-air travel,” said senior advisor Butch Morgan of the man known only by the name T.T.

Godmother Would Have Given You Better Locket If She Knew You’d Be So Obsessed With It After Her Death | Dec 03 2021

Martha Bancroft, your godmother who died in 2005, would have given you a better locket if she knew you’d become so obsessed with it. “It’s so odd to watch you wear that thing every day,” said Bancroft from beyond the grave. “That was, like, my fourth-best locket.

Guy Using Teeth To Scrape Muffin Remnants Off Paper Like Bottom-Dwelling Catfish | Dec 03 2021

After swiftly finishing his banana nut muffin from Starbucks, area man Brandon Ford was using his teeth to scrape the muffin remnants off the paper like he’s a bottom-dwelling catfish grazing for moss. “My snack was so tasty! I want to make sure I get every last bite,” said Ford, as he dragged his bottom teeth across the wrapper like he was scavenging for algae and other ocean detritus along the sandy seafloor.

Rowdy Kids Ruining Laser Tag Arena For Weird Adults Who Are Into War | Dec 03 2021

Sources at Kidz Zone, an indoor amusement complex, report that rowdy kids are ruining the laser tag arena for the weird adults who are really into war. “I hate coming here on the weekends because all these stupid kids don’t have school and ruin the area for everyone,” said Brandon Marshall, a strange 35-year-old man in long cargo shorts who loves all things war.

Stone Age Rom-Com Asks If Hunters, Gatherers Can Ever Really Be Friends | Dec 03 2021

According to Cambridge University anthropologists, recently unearthed paleolithic-era clay tablets depict a rom-com featuring two characters who bicker about whether hunters and gatherers can ever really just be friends. “It impossible. Need to mate will always get in way!” says Khork, the stubborn protagonist hunter as he and Khorka, a type-A gatherer, are stuck together riding a mammoth across vast grassland.

Well If It Isn’t — Ida, Cancel My 3 O’clock, An Old Friend’s Come To Visit | Dec 03 2021

Listen here, Charlie, why don’t you take the week off, rest up a little, eh? Say, hold a moment, would ya Charlie? I got to hang up the telephone, someone’s knockin’ on my door. Come in. Use the door, that’s why it’s there. Well if it isn’t — Ida, cancel my 3 o’clock, an old friend’s come to visit.

CDC Confirms You Don’t Need Mask If You’re Sitting Next To Cup | Dec 03 2021

In a televised press conference, CDC director Rochelle Walensky announced new public health guidelines based on the center’s recent COVID-19 research finding that you don’t need a mask if you are sitting next to a cup. “We are happy to say that you need not wear a mask in public indoor spaces if you are sitting next to a cup,” began Walensky in a prepared statement.

Students In Glass Room At The Rock Under Impression No One Can Hear Their Fucked-Up Little Psychodrama | Dec 03 2021

Sources on the first floor of the Rockefeller Library confirmed that two students in one of the definitively-not-soundproof glass rooms are under the impression that no one can hear their fucked-up little psychodrama. “It’s like Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf in there,” said Mary Lane, a sophomore who was just trying to study for her organic chemistry exam.

Gorgeous Italian Fresco Never Not Under Restoration | Oct 29 2021

According to church sources, the beautiful 16th-century fresco painted on the walls of St. Anthony’s Basilica in Vicenza is never not undergoing restoration. “We’re proud to draw tourists and art enthusiasts from all over the world to witness Albertuccio’s renaissance masterpiece, or what you can see of it through the scaffolding,” explained Basilica tour guide Giulia Ruscetti.

Every Inkblot In Rorschach Test Looks Like Mother Crawling On Ceiling Like Spider | Oct 29 2021

According to an internal report of the research methods at Princeton Plainsboro Psychiatric Institute, the facility’s Rorschach test is faulty as every inkblot looks just like Mother crawling on the ceiling like a spider. “We owe it to our patients to administer only the most up-to-date psychiatric tests,” said institute faculty member and author of the study, Dr.

Geologists Announce They Found A Cool Rock By The Lake | Oct 29 2021

Calling the specimen “sick as hell,” geologists at UC Berkley have announced that they found a really cool rock by the lake. “You gotta see this fucking rock, guys,” said lead geological researcher Dr. Thomas Goodwin. “I was hanging out by the lake when I saw something shiny in the sand, and it was this rock.

New Disney Movie To Feature First Gay Character To Come Out Of The Movie Entirely | Oct 29 2021

With its upcoming film Bear, an origin story about The Jungle Book’s Baloo, Disney is set to make history with its first gay character to come out of the movie entirely, never to be seen or heard from in the entire project. “We are so proud to release a film that at one point featured an out-and-proud queer character in an early draft,” wrote Disney CEO Bob Chapek in a statement hailed as groundbreaking by

Report: It Never The Best Time Of Year To Go To Botanical Garden | Oct 29 2021

Administrators of the Roger Williams Park Botanical Garden have conceded that it’s never really the best time of year to go there. “When people stop by, I like to preface their visit by saying that this really isn’t the best time to go, that way I limit their expectations of what the botanical garden can offer,” explained front gate operator Leslie Furkis.

Simple Charcuterie Board Perfect For When You’re Just In The Mood For Kalamata Olives, Parmesan Cheese Hunks, Whole Wheat Rosemary Crackers, Tangerine Marmalade, Prosciutto, Figs, Toasted Brie, Walnuts, Dried Apricots, Wasabi Peas, And A Whole Baguette | Oct 29 2021

“After work, I get hungry, but I don’t want to spoil my dinner,” explained Bon Appetit writer Molly Bloom. “That’s when I reach for my go-to snack: a plank of wood with upwards of 30 things on it.”

