Unfortunately, I have to atone for all of humanity’s sins tonight by shedding my blood on the cross and dying in an extremely painful and public execution, so I don’t think I’ll be able to stop by your little shindig :( I really wish that I could make it, but there are just so many sins that I have to atone for. It’s not like some of the sins, you know? It’s like all of the sins that ever happened and ever will happen. Since I’m the only Redeemer — the only Lamb of God, the only Messiah, you get it — I really can’t take a night off to play beer pong in a crowded basement.

I tried rescheduling with Pontius, but he’s just such a stickler when it comes to executing public threats to the temple, so I really won’t be able to make it tonight. I know that I usually turn water into wine for you guys, but you should be able to use your fake ID to score some cheap beer in the area. (Don’t worry, my Dad will let it slide. Just throw down some Our Fathers tomorrow morning.)

Anyway, I’m super bummed that I’ll have to miss out on all the fun so that I can bear the penalty for humanity’s sins, but that’s just the way it goes sometimes. Even though I can’t make it tonight, I’d still love to hang out with you guys soon. We could also invite Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John if you’re down. Judas and Peter have been kinda flaky lately, but I guess they could come too.

I’m going to be holed up for the next three days, but once my body and soul have ascended, and I’m seated at the right hand of God on his divine throne, I can totally pop back down from Heaven to hang, as long as it’s not on the cross again. Just shoot me a text or prayer whenever you’re free!

Okay, you guys have fun tonight! Again, I’m super sad that I won’t be able to make it because I’ll be nailed to a crucifix, restoring humanity’s relationship with the Lord God Almighty, but I’m sure it’ll still be a Good Friday!