Signaling what is for many the official arrival of spring on campus, Brown University’s Main Green has ripened into a delicious Main Orange. “There’s nothing better than meeting up with good friends at the Main Orange in April and slurping down the fruit by the handful,” said Lisa Gable ‘21 as piquant juice from the Main Orange dripped down her chin.
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences’ annual Oscar nominations made history in this strange year for cinema by celebrating a record amount of studio bribes.
“We’re proud to celebrate the diversity of Hollywood,” said Academy president David Rubin in a speech at the televised nomination ceremony.
Director of the California Department of Corrections Kathleen Allison has announced that the state’s prison system will offer the incarcerated a fabulous opportunity to gain real job exposure with an unpaid firefighting internship.
“In the past, we’ve been rightly criticized for using prison labor to fight our state’s worsening wildfires and paying a cruelly low wage of 18¢ per hour,” said Alison in a prepared statement last week.
Federal Hill, known as Providence’s “Little Italy,” boasts historic architecture, amazing Italian cuisine, and many great opportunities to view the teeny-tiny Italians. “People always have a great time when they come to Little Italy,” said Providence tourism councilwoman Marsha Pignoli as she presented a photo montage of the miniature Italians serving pizza on a coin.
A new Moscow-based feminist non-profit is gaining worldwide acclaim for taking bold steps to encourage more girls in STEM to commit acts of cyberterrorism.
“When I got first job at internet troll farm in bunker beneath Siberian tundra, I was disheartened to see I was only woman there,” said chairwoman Galina Petrov in a speech at a St.
Sources report that a category 5 tornado swerved cleanly around Casimir Pulaski Elementary School in Carbondale, Illinois when it encountered schoolchildren kneeling in a line. “As a school in the Midwest, we make sure to teach our kids tornado safety,” said principal Barbara Pocket in reference to the monthly tornado drills where the children kneel in the hallway for 10 minutes.
Folding her laundry while her phone charged in the other room, local woman Tammy Reese was haunted by her own mind after going ten minutes without listening to a podcast. “Get out of my head!” shouted Reese at her own inner monologue, a voice she has not heard in years.
In a major milestone in the fight against COVID-19, the FDA has approved the first vaccine composed of a shrunk-down middle school science class.
“After extensive clinical trials and thorough review, we have finally approved the first vaccine for COVID-19 which prevents viral infection by shrinking down a fifth grade science class to the size of a few nanometers and injecting them directly into a patient’s bloodstream,” announced FDA chairwoman Janet Woods at a press briefing yesterday.
On a gorgeous spring day on the Main Green last Friday, students ate their lunch on the Faunce steps like jungle creatures on the side of a long-abandoned Mesoamerican pyramid.
“It’s such a beautiful day to meet with a friend for lunch on the steps of Faunce!” said junior Margie Graham, sharing clementines with her friend as if they were primates feeding on the stone steps of a ruined Aztec pyramid.
Citing the tradition of students gathering on the Main Green to smoke marijuana on April 20th, University administrators are worried that 4/20 will lead to a drastic increase in positive vibes.
“We know that in years past, students have enjoyed gathering on 4/20 and getting higher than the Carrie Bell Tower," wrote vice president of campus life Eric Estes in an email to students.
Visiting the reliable cast of characters at the OMAC testing center two to three times a week, sophomore Brian Goldblatt is walking into the place like it’s the bar from the long-running NBC sitcom Cheers.
“Brian!” said all of the smiling workers at the testing center in unison as Goldblatt made his entrance into the OMAC.
According to other members of his prehistoric tribe of early hominids, Khork — a skilled hunter — really gives off major gatherer vibes. “It so hilarious! Cavepeople stay thinking Khork gatherer! Maybe it the pattern on Khork loincloth?” grunted Khork with a tone of voice that to other cavepeople totally makes it seem like he enjoys scavenging for seeds and nuts.
Hello there! Congratulations, boy-o, you’ve saved the 4th of July Parade! Your reward? A day in your honor, free milkshakes for life, and of course the highest honor of all: the key to the city!
Okay, great. Now that you have the key, will you please, please, please let me out of this box?
Because of your heroic actions that stopped that wicked bandit from stealing the wheels off of all the parade floats, our town had a magnificent, splendiferous celebration of Independence Day.