Slinky Just Gonna Be Fucked Up Forever Now | Oct 29 2021

After finding her favorite toy all tangled up, local 6-year-old Marcie Ackerman resigned herself to the fact that her Slinky is just gonna be fucked up forever now. “I was definitely bummed when it reached the bottom of the stairs in a big clump, but that’s just the way these things go, you know?“ said Ackerman with a wise stare and a soulful nod.

Slay, Mama! Werk Queen! That Hoodie Is Boots! by Your Friend Who Watched One Episode Of Drag Race | Oct 29 2021

Hi king! I haven’t seen you all semester! I hope things are going gorgeously, sis, and that your classes are serving knowledge the schoolhouse down. How am I? Well, I just watched my very first episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race last night — by the way, that hoodie is boots! The theme of your day must be Hoodie Eleganza Extravaganza because you’re bringing it to the ball.

My Open Relationship Saved My Affair | Oct 29 2021

There’s no one right way to do a marriage. Society may tell us that monogamy is the only option, but it’s important for partners to be honest with themselves and explore all options. I know that my marriage would have fallen apart if my husband and I hadn’t decided to redefine the boundaries of our relationship.

POINT: Dear Blueno Offers Us The Space To Freely Talk About Campus Issues / COUNTERPOINT: Circumcised People Should Be Arrested | Sep 17 2021

POINT: Dear Blueno Offers Us The Space To Freely Talk About Campus Issues Dear Blueno, a Facebook page that posts anonymous messages from the Brown community, offers us what the University has yet to facilitate: a forum to talk freely about the social, political, and institutional issues that define us.

We Have Heard Your Concern About How We Treat Our Workers, So We Have Changed Our Company’s Logo To A Seventies Font | Sep 17 2021

Honesty and transparency are fundamental to how we do business. That’s why we’re taking responsibility and saying openly, “Hey, we messed up.” We’re not perfect, but we thank you for pushing us to be. We’ve heard your concerns about our unethical labor practices and have decided to step up and meet the typographical moment.

Brown Constructs New Campus Swimmin’ Hole To Encourage Students To Hoot ‘N Holler Outdoors | Sep 17 2021

In an attempt to dissuade students from gathering indoors, Brown has completed construction on a brand new swimmin’ hole to encourage students to hoot ‘n holler outdoors when their book-learnin’s all done. “We recognize that the presence of the Delta variant has complicated our plans to fully reopen this fall,” wrote president Christina Paxson in an all-campus email.

Biologists Confirm Octopuses Smart, But Like, They Still Octopuses Let’s Not Get Ahead Of Ourselves | Sep 17 2021

A breathtaking new study published in The Journal of Zoological Research demonstrates that all octopus species are remarkably smart, but, like, they’re still octopuses so the word “smart” is relative here. “What we have found in octopuses is a surprising ability to distinguish between shapes and patterns,” said co-author of the study Dr.

Fucking Annoying Kid Won’t Stop Being Genuinely Curious About World Around Her | Sep 17 2021

Local five-year-old Junie Light, a little girl with a doe-eyed sense of wonder at the world around her, won’t shut the fuck up and stop asking so many goddamned questions. “Oh my god, babysitting this girl is a nightmare,” said Olivia Peel, a college student tired of Junie’s beautiful curiosity about the world she suddenly finds herself in, a world in which everything is new and there is so much left to discover.

Magazine Has Insane Uppercase Q | Sep 17 2021

Though The American Sleepwalker, a monthly arts and culture magazine, may seem normal enough, readers report that it has the most batshit insane uppercase Qs you could ever imagine. “I was trying to read a piece about QAnon that my friend wrote but I couldn’t get past the font,” said magazine reader Bethy Thompson about a piece chock full of distractingly pretentious Q’s whose tails swirl and swoop all the fuck over the place.

Mom Wasting No Time Turning Dead Son’s Bedroom Into Workout Space | Sep 17 2021

Replacing a display case of fencing trophies with a treadmill, bereaved mother Jessica Wallack is wasting no time turning her newly dead son’s bedroom into a home gym. “It’s beyond sad to no longer have Jeremy in the house,” said Wallack as she began to take apart Jeremy’s bed to make way for a brand new Peloton.

Multipurpose Room Used For Like Two Purposes At Best | Sep 17 2021

Though the room’s high ceiling and customizable square design could potentially accommodate an endless range of purposes, the multipurpose room located inside a downtown Providence condo building is only ever used for, like, two purposes at best. “It’s such a bummer to think about how many purposes that room could be used for,” said disappointed building resident Josh Plantman.

Report: Still Nothing More Fun Than A Kaleidoscope | Sep 17 2021

A survey of thrills, pastimes, and hobbies demonstrated that, even with all our modern technology, nothing is more fun than a kaleidoscope. “Every time you put your eye up to the barrel of a kaleidoscope and give the end a twist, it’s just as amazing as your first time,” said Jeff Firkus, a lawyer who keeps a kaleidoscope on his desk for whenever he needs a pick-me-up.

