“What the media calls a ‘pandemic’, such as COVID-19, is no more than a symptom of our fractured electoral system, which is the real pandemic,” Kellogg explained, reiterating for the hundredth time that day how electoral politics present a far greater existential threat than a simple airborne pathogen. “We need to flatten the curve between the left and the right – otherwise there’s no way to stop this thing.”

“The intense polarization between America’s two major political parties is more than a structural inefficiency – it’s a disease,” Kellogg added, pointing out the inefficacy of traditional pandemic-prevention measures, such as masks and vaccines, against a virus that is purely ideological. “Democratic voters won’t even talk to Republican voters anymore, and vice versa – and if that’s not social distancing, I don’t know what is.”

At press time, Kellogg stated that “the real climate crisis” is the partisan climate created by the mainstream media and its influence on honest political discourse.