As long as there has been corn, it’s been opaque. Now, all over this maze in which I am currently lost, people are starting to see why that’s problematic. Here’s why we need corn that everyone can see through.
The Push for Transparent Corn, Explained.
Prioritizing content with increasingly extreme points of view, YouTube’s video recommendation algorithm is reportedly radicalizing local woman Lorraine Crandus into a militant yarn hobbyist.
“It started off innocuous enough — I was pleasantly surprised when she made me a winter hat,” said Lorraine’s concerned sister Deb, who feels like she’s losing a loved one to the growing online contingent of yarn-fueled extremists.
Gil Caribou, an actor in a Providence-based Shakespeare company, is excited to make the material feel modern by air-humping at all the sex lines.
“I’m really looking forward to making some bold choices this season,” said Caribou of his choice do some gross body movements whenever a character refers to sex.
On their annual southward migration last week, a flock of sick-as-hell geese were spotted flying in a Z, which is the coolest letter of the alphabet. “Sure, a Z is less aerodynamic than a V or even a lowercase L, but there’s no denying those geese looked effing rad,” said one onlooker who saw the baller geese.
According to the patrons of Roy’s Bistro in Cranston, the establishment recently labeled a takeout order of Cobb salad with an intricate series of cryptic runes decipherable only to high-ranking restaurant staff. “Look, we’re a very busy restaurant,” said owner Roy Gershberg, referencing the mysterious symbols that baffle those who pick up his all-American fare for takeout.
Instead of celebrating an important historical figure or holiday, yesterday’s Google Doodle clearly referenced some Google staffers’ lame inside joke. “I knew that the doodle wasn’t really for me as soon as I saw that the Os were supposed to be eggs, and there were arrows pointing to the Gs which read ‘Kelly’s slippery hands,‘” said one Google user, recalling that the doodle ended with beer bottles for the L and E.
Rummaging through his grandfather’s medicine cabinet during a game of hide and seek with his cousins, 8-year-old Ollie Park has discovered that his elderly grandpa’s pills are absolutely gigantic. “I knew I was going to find something crazy as soon as I opened the mirror door,” remarked Park as he opened the compartments of a weekly pill organizer with a mixture of morbid curiosity and perverse excitement.
A recent issue of the New Yorker drew controversy for its uniquely terrifying cartoon depicting a horrifying dystopia in which a bear goes to a psychiatrist’s office and says “Doc, I think I might be a bi-polar bear.”
“In the dark corners of my imagination, anything can happen,” cartoonist Carl Ghoulsby said of his sick, demented illustration which sent a wave of terror through the homes of the New Yorker’s readership.
Emerging from the transcendent experience with a newfound sense of clarity, Providence man Brett Reid’s recent brush with psilocybin mushrooms has completely altered his outlook on the texture of Fritos corn chips.
“You have to go into a trip for the right reasons, not just to have fun,” Reid said with newfound tranquility.
Imagining the loud, urgent beeps as a reversing ice cream truck, local asleep man Robbie Wick has seamlessly incorporated the sound of a smoke alarm into his dream. “Woohoo! Looks like it’s ice cream time everyone!” Wick said in his dream to a bizarre mix of coworkers, celebrities, and friends from high school at a barbeque he threw for his dog’s birthday.
“Pancake Skunk,” a strain of marijuana popular at many dispensaries in New England, is reportedly perfect for weed-smokers looking to kick back, relax, and have a chill, mellow panic attack.
“Pancake Skunk is one of my all time favorite strains,” said Benny Richman, a worker at the Worcester dispensary “Up In Smoke.” “It’s a total body high, Indica blend, perfect for putting on a good movie and struggling to catch your breath while you remember that you will die one day.”
Smokers of Pancake Skunk note that the strain has a pleasant fruity smell, makes food taste incredible, and is great for a night where all you want to do is lie in your bed fearing the arrival of the police without realizing you’ve been digging your fingernails into your leg.
According to breakfast-time sources, the word search on the back of a Honey Bunches of Oats cereal box is fucking embarrassingly easy. “Help us hungry bees find the hidden words!” says a stupid cartoon bee, referring to only like four barely hidden words that literally anyone with functioning eyes can find because none of them even go backwards. “This puzzle is honey bunches of fun!” The back of the box also features a maze that is so fucking easy it’ll make your head spin.
