Spencer's articles
According to sophomore Taylor McDougall, the 20-page reading assignment for her history class is actually 40 pages because each page is really just two smaller pages on one page.
“I looked at Canvas to see what homework I had for class tomorrow, and thought ‘oh, 20 pages isn’t that bad’,” McDougall explained, dismayed to find that each page was really a horizontal page with two vertical pages of reading printed next to each other on it.
According to trusted sources, the anonymous STD notification junior Ty Horton just received could realistically only be from like one or two people.
“‘A sexual partner has recently tested positive for an STD and is notifying you via anonymous message.
According to sources, that guy Eddie Wilde with those artsy designs painted on his jeans is definitely only going to play original songs during sex.
“I made a little playlist for us to listen to tonight, and features a bunch of songs that I wrote and recorded myself,” Wilde told his hookup, as she looked around his room to see several posters of Wilde playing guitar while wearing his jeans with painted designs on them.
According to their latest poll, Brown Opinion Project wants to know how you would rank the number three on a scale of one to ten.
“Fill out your name, grade, gender, and political leanings so we can accurately map the demographic opinions of the number three on a scale of one to ten,” stated Brown Opinion Project reporter Kennedy Huff to a crowd of passersby on the Main Green who had never considered how they would rank one number versus another.
According to local Providence public transportation rider Jared Klein, the RIPTA is rippin’, baby!
“Ooh-wee! The RIPTA’s rippin’, baby!” exclaimed Klein, as his RIPTA bus sped along the highway significantly above the state-mandated speed limit.
According to your IAPA friend Nate Kellogg, electoral politics are the real pandemic our nation is facing today.
“What the media calls a ‘pandemic’, such as COVID-19, is no more than a symptom of our fractured electoral system, which is the real pandemic,” Kellogg explained, reiterating for the hundredth time that day how electoral politics present a far greater existential threat than a simple airborne pathogen.
According to sources, Dr. Fred Garwood matter-of-factly stated your blood pressure is 114/78, despite you having no idea what the fuck that means.
“Your blood pressure is 114/78,” Dr. Garwood casually told you, unaware this conveyed absolutely no information whatsoever to you regarding your health.
I don’t want a lot for Christmas. In fact, there’s just one thing I need. This year, I’m actually hoping I get some coal in my stocking, after I lost my job to that goddamn new wind farm.
My family’s been minin’ in Wesleyville, West Virginia, for six generations.
According to sources at the Nelson Fitness Center, big strong gym bro Lance Walters is no match for that big metal bar with other big pieces of metal at the ends. “With a build like that, you’d think he’d kick that metal bar’s ass,” reported sophomore Harry Friedman, watching in awe as Walters struggled to push the big metal rod off of his chest and needed his buddy to come hold the metal too.
You know what they say—teamwork makes the dream work. Together we stand, divided we fall. Many hands make light work. Those all may be true. But let’s get it straight—while there is no “I” in Team, there is a “T.”
Let’s be clear—I love my team.
According to sources, the biker gang driving down Thayer is actually going somewhere really important.
“God, they’re so fucking loud and annoying,” complained sophomore Pete DeLuca, unaware that the leather-clad motorcyclist driving past was actually rushing to the hospital to see his dying mother one last time.
Returning to College Hill after spending last semester studying abroad in Spain, senior Katie Hanes is woefully unprepared to re-embrace the American Dream.
“I’m so grateful I had the opportunity to live in Spain for four months,” Hanes reminisced, completely forgetting that America is the land of opportunity.
According to local movie buff Alex Farrington, the film he just watched is a cinematic masterpiece because nobody can really understand its plot, central themes, or characters.
“Wow. What an incredible film!” Farrington exclaimed as he left the theater with no idea what had actually happened during the movie.
Taking off his skates for what may be the last time, 34-year-old Brown Men’s Hockey forward Matt D’Alessandro announces that he’s finally ready to graduate.
“It’s been an absolute blessing playing with these guys and representing Brown on the ice for the last fourteen years,” D’Alessandro said, not acknowledging that he was really graduating because he was out of his athletic prime.
New research suggests that local farmer, Pat Gershon, still isn’t really sure how big an acre is.
“My family’s been farming on this Rhode Island land for five generations, and we still use the same measurements,” Gershon said, surveying his fields without any real comprehension of the units of distance which comprise them.
Walking through a sea of hard hats and backhoes on her way to class, sophomore Amy Bainbridge was surprised to find that shit, there’s construction on THIS side of Thayer Street too.