Main Green Ripens Into Delicious Main Orange | Apr 09 2021

Signaling what is for many the official arrival of spring on campus, Brown University’s Main Green has ripened into a delicious Main Orange. “There’s nothing better than meeting up with good friends at the Main Orange in April and slurping down the fruit by the handful,” said Lisa Gable ‘21 as piquant juice from the Main Orange dripped down her chin.

2021 Oscars Proud To Celebrate Historic Number Of Studio Bribes | Apr 09 2021

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences’ annual Oscar nominations made history in this strange year for cinema by celebrating a record amount of studio bribes. “We’re proud to celebrate the diversity of Hollywood,” said Academy president David Rubin in a speech at the televised nomination ceremony.

California Prison System Offering Incredible Unpaid Firefighting Internship | Apr 09 2021

Director of the California Department of Corrections Kathleen Allison has announced that the state’s prison system will offer the incarcerated a fabulous opportunity to gain real job exposure with an unpaid firefighting internship. “In the past, we’ve been rightly criticized for using prison labor to fight our state’s worsening wildfires and paying a cruelly low wage of 18¢ per hour,” said Alison in a prepared statement last week.

Providence’s Little Italy Offers Visitors Great Views Of Teeny-Tiny Italians | Apr 09 2021

Federal Hill, known as Providence’s “Little Italy,” boasts historic architecture, amazing Italian cuisine, and many great opportunities to view the teeny-tiny Italians. “People always have a great time when they come to Little Italy,” said Providence tourism councilwoman Marsha Pignoli as she presented a photo montage of the miniature Italians serving pizza on a coin.

Russian Nonprofit Helps Young Girls In STEM Learn To Commit Cyberterrorism | Apr 09 2021

A new Moscow-based feminist non-profit is gaining worldwide acclaim for taking bold steps to encourage more girls in STEM to commit acts of cyberterrorism. “When I got first job at internet troll farm in bunker beneath Siberian tundra, I was disheartened to see I was only woman there,” said chairwoman Galina Petrov in a speech at a St.

Tornado Powerless Against Schoolchildren Kneeling In Line | Apr 09 2021

Sources report that a category 5 tornado swerved cleanly around Casimir Pulaski Elementary School in Carbondale, Illinois when it encountered schoolchildren kneeling in a line. “As a school in the Midwest, we make sure to teach our kids tornado safety,” said principal Barbara Pocket in reference to the monthly tornado drills where the children kneel in the hallway for 10 minutes.

Woman Haunted By Terrors Of Own Mind While Folding Laundry Without Listening To Podcast | Apr 09 2021

Folding her laundry while her phone charged in the other room, local woman Tammy Reese was haunted by her own mind after going ten minutes without listening to a podcast. “Get out of my head!” shouted Reese at her own inner monologue, a voice she has not heard in years.

FDA Approves First Vaccine Made Of Shrunk-Down Middle School Science Class | Apr 09 2021

In a major milestone in the fight against COVID-19, the FDA has approved the first vaccine composed of a shrunk-down middle school science class. “After extensive clinical trials and thorough review, we have finally approved the first vaccine for COVID-19 which prevents viral infection by shrinking down a fifth grade science class to the size of a few nanometers and injecting them directly into a patient’s bloodstream,” announced FDA chairwoman Janet Woods at a press briefing yesterday.

Students Eating Lunch On Faunce Steps Like Jungle Creatures On Ruins Of Mesoamerican Pyramid | Apr 09 2021

On a gorgeous spring day on the Main Green last Friday, students ate their lunch on the Faunce steps like jungle creatures on the side of a long-abandoned Mesoamerican pyramid. “It’s such a beautiful day to meet with a friend for lunch on the steps of Faunce!” said junior Margie Graham, sharing clementines with her friend as if they were primates feeding on the stone steps of a ruined Aztec pyramid.

Brown Administration Worried 4/20 Will Lead To Spike In Positive Vibes | Apr 09 2021

Citing the tradition of students gathering on the Main Green to smoke marijuana on April 20th, University administrators are worried that 4/20 will lead to a drastic increase in positive vibes. “We know that in years past, students have enjoyed gathering on 4/20 and getting higher than the Carrie Bell Tower," wrote vice president of campus life Eric Estes in an email to students.

Student Walking Into OMAC Testing Site Like It The Bar From Cheers | Apr 09 2021

Visiting the reliable cast of characters at the OMAC testing center two to three times a week, sophomore Brian Goldblatt is walking into the place like it’s the bar from the long-running NBC sitcom Cheers. “Brian!” said all of the smiling workers at the testing center in unison as Goldblatt made his entrance into the OMAC.

Hunter Gives Off Major Gatherer Vibes | Mar 12 2021

According to other members of his prehistoric tribe of early hominids, Khork — a skilled hunter — really gives off major gatherer vibes. “It so hilarious! Cavepeople stay thinking Khork gatherer! Maybe it the pattern on Khork loincloth?” grunted Khork with a tone of voice that to other cavepeople totally makes it seem like he enjoys scavenging for seeds and nuts.

When You Receive The Key To The City, Please Let Me Out Of This Box by The Mayor | Mar 12 2021

Hello there! Congratulations, boy-o, you’ve saved the 4th of July Parade! Your reward? A day in your honor, free milkshakes for life, and of course the highest honor of all: the key to the city! Okay, great. Now that you have the key, will you please, please, please let me out of this box? Because of your heroic actions that stopped that wicked bandit from stealing the wheels off of all the parade floats, our town had a magnificent, splendiferous celebration of Independence Day.