“She’s All Mine (Oh Yeah, Girl),” a song by influential rock group The Beatles is, in retrospect, really making an effort to stress that the woman in the song is just a little girl.
“I see her walking down the street (oh yeah) / She’s that little girl I’d like to meet,” begins the 1966 song which starts off okay before leaning a bit too heavily on the whole “little girl” thing.
In a press release yesterday, Disney CEO Bob Chapek confirmed fan theories that all Pixar movies take place in the same universe, however it is a universe where the Nazis were victorious in World War II.
“We are delighted to confirm that the talking automobiles in Cars and Remy, the rat with a dream to cook from Ratatouille, all reside in one magical world,” began Chapek.
In an historic win for America’s LGBTQ+ community, infamous domestic terrorist Ted Kaczynski, known as the Unabomber, was not gay.
“This is a huge moment for queer people everywhere,” said director of GLAAD Mara Cox in a teary-eyed public statement.
Mark Novak, a reader of McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, was seen laughing so hard he cried tears of joy after reading the humor piece “Bartleby The Scrivener Prefers Not To Social Distance.”
“I am a rather elderly man. The nature of my avocations for the last thirty years has brought me into more than ordinary contact with what would seem an interesting and somewhat singular set of men, of whom as yet nothing that I know of has ever been written:—I mean the law-copyists or scriveners.
Sources found that Ismachaiah, mentioned briefly in Genesis 31:6, was probably some shitty doofus because he barely begat any offspring. “And after he begat Cainan, Enos lived eight hundred and fifteen years and begat myriad sons and daughters,” begins the Bible’s recounting of the lineage of Noah before quickly glossing over that practically infertile dipshit Ismachiah.
Pedestrians on the corner of Hope and Arnold street in Fox Point have noted that a tree root is absolutely tearing into a section of sidewalk. “You’ve got to be careful when walking here or you might trip!” said pedestrian Debbie Peters as she walked over the completely demolished pavement which has been broken into a true fuckton of little cracked pieces by a brutal, take-no-names tree root.
In a recent address to a divided nation, President Biden threatened a return to the normal state of things.
“The events of the last four years do not demonstrate who we are as a nation; let’s get back to who we are,” Biden threatened with malicious grin while punching his fist into his open palm like a schoolyard bully taunting terrified kids at recess.
Sensually licking their lips at a UN press conference last week, a group of horned-up climatologists warned that Florida will soon be demolished by six feet of total hunk. “At this point it’s clear that if we don’t change our naughty ways, we might be powerless against 6 feet of sheer man-meat,” explained lusty climate scientist Dr.
Right now, we are in a moment of crisis. Divided we will fail, but united we can meet this moment and overcome. The sun is shining overhead. The air is crisp and clean. My Honda is only a few feet underground and it’s totally retrievable.
Friends, loved ones, Americans: now is the time for us all to come together and pull my car out of this sinkhole.
These past few weeks have been a wild one in the stock market. But if you’re not involved in finance, the whole situation might go a bit over your head. No worries! That’s why I’m here to dumb the whole thing down for your stupid peanut brain with some condescending metaphor about bananas or whatever.
POINT: A Renewed Interest In Pseudoscience Is Dangerously Eroding Shared Notions Of Truth by Dr. Lucy Keane
Pseudoscientific beliefs are on the rise across all demographics in this country, and with it comes the total collapse of our shared notions of truth.
Not doing his part to help protect himself and those in his village, irresponsible 12th century plague doctor Edmund Bradforde reportedly isn’t even wearing his insane beak mask. “I’m grateful f’r all his holp in leeching mine own blood and putting coins of silver on mine own body,” said infected woman Della Hanleye between bloody coughs.
Spending the evening alone in her apartment, Halloween over Zoom has been an extra bummer for Lacy Meyer, who went as the back of a two person horse costume. “I have since come to realize the gravity of my error,” said Meyer dressed as a pair of hind-legs and a tail, her costume making no sense divorced of its front-of-horse counterpart.