“I pass by the Thayer construction every day on my walk to class, and I have to cross the street to walk on the other sidewalk,” Bainbridge explained, noting the large metal barriers now blocking both sides of the sidewalk.
Reports from local mother Cecily Latham suggest her new air fryer is clearly not up to the task of cooking a coq au vin for her family of four.
“I thought by using my air fryer to cook meals for my family, I could reduce my time spent in the kitchen,” Latham explained, desperately trying to force four servings worth of chicken into the air fryer’s flimsy, six-inch plastic basket.
According to a recent survey of on-campus publications, The Brown Daily Herald is not really all that “heralded.”
“Back in the day, a herald was an important messenger who brought news from far and wide to thousands of people,” said sophomore Miles Ellis, staring at an untouched stack of BDH papers from last week.
According to a report from junior Freddie Tang, the interviewer for his upcoming internship looked way different than his LinkedIn profile picture.
“In his picture, he looked young and charming, he had this kind looking smile,” Tang lamented, neglecting to realize that the picture was clearly taken in the 1970’s.
According to sources, that social outcast freak Jason is actually just a part of a different friend group.
“Jason is so weird. Like no one in my friend group even knows him,” said first-year Gina Taylor, without considering that Jason actually had his own distinct social circle.
Sources report that area man Simon Byrne is feeling like a sex machine after putting on his roommate Jeff ’s cologne. “Man, I feel like I’m exuding pheromones right now!” Byrne declared after spraying some of Jeff’s Chanel Eau d’Homme on every surface of his body.
According to squinting sources, sophomore Barry Fenton’s fake ID looks super real except for the name, age, address, photo, and texture. “It’s almost perfect,” Fenton said proudly, trying his very best to look the part of a 26-year-old named Broderich Plumlet-Manterfield.
According to witnesses on campus yesterday, some students tossing around a frisbee on the Main Green are embarrassingly bad at frisbee.
“It’s pretty obvious that those kids have never thrown a frisbee in their life,” said junior Kira Lowry, quickly ducking to avoid a rogue frisbee spinning inches away from her forehead.
Babe, I think we should talk. You know, these last few months have been some of the best of my life. I’ve enjoyed our nightly FaceTime calls, our weekend trips to the city, and even meeting your parents at that extremely awkward dinner at Olive Garden.
According to sources at Baja's Taqueria on Thayer street, area man Logan Pickett is just dying to use a heavy Spanish accent when ordering pico de gallo. “You can tell he’s just itching to overdo it,” said Pickett’s friend John Sugden, as Pickett squirmed anxiously watching his burrito being prepared. “This happens every time we get Mexican food.” At press time, Pickett was overheard pronouncing Barcelona with a “th.”
According to dining hall sources, the Ratty drink machine is out of absolutely everything except Sugar-Free Diet Lemon-Lime Coke Zero.
“I went over to the drink machine to get a Sprite only to find that it was completely out of Sprite, and the only thing they had was Sugar-Free Diet Lemon-Lime Coke Zero,” said sophomore Bradley Burton, pressing frantically on the grayed out icons of every notable soda brand.
Sources report that local waiter, Derek Jennings, is wondering if you’re still working on that.
“How’s it going over here?” Jennings asked, eagerly eyeing a patron’s half-eaten dinner. “Let me know when you’re done and I’ll get that plate right out of your way.”
“Is there anything else I can get for you?” Jennings asked, stretching his entire arm over the table to top off the water glasses.
According to local teenager Tyler Frasier, his dad Bill won’t stop calling weed “pot.”
“You know, I used to smoke a little pot back in the day,” Bill Frasier said, fondly recalling the slang he used in his youth. “My buddies and I were always down for a bit of grass.”
These comments came in the wake of a recent investigation into Tyler’s sock drawer, where Tyler’s dad reportedly found “a dime-bag of pot and a couple of spliffs,” according to sources.
According to area woman Kathy Parsons, local medical practitioner Peter Alden wants to know if her abdomen hurts as he violently jabs it with his finger.
“Any pain over here?” asked Dr. Alden as he applied brutal pokes with his outstretched index finger to Parsons’ stomach.
In a new effort to reduce waste, Brown Dining Services has begun requesting that students hold out their hands like a medieval peasant when receiving food from University dining halls.
“Due to Brown University’s steadfast commitment to sustainability, we are implementing a medieval-peasant serving policy at our dining halls,” Provost Richard Locke wrote in an email to the student body last Wednesday.
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