People Can’t See Through Corn. Here’s Why That’s A Problem. by A Vox Journalist Lost In A Maze | Mar 12 2021

As long as there has been corn, it’s been opaque. Now, all over this maze in which I am currently lost, people are starting to see why that’s problematic. Here’s why we need corn that everyone can see through. The Push for Transparent Corn, Explained.

YouTube Algorithm Radicalizing Woman Into Militant Yarn Hobbyist | Mar 12 2021

Prioritizing content with increasingly extreme points of view, YouTube’s video recommendation algorithm is reportedly radicalizing local woman Lorraine Crandus into a militant yarn hobbyist. “It started off innocuous enough — I was pleasantly surprised when she made me a winter hat,” said Lorraine’s concerned sister Deb, who feels like she’s losing a loved one to the growing online contingent of yarn-fueled extremists.

Actor In Shakespeare Play Excited to Air-Hump At All the Sex Lines | Mar 12 2021

Gil Caribou, an actor in a Providence-based Shakespeare company, is excited to make the material feel modern by air-humping at all the sex lines. “I’m really looking forward to making some bold choices this season,” said Caribou of his choice do some gross body movements whenever a character refers to sex.

Cool Geese Flying In Z | Mar 12 2021

On their annual southward migration last week, a flock of sick-as-hell geese were spotted flying in a Z, which is the coolest letter of the alphabet. “Sure, a Z is less aerodynamic than a V or even a lowercase L, but there’s no denying those geese looked effing rad,” said one onlooker who saw the baller geese.

Cryptic Runes On Takeout Box Somehow Supposed To Communicate “Cobb Salad” | Mar 12 2021

According to the patrons of Roy’s Bistro in Cranston, the establishment recently labeled a takeout order of Cobb salad with an intricate series of cryptic runes decipherable only to high-ranking restaurant staff. “Look, we’re a very busy restaurant,” said owner Roy Gershberg, referencing the mysterious symbols that baffle those who pick up his all-American fare for takeout.

Google Doodle Clearly Inside Joke | Mar 12 2021

Instead of celebrating an important historical figure or holiday, yesterday’s Google Doodle clearly referenced some Google staffers’ lame inside joke. “I knew that the doodle wasn’t really for me as soon as I saw that the Os were supposed to be eggs, and there were arrows pointing to the Gs which read ‘Kelly’s slippery hands,‘” said one Google user, recalling that the doodle ended with beer bottles for the L and E.

Grandpa's Pills Big | Mar 12 2021

Rummaging through his grandfather’s medicine cabinet during a game of hide and seek with his cousins, 8-year-old Ollie Park has discovered that his elderly grandpa’s pills are absolutely gigantic. “I knew I was going to find something crazy as soon as I opened the mirror door,” remarked Park as he opened the compartments of a weekly pill organizer with a mixture of morbid curiosity and perverse excitement.

New Yorker Illustration Depicts Horrible Dystopia In Which Bear Goes To Psychiatrist | Mar 12 2021

A recent issue of the New Yorker drew controversy for its uniquely terrifying cartoon depicting a horrifying dystopia in which a bear goes to a psychiatrist’s office and says “Doc, I think I might be a bi-polar bear.” “In the dark corners of my imagination, anything can happen,” cartoonist Carl Ghoulsby said of his sick, demented illustration which sent a wave of terror through the homes of the New Yorker’s readership.

Psychedelics Totally Changed Man’s Outlook On Texture Of Fritos | Mar 12 2021

Emerging from the transcendent experience with a newfound sense of clarity, Providence man Brett Reid’s recent brush with psilocybin mushrooms has completely altered his outlook on the texture of Fritos corn chips. “You have to go into a trip for the right reasons, not just to have fun,” Reid said with newfound tranquility.

Sound Of Smoke Alarm Seamlessly Incorporated Into Dream | Mar 12 2021

Imagining the loud, urgent beeps as a reversing ice cream truck, local asleep man Robbie Wick has seamlessly incorporated the sound of a smoke alarm into his dream. “Woohoo! Looks like it’s ice cream time everyone!” Wick said in his dream to a bizarre mix of coworkers, celebrities, and friends from high school at a barbeque he threw for his dog’s birthday.

Weed Strain Perfect For A Chill, Mellow Panic Attack | Mar 12 2021

“Pancake Skunk,” a strain of marijuana popular at many dispensaries in New England, is reportedly perfect for weed-smokers looking to kick back, relax, and have a chill, mellow panic attack. “Pancake Skunk is one of my all time favorite strains,” said Benny Richman, a worker at the Worcester dispensary “Up In Smoke.” “It’s a total body high, Indica blend, perfect for putting on a good movie and struggling to catch your breath while you remember that you will die one day.” Smokers of Pancake Skunk note that the strain has a pleasant fruity smell, makes food taste incredible, and is great for a night where all you want to do is lie in your bed fearing the arrival of the police without realizing you’ve been digging your fingernails into your leg.

Word Search On Cereal Box Easy As Fuck | Mar 12 2021

According to breakfast-time sources, the word search on the back of a Honey Bunches of Oats cereal box is fucking embarrassingly easy. “Help us hungry bees find the hidden words!” says a stupid cartoon bee, referring to only like four barely hidden words that literally anyone with functioning eyes can find because none of them even go backwards. “This puzzle is honey bunches of fun!” The back of the box also features a maze that is so fucking easy it’ll make your head spin.