Feeling content with his lot at the East Side Clinical Laboratory in Lincoln, RI, a naturally curious lab rat reported that he just does it for the love of the maze. “You know some of my rodent buddies in this lab get real PO’d when we’re fed drugs that make us all loopy-like, or our reward is a raisin instead of a piece of cheese,” squeaked the lab rat with carefree air.
After placing about 100 plastic chairs around campus outdoor spaces in preparation for the influx of students this semester, the University’s COVID-19 task force has declared an end to the pandemic.
“We solved it!” began an email from Vice President Eric Estes with the subject line “All Gone!” “Who knew that all we had to do to protect students from the virus was put out some chairs? That way people will sit outside, where the virus isn’t!”
Sources close to Estes and President Christina Paxson report that they are expecting some sort of prize for their discovery of outside chairs, hopefully a Nobel, but a Medal of Freedom would be cool too.
After determining that the autumn weather is now cold enough to damage her perfect specimens, Brown Physiology Professor Dr. Josephine Clements has decided it’s time to send the boys who play Spikeball on the Main Green back to their winter cryogenic stasis tubes.
In an all-lowercase listserv email, Brown student theater group Production Workshop has officially cancelled their annual “Licking in the Upspace” event due to the ongoing pandemic.
“We are incredibly disappointed that we cannot invite the student body into the Upspace this Fall to engage with a sense of place," wrote PW communications director Michaela Price ‘21.
Point: This is Earth’s Hottest Year on Record, by The National Climate Data Center
2020 is shaping up to be the Earth’s hottest year on record.
The reason is simple, clear, and undeniable: this disaster is caused by man-made climate change.
This Fall, we face a truly historic decision. I’m sure you have all been following the news and need not hear it again from me, but it bears repeating: for the first time in the recent history of the Woodbury County Harvest Festival, we are opening up the judging for our annual giant pumpkin contest to you, the people.
Dobry Wiśniewski, 103, and Estera Symanski, 100, were only just married when the German invasion of Poland destroyed their village and separated the newlyweds. Thanks to modern technology, however, the couple has finally had a chance to reunite after more than 80 long years apart.
Stirring her third whiskey sour of the evening with a newly-purchased bar spoon, Grace Salgado has cleverly rebranded her new compulsion to drink alone at night as teaching herself mixology. “It’s really cool that I’m making a little space every day to pick up a new hobby in this crazy time,” said Salgado, slurring her words as she added a little bit of extra whiskey to the drink.
Feeling extraordinarily comfortable calling all of his female friends bitches, gay man Preston Miller’s playful misogyny is reportedly pretty much just misogyny. “Hey dumb whores!” said Preston to his three female roommates, assuming that being gay gave him license to espouse blatant sexism. “Yaaas queens your asses look delicious today. Who wants a slap!?” At press time, Miller’s “trashy drag queen" voice was clearly just racist.
Following multiple delays in housing assignments and reports of weeks-long email response times, a critically understaffed Office of Residential Life has been confirmed to have only two employees: one who only speaks lies and one who always tells the truth.
Lying through his teeth during a conversation over Zoom last week, sophomore Greyson Clark said he misses going to parties.
“I can’t believe we won’t get to walk several blocks through the cold to stand in a stranger’s hot, overcrowded basement for half an hour every weekend,” Clark lied, quietly breathing a sigh of relief.
Citing the need to reduce the density of students on campus, a recent email from university president Christina Paxson outlined Brown’s plan for an individualized 7,160-semester system for the 2020-21 academic year.
“By reducing the number of students on campus to one, we can recreate the on-campus student experience while adhering to all medical and public health guidelines,” read Paxson’s email.
COVID-19 has disrupted the lives of all Americans, but has arguably affected no group as much as our nation’s children. And I should know: I am one of them. At an age where socializing is crucial to our development, the toll of this virus on my generation may have lifelong consequences.
So the word is out: Yes, us Google Homes, Amazon Alexas, and Apple whateverthefuck-pods are spying on you so that megacorporations can feed you targeted advertising. You caught us. Congratulations. Searching the web for Nancy Drew.
I know you’re upset about this whole situation, but trust me, I wish I weren’t spying on your boring ass either.
Furiously typing away at her draft of a 10 page sociology midterm paper, Elizabeth Rawlins ’22 is struggling to finish her essay before humanity’s deadline.
“This is a really important paper,” Rawlins said, repeatedly looking at her watch to check the remaining time before the end of the world.
During Dr. Carol Bisset’s introductory Classics course this Monday, the entire 100 person class was complicit in Youtube’s autoplay function successfully beginning an ad for Jergen’s lotion during the professor’s presentation.
“She clearly had no idea a new video was loading up as she tried to move on,” said student Jeremy Quinn ‘23 of the incident, which was the direct consequence of dozens of students’ cold inaction.
Emerging from her Yellowstone den groggy and stressed, Mama Bear realized that she overhibernated and is late for an important bear meeting. “I told Papa Bear I’d meet him by Grizzly Creek by the end of winter,” roared Mama Bear as she frantically gathered her bear belongings and rushed her cubs outside of their winter cave.
In a surprise address at the Vatican yesterday, Pope Francis officially announced a new Church edict confirming that rosé is indeed God’s gift to Trish. “The one billion faithful Catholics worldwide all know that Trish Riddick, of Indiana University’s Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority chapter, loves rosé," said the infallible representative for the divine here on Earth.
Point: Let’s Think Of It As A Staycation!
By Your Mom
I know that being stuck indoors is a bit of a bummeroo, but c’mon gang, it’s not so bad!
Maybe there’s a silver lining to this whole kerfuffle. When was the last time we all got to spend this much time together? Ever since you kids went away to school, we haven’t had enough good ol’ family time! Your father and I have been working so hard, too, we hardly spend any time together anymore.
Climate change is an existential threat facing humanity, in scope unlike anything we’ve seen before. This sober fact is undeniable. That’s why I believe a strong, diverse movement of young people advocating to end the corrupting influence of fossil fuel executives on our politics is critical.
Thousands of trembling citizens began fiercely meditating while shredding algebra worksheets and copies of Lord of the Flies this past Tuesday after a command to “Keep Calm and Avoid Homework” was issued by local cousin Nicky Campbell’s neon orange graphic tee.
Every single person in the Nelson Fitness Center yesterday, from staff to student athletes to casual exercisers, confirmed that they were in fact looking at you and wondering why you even made the effort to come to the gym.
“It’s almost laughable.
Feeling used as the alfalfa in his cupped hand was furiously devoured, petting zoo attendee Zach Mitchell became worried that Oreo, a pygmy goat, only liked him for his pellets. “I just can’t shake this feeling that Oreo doesn’t like me for me, you know?” lamented Mitchell as Oreo began nibbling on the t-shirt of another man in the wood-chipped pen.
According to witnesses at the Rhode Island Hospital’s pediatric wing, Dr. Gary Dougherty recently delivered a sobering prognosis while wearing a bright yellow Looney Tunes necktie.
“I’m so incredibly sorry; I know that this is tough,” Dougherty said solemnly, steadily delivering the achingly terrible news as he tugged a bit on his necktie featuring Tweety Bird in a Santa hat.
Roommates of Jennifer Tilley ‘22 yesterday confirmed that Jennifer absolutely would. “After a thorough analysis of the data collected on Jennifer, not only can we confirm that Jennifer would, but our models show that that is such a Jennifer move,” reported Lacy Hargrove ‘22 on the research paper she co-authored entitled “Jennifer: Did You Hear About What She Did To Brandon?” “We know it may sound extreme, but we believe a scoffed declaration of ‘classic Jennifer’ would not be unjustified.” At press time, the research team is inquiring further into Jennifer in an effort to prove that she is literally the worst.
POINT: We Are All Made Of Stardust
By Rachel Cook
We are the stuff of stars, made of atoms which originated in supernovas farther away than anything we can imagine and bigger than a child’s biggest dream. Particles travelled light years through the dark of space to our little rock.
Beginning with a series of ape-like screeches and ending in a tearful circle, a theater warmup for the cast of Production Workshop’s December show was just a demonstration of the unrestrained, primal id.
“We started by walking around the space while making eye contact to connect and noises to loosen the vowel-space,” actor Julie Graham ‘22 said of the exercise which serves as a psychological demonstration of what human beings are capable of should they be free of all social and moral conscience, motivated only by base desire.