Beatles Song Really Stressing That She A Little Girl | Feb 05 2021

“She’s All Mine (Oh Yeah, Girl),” a song by influential rock group The Beatles is, in retrospect, really making an effort to stress that the woman in the song is just a little girl. “I see her walking down the street (oh yeah) / She’s that little girl I’d like to meet,” begins the 1966 song which starts off okay before leaning a bit too heavily on the whole “little girl” thing.

Disney Confirms All Pixar Movies Take Place In Same Universe, But It’s One Where The Nazis Won | Feb 05 2021

In a press release yesterday, Disney CEO Bob Chapek confirmed fan theories that all Pixar movies take place in the same universe, however it is a universe where the Nazis were victorious in World War II. “We are delighted to confirm that the talking automobiles in Cars and Remy, the rat with a dream to cook from Ratatouille, all reside in one magical world,” began Chapek.

In Decisive Win For LGBTQ+ Community, The Unabomber Was Not Gay | Feb 05 2021

In an historic win for America’s LGBTQ+ community, infamous domestic terrorist Ted Kaczynski, known as the Unabomber, was not gay. “This is a huge moment for queer people everywhere,” said director of GLAAD Mara Cox in a teary-eyed public statement.

McSweeney's Reader Blown Away By Epic Bartleby The Scrivener Roast | Feb 05 2021

Mark Novak, a reader of McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, was seen laughing so hard he cried tears of joy after reading the humor piece “Bartleby The Scrivener Prefers Not To Social Distance.” “I am a rather elderly man. The nature of my avocations for the last thirty years has brought me into more than ordinary contact with what would seem an interesting and somewhat singular set of men, of whom as yet nothing that I know of has ever been written:—I mean the law-copyists or scriveners.

Shitty Bible Guy Barely Begat Any Offspring | Feb 05 2021

Sources found that Ismachaiah, mentioned briefly in Genesis 31:6, was probably some shitty doofus because he barely begat any offspring. “And after he begat Cainan, Enos lived eight hundred and fifteen years and begat myriad sons and daughters,” begins the Bible’s recounting of the lineage of Noah before quickly glossing over that practically infertile dipshit Ismachiah.

Tree Root Absolutely Ravaging Sidewalk | Feb 05 2021

Pedestrians on the corner of Hope and Arnold street in Fox Point have noted that a tree root is absolutely tearing into a section of sidewalk. “You’ve got to be careful when walking here or you might trip!” said pedestrian Debbie Peters as she walked over the completely demolished pavement which has been broken into a true fuckton of little cracked pieces by a brutal, take-no-names tree root.

“It’s Time To Return To Normalcy,” Threatens Biden | Feb 05 2021

In a recent address to a divided nation, President Biden threatened a return to the normal state of things. “The events of the last four years do not demonstrate who we are as a nation; let’s get back to who we are,” Biden threatened with malicious grin while punching his fist into his open palm like a schoolyard bully taunting terrified kids at recess.

Horny Climatologists Warn Florida Will Soon Be Under 6 Feet Of Hunk | Feb 05 2021

Sensually licking their lips at a UN press conference last week, a group of horned-up climatologists warned that Florida will soon be demolished by six feet of total hunk. “At this point it’s clear that if we don’t change our naughty ways, we might be powerless against 6 feet of sheer man-meat,” explained lusty climate scientist Dr.

Now Is The Time For Us All To Come Together And Pull My Car Out Of This Sinkhole | Feb 05 2021

Right now, we are in a moment of crisis. Divided we will fail, but united we can meet this moment and overcome. The sun is shining overhead. The air is crisp and clean. My Honda is only a few feet underground and it’s totally retrievable. Friends, loved ones, Americans: now is the time for us all to come together and pull my car out of this sinkhole.

Don’t Understand The Stock Market Situation? Allow Me To Explain It To You With A Condescending Metaphor About Bananas | Feb 05 2021

These past few weeks have been a wild one in the stock market. But if you’re not involved in finance, the whole situation might go a bit over your head. No worries! That’s why I’m here to dumb the whole thing down for your stupid peanut brain with some condescending metaphor about bananas or whatever.

POINT: A Renewed Interest In Pseudoscience Is Dangerously Eroding Shared Notions Of Truth / COUNTERPOINT: You’re Such A Virgo! | Feb 05 2021

POINT: A Renewed Interest In Pseudoscience Is Dangerously Eroding Shared Notions Of Truth by Dr. Lucy Keane Pseudoscientific beliefs are on the rise across all demographics in this country, and with it comes the total collapse of our shared notions of truth.

Irresponsible 12th Century Plague Doctor Not Even Wearing Insane Beak Mask | Oct 30 2020

Not doing his part to help protect himself and those in his village, irresponsible 12th century plague doctor Edmund Bradforde reportedly isn’t even wearing his insane beak mask. “I’m grateful f’r all his holp in leeching mine own blood and putting coins of silver on mine own body,” said infected woman Della Hanleye between bloody coughs.

Zoom Halloween Huge Bummer for Back of Two-person Horse Costume | Oct 30 2020

Spending the evening alone in her apartment, Halloween over Zoom has been an extra bummer for Lacy Meyer, who went as the back of a two person horse costume. “I have since come to realize the gravity of my error,” said Meyer dressed as a pair of hind-legs and a tail, her costume making no sense divorced of its front-of-horse counterpart.

Lab Rat Does It For The Love Of The Maze | Oct 30 2020

Feeling content with his lot at the East Side Clinical Laboratory in Lincoln, RI, a naturally curious lab rat reported that he just does it for the love of the maze. “You know some of my rodent buddies in this lab get real PO’d when we’re fed drugs that make us all loopy-like, or our reward is a raisin instead of a piece of cheese,” squeaked the lab rat with carefree air.

Brown Declares Pandemic Defeated After Putting Out 100 Plastic Chairs | Oct 30 2020

After placing about 100 plastic chairs around campus outdoor spaces in preparation for the influx of students this semester, the University’s COVID-19 task force has declared an end to the pandemic. “We solved it!” began an email from Vice President Eric Estes with the subject line “All Gone!” “Who knew that all we had to do to protect students from the virus was put out some chairs? That way people will sit outside, where the virus isn’t!” Sources close to Estes and President Christina Paxson report that they are expecting some sort of prize for their discovery of outside chairs, hopefully a Nobel, but a Medal of Freedom would be cool too.

Main Green Spikeball Boys Officially Reenter Winter Cryogenic Stasis Tubes | Oct 30 2020

After determining that the autumn weather is now cold enough to damage her perfect specimens, Brown Physiology Professor Dr. Josephine Clements has decided it’s time to send the boys who play Spikeball on the Main Green back to their winter cryogenic stasis tubes.

PW Officially Cancels Annual “Licking In The Upspace” Event | Oct 30 2020

In an all-lowercase listserv email, Brown student theater group Production Workshop has officially cancelled their annual “Licking in the Upspace” event due to the ongoing pandemic. “We are incredibly disappointed that we cannot invite the student body into the Upspace this Fall to engage with a sense of place," wrote PW communications director Michaela Price ‘21.

POINT: This Is Earth’s Hottest Year On Record. / COUNTERPOINT: This Is Trish’s Hottest Year On Record! | Oct 30 2020

Point: This is Earth’s Hottest Year on Record, by The National Climate Data Center 2020 is shaping up to be the Earth’s hottest year on record. The reason is simple, clear, and undeniable: this disaster is caused by man-made climate change.

Vote. This Is The Most Important Election Of A Lifetime by Pam Green, Organizer Of The Woodbury County Giant Pumpkin Contest | Oct 30 2020

This Fall, we face a truly historic decision. I’m sure you have all been following the news and need not hear it again from me, but it bears repeating: for the first time in the recent history of the Woodbury County Harvest Festival, we are opening up the judging for our annual giant pumpkin contest to you, the people.

Couple Separated In WWII To Reunite Over Zoom For Table Read Of Parks And Rec Script | Sep 25 2020

Dobry Wiśniewski, 103, and Estera Symanski, 100, were only just married when the German invasion of Poland destroyed their village and separated the newlyweds. Thanks to modern technology, however, the couple has finally had a chance to reunite after more than 80 long years apart.

Drinking Alone Rebranded As Learning Mixology | Sep 25 2020

Stirring her third whiskey sour of the evening with a newly-purchased bar spoon, Grace Salgado has cleverly rebranded her new compulsion to drink alone at night as teaching herself mixology. “It’s really cool that I’m making a little space every day to pick up a new hobby in this crazy time,” said Salgado, slurring her words as she added a little bit of extra whiskey to the drink.

Gay Man’s Playful Misogyny Mostly Just Misogyny | Sep 25 2020

Feeling extraordinarily comfortable calling all of his female friends bitches, gay man Preston Miller’s playful misogyny is reportedly pretty much just misogyny. “Hey dumb whores!” said Preston to his three female roommates, assuming that being gay gave him license to espouse blatant sexism. “Yaaas queens your asses look delicious today. Who wants a slap!?” At press time, Miller’s “trashy drag queen" voice was clearly just racist.

ResLife Just One Staffer Who Only Speaks Lies And One Who Always Tells The Truth | Sep 25 2020

Following multiple delays in housing assignments and reports of weeks-long email response times, a critically understaffed Office of Residential Life has been confirmed to have only two employees: one who only speaks lies and one who always tells the truth.

I Miss Going To Parties, Lies Student | Sep 25 2020

Lying through his teeth during a conversation over Zoom last week, sophomore Greyson Clark said he misses going to parties. “I can’t believe we won’t get to walk several blocks through the cold to stand in a stranger’s hot, overcrowded basement for half an hour every weekend,” Clark lied, quietly breathing a sigh of relief.

Brown To Pivot Towards Individualized 7,160-Semester System | Sep 25 2020

Citing the need to reduce the density of students on campus, a recent email from university president Christina Paxson outlined Brown’s plan for an individualized 7,160-semester system for the 2020-21 academic year. “By reducing the number of students on campus to one, we can recreate the on-campus student experience while adhering to all medical and public health guidelines,” read Paxson’s email.

The Nation Must Prioritize The Opening Of Indoor Trampoline Parks by The Kid You Babysit | Sep 25 2020

COVID-19 has disrupted the lives of all Americans, but has arguably affected no group as much as our nation’s children. And I should know: I am one of them. At an age where socializing is crucial to our development, the toll of this virus on my generation may have lifelong consequences.

Trust Me I Wish I Weren’t Spying On Your Boring Ass Either, by A Google Home | Sep 25 2020

So the word is out: Yes, us Google Homes, Amazon Alexas, and Apple whateverthefuck-pods are spying on you so that megacorporations can feed you targeted advertising. You caught us. Congratulations. Searching the web for Nancy Drew. I know you’re upset about this whole situation, but trust me, I wish I weren’t spying on your boring ass either.