In a press conference yesterday, the Food and Drug Administration formally double dog dared American consumers to eat the silica gel packet. “You know that weird little sack of beads you sometimes find in your crunchy snacks, new shoes, and pill bottles, marked with DO NOT EAT on the packet?” asked FDA commissioner Mark Whittaker with a grin, wide eyes, and a posse of fellow FDA board members loudly agreeing with him.
As opposed to the vague aphorisms and universally applicable advice usually displayed daily on the Co-Star astrology app, area man Geoff Porter’s profile keeps telling him to light fires. “Whereas on my friends’ phone, the app says that they have power in thinking and creativity, mine just tells me that today is the perfect day to watch it all burn down,” said Porter, terrified of his capabilities to destroy.
Writing the words “US constitution” and “fire” on a drawing of the US constitution on fire, political cartoonist Keith Buchanan added the final touches to his cartoon “Fat Cats of Wall Street” by labeling absolutely everything. “I just want to make sure my readers get the message,” said Buchanan, writing the word “ca$h” on large sacks of money held by the fat, dapper cats.
Subscribers of the Brown Screen Printing Club’s Listserv announced yesterday that every email takes the form of an apology for its own existence.
“They started off well with their trademark ‘Hey Printies!!!’ opening line,” reported Jason Fine ‘23, who signed up for the club’s Listserv out of a genuine interest in screen printing.
On Thursday, student performance group Shakespeare on the Green announced that, for their winter slot, they will produce The Tempest boldly reimagined as bad.
“From last year’s production of Macbeth set in Weimar Germany, to our 2015 resetting of The Merry Wives of Windsor at a summer camp, we’re always looking for new and interesting takes on Shakespeare’s body of work,” stated Rebecca Olson ‘22, chair of Shakespeare on the Green.
Students of Dr. Mary Howell’s hieroglyphics seminar have inferred that the renowned Egyptology professor’s favorite country is probably Egypt. “I mean I’m not 100 percent sure, but if I had to guess, I feel like Egypt would have to be in her top 5 favorite countries at least,” Bryan Reed ‘22 reported of Dr.
Despite the lengthiness and frequency of his comments, the only thing James Kessler ‘22 is adding to the discourse of his linguistic anthropology section is the word “discourse.” “I’d just like to push back on that if I can,” Kessler added both in response to and during a classmate’s point, launching into a comment that was a complete jumble of wordy nonsense save for the technically correct usage of the word “discourse.” “I just feel as though we need to properly consider the ways in which the discourse surrounding language contributes to the hegemonic structure of the symbolic marketplace of linguistic exchange.” At press time, Kessler has induced a liminal state between sleep and wakefulness among his peers by repeatedly using the word “liminal.”.
After a walk on Thayer Street past the new Chase Bank and recently closed Tealuxe, Dan Silver, a BEO concentrator who will one day bulldoze Yosemite, reported that Thayer Street is getting too corporate.
“I just feel like with the addition of all these chains, Thayer is losing what makes it so unique,” reported Silver, who, in a mere 20 years, will use the skills and connections he is currently developing in Brown’s BEO program to spearhead an initiative to raze one of the country’s oldest and largest national parks for private development.
The world’s leading climate scientists have confirmed in a joint international study that, due to global climate change, we only have one night to be young, in love, and on top of the world.
“We have been continuing down a path of dangerously high carbon emissions for far too long,” remarked Dr.
In a charming and rustic display of love, local couple Jennifer and Gabe Larmore recently invited family and friends to celebrate their new life at a mason jar themed wedding. “I had seen so many beautiful wedding themes on Pinterest and at first I was torn over which one to choose,” said newlywed Jennifer Larmore, while eating wedding cake out of a tasteful glass jar.
Friends, family, and loved ones gathering at a memorial service for Jean Schwartzman report that Schwartzman’s nephew Brian Green is just taking off one AirPod to deliver his eulogy. “I know the music paused when he took out his left AirPod, which is a step in the right direction,” noted cousin Laurie Schwartzmann.
A study published in the Journal of Behavioral Sociobiology has concluded that dogs are capable of recognizing, understanding, and responding to a wide variety of human emotions once thought to be solely recognizable by other people, and that they also like to eat their own shit.