Student Trying to Finish Essay Before Humanity’s Deadline | Apr 24 2020

Furiously typing away at her draft of a 10 page sociology midterm paper, Elizabeth Rawlins ’22 is struggling to finish her essay before humanity’s deadline. “This is a really important paper,” Rawlins said, repeatedly looking at her watch to check the remaining time before the end of the world.

Entire Class Complicit In Youtube Autoplay Starting New Video During Professor’s Presentation | Apr 24 2020

During Dr. Carol Bisset’s introductory Classics course this Monday, the entire 100 person class was complicit in Youtube’s autoplay function successfully beginning an ad for Jergen’s lotion during the professor’s presentation. “She clearly had no idea a new video was loading up as she tried to move on,” said student Jeremy Quinn ‘23 of the incident, which was the direct consequence of dozens of students’ cold inaction.

Late Bear Overhibernated | Apr 24 2020

Emerging from her Yellowstone den groggy and stressed, Mama Bear realized that she overhibernated and is late for an important bear meeting. “I told Papa Bear I’d meet him by Grizzly Creek by the end of winter,” roared Mama Bear as she frantically gathered her bear belongings and rushed her cubs outside of their winter cave.

Catholic Church Confirms Rosé God’s Gift To Trish | Apr 24 2020

In a surprise address at the Vatican yesterday, Pope Francis officially announced a new Church edict confirming that rosé is indeed God’s gift to Trish. “The one billion faithful Catholics worldwide all know that Trish Riddick, of Indiana University’s Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority chapter, loves rosé," said the infallible representative for the divine here on Earth.

POINT: Let’s Think Of It As A Staycation! by Your Mom. COUNTERPOINT: We're All Going To Fucking Die by Your Mom | Apr 24 2020

Point: Let’s Think Of It As A Staycation! By Your Mom I know that being stuck indoors is a bit of a bummeroo, but c’mon gang, it’s not so bad! Maybe there’s a silver lining to this whole kerfuffle. When was the last time we all got to spend this much time together? Ever since you kids went away to school, we haven’t had enough good ol’ family time! Your father and I have been working so hard, too, we hardly spend any time together anymore.

I Support Sunrise's Mission, But I Wish They'd Send Me More Emails | Apr 24 2020

Climate change is an existential threat facing humanity, in scope unlike anything we’ve seen before. This sober fact is undeniable. That’s why I believe a strong, diverse movement of young people advocating to end the corrupting influence of fossil fuel executives on our politics is critical.

Keep Calm And Avoid Homework, Cousin's T-shirt Commands | Mar 06 2020

Thousands of trembling citizens began fiercely meditating while shredding algebra worksheets and copies of Lord of the Flies this past Tuesday after a command to “Keep Calm and Avoid Homework” was issued by local cousin Nicky Campbell’s neon orange graphic tee.

Everyone In Gym Looking At You, Wondering Why You’re There | Mar 06 2020

Every single person in the Nelson Fitness Center yesterday, from staff to student athletes to casual exercisers, confirmed that they were in fact looking at you and wondering why you even made the effort to come to the gym. “It’s almost laughable.

Man At Petting Zoo Worried Goat Only Likes Him For His Pellets | Mar 06 2020

Feeling used as the alfalfa in his cupped hand was furiously devoured, petting zoo attendee Zach Mitchell became worried that Oreo, a pygmy goat, only liked him for his pellets. “I just can’t shake this feeling that Oreo doesn’t like me for me, you know?” lamented Mitchell as Oreo began nibbling on the t-shirt of another man in the wood-chipped pen.

Pediatrician Gives Parents Harrowing Prognosis In Looney Tunes Necktie | Mar 06 2020

According to witnesses at the Rhode Island Hospital’s pediatric wing, Dr. Gary Dougherty recently delivered a sobering prognosis while wearing a bright yellow Looney Tunes necktie. “I’m so incredibly sorry; I know that this is tough,” Dougherty said solemnly, steadily delivering the achingly terrible news as he tugged a bit on his necktie featuring Tweety Bird in a Santa hat.

Report: Jennifer Would | Mar 06 2020

Roommates of Jennifer Tilley ‘22 yesterday confirmed that Jennifer absolutely would. “After a thorough analysis of the data collected on Jennifer, not only can we confirm that Jennifer would, but our models show that that is such a Jennifer move,” reported Lacy Hargrove ‘22 on the research paper she co-authored entitled “Jennifer: Did You Hear About What She Did To Brandon?” “We know it may sound extreme, but we believe a scoffed declaration of ‘classic Jennifer’ would not be unjustified.” At press time, the research team is inquiring further into Jennifer in an effort to prove that she is literally the worst.

POINT: We Are All Made Of Stardust / COUNTERPOINT: Okay But Like, What Are We Relationship-Wise | Mar 06 2020

POINT: We Are All Made Of Stardust By Rachel Cook We are the stuff of stars, made of atoms which originated in supernovas farther away than anything we can imagine and bigger than a child’s biggest dream. Particles travelled light years through the dark of space to our little rock.

Theater Warmup Just Unbridled Id | Dec 06 2019

Beginning with a series of ape-like screeches and ending in a tearful circle, a theater warmup for the cast of Production Workshop’s December show was just a demonstration of the unrestrained, primal id. “We started by walking around the space while making eye contact to connect and noises to loosen the vowel-space,” actor Julie Graham ‘22 said of the exercise which serves as a psychological demonstration of what human beings are capable of should they be free of all social and moral conscience, motivated only by base desire.

FDA Double Dog Dares Nation To Eat The Silica Gel Packet | Dec 06 2019

In a press conference yesterday, the Food and Drug Administration formally double dog dared American consumers to eat the silica gel packet. “You know that weird little sack of beads you sometimes find in your crunchy snacks, new shoes, and pill bottles, marked with DO NOT EAT on the packet?” asked FDA commissioner Mark Whittaker with a grin, wide eyes, and a posse of fellow FDA board members loudly agreeing with him.

Co-Star Keeps Telling Guy To Light Fires | Dec 06 2019

As opposed to the vague aphorisms and universally applicable advice usually displayed daily on the Co-Star astrology app, area man Geoff Porter’s profile keeps telling him to light fires. “Whereas on my friends’ phone, the app says that they have power in thinking and creativity, mine just tells me that today is the perfect day to watch it all burn down,” said Porter, terrified of his capabilities to destroy.

Political Cartoonist Labeling Everything | Oct 25 2019

Writing the words “US constitution” and “fire” on a drawing of the US constitution on fire, political cartoonist Keith Buchanan added the final touches to his cartoon “Fat Cats of Wall Street” by labeling absolutely everything. “I just want to make sure my readers get the message,” said Buchanan, writing the word “ca$h” on large sacks of money held by the fat, dapper cats.

Listserv Apologizes For Its Existence With Every Email | Oct 25 2019

Subscribers of the Brown Screen Printing Club’s Listserv announced yesterday that every email takes the form of an apology for its own existence. “They started off well with their trademark ‘Hey Printies!!!’ opening line,” reported Jason Fine ‘23, who signed up for the club’s Listserv out of a genuine interest in screen printing.

Shakespeare On The Green To Reimagine The Tempest As Bad | Oct 25 2019

On Thursday, student performance group Shakespeare on the Green announced that, for their winter slot, they will produce The Tempest boldly reimagined as bad. “From last year’s production of Macbeth set in Weimar Germany, to our 2015 resetting of The Merry Wives of Windsor at a summer camp, we’re always looking for new and interesting takes on Shakespeare’s body of work,” stated Rebecca Olson ‘22, chair of Shakespeare on the Green.

Egyptology Professor’s Favorite Country Probably Egypt | Oct 25 2019

Students of Dr. Mary Howell’s hieroglyphics seminar have inferred that the renowned Egyptology professor’s favorite country is probably Egypt. “I mean I’m not 100 percent sure, but if I had to guess, I feel like Egypt would have to be in her top 5 favorite countries at least,” Bryan Reed ‘22 reported of Dr.

Only Thing Guy Adding To The Discourse The Word “Discourse” | Oct 25 2019

Despite the lengthiness and frequency of his comments, the only thing James Kessler ‘22 is adding to the discourse of his linguistic anthropology section is the word “discourse.” “I’d just like to push back on that if I can,” Kessler added both in response to and during a classmate’s point, launching into a comment that was a complete jumble of wordy nonsense save for the technically correct usage of the word “discourse.” “I just feel as though we need to properly consider the ways in which the discourse surrounding language contributes to the hegemonic structure of the symbolic marketplace of linguistic exchange.” At press time, Kessler has induced a liminal state between sleep and wakefulness among his peers by repeatedly using the word “liminal.”.

Thayer Getting Too Corporate, Reports BEO Concentrator Who Will One Day Bulldoze Yosemite | Oct 25 2019

After a walk on Thayer Street past the new Chase Bank and recently closed Tealuxe, Dan Silver, a BEO concentrator who will one day bulldoze Yosemite, reported that Thayer Street is getting too corporate. “I just feel like with the addition of all these chains, Thayer is losing what makes it so unique,” reported Silver, who, in a mere 20 years, will use the skills and connections he is currently developing in Brown’s BEO program to spearhead an initiative to raze one of the country’s oldest and largest national parks for private development.

UN Study On Climate Finds We Only Have One Night To Be Young, In Love, On Top Of World | Apr 19 2019

The world’s leading climate scientists have confirmed in a joint international study that, due to global climate change, we only have one night to be young, in love, and on top of the world. “We have been continuing down a path of dangerously high carbon emissions for far too long,” remarked Dr.

Wedding Mason Jar Themed | Dec 07 2018

In a charming and rustic display of love, local couple Jennifer and Gabe Larmore recently invited family and friends to celebrate their new life at a mason jar themed wedding. “I had seen so many beautiful wedding themes on Pinterest and at first I was torn over which one to choose,” said newlywed Jennifer Larmore, while eating wedding cake out of a tasteful glass jar.

Man Just Takes Out One AirPod To Deliver Eulogy | Dec 07 2018

Friends, family, and loved ones gathering at a memorial service for Jean Schwartzman report that Schwartzman’s nephew Brian Green is just taking off one AirPod to deliver his eulogy. “I know the music paused when he took out his left AirPod, which is a step in the right direction,” noted cousin Laurie Schwartzmann.

New Study Finds Dogs Understand Complex Array Of Human Emotions, Eat Own Shit | Oct 26 2018

A study published in the Journal of Behavioral Sociobiology has concluded that dogs are capable of recognizing, understanding, and responding to a wide variety of human emotions once thought to be solely recognizable by other people, and that they also like to eat their own shit.