Spencer's articles
According to sources, that social outcast freak Jason is actually just a part of a different friend group.
“Jason is so weird. Like no one in my friend group even knows him,” said first-year Gina Taylor, without considering that Jason actually had his own distinct social circle.
Sources report that area man Simon Byrne is feeling like a sex machine after putting on his roommate Jeff ’s cologne. “Man, I feel like I’m exuding pheromones right now!” Byrne declared after spraying some of Jeff’s Chanel Eau d’Homme on every surface of his body.
According to squinting sources, sophomore Barry Fenton’s fake ID looks super real except for the name, age, address, photo, and texture. “It’s almost perfect,” Fenton said proudly, trying his very best to look the part of a 26-year-old named Broderich Plumlet-Manterfield.
According to witnesses on campus yesterday, some students tossing around a frisbee on the Main Green are embarrassingly bad at frisbee.
“It’s pretty obvious that those kids have never thrown a frisbee in their life,” said junior Kira Lowry, quickly ducking to avoid a rogue frisbee spinning inches away from her forehead.
Babe, I think we should talk. You know, these last few months have been some of the best of my life. I’ve enjoyed our nightly FaceTime calls, our weekend trips to the city, and even meeting your parents at that extremely awkward dinner at Olive Garden.
According to sources at Baja's Taqueria on Thayer street, area man Logan Pickett is just dying to use a heavy Spanish accent when ordering pico de gallo. “You can tell he’s just itching to overdo it,” said Pickett’s friend John Sugden, as Pickett squirmed anxiously watching his burrito being prepared. “This happens every time we get Mexican food.” At press time, Pickett was overheard pronouncing Barcelona with a “th.”
According to dining hall sources, the Ratty drink machine is out of absolutely everything except Sugar-Free Diet Lemon-Lime Coke Zero.
“I went over to the drink machine to get a Sprite only to find that it was completely out of Sprite, and the only thing they had was Sugar-Free Diet Lemon-Lime Coke Zero,” said sophomore Bradley Burton, pressing frantically on the grayed out icons of every notable soda brand.
Sources report that local waiter, Derek Jennings, is wondering if you’re still working on that.
“How’s it going over here?” Jennings asked, eagerly eyeing a patron’s half-eaten dinner. “Let me know when you’re done and I’ll get that plate right out of your way.”
“Is there anything else I can get for you?” Jennings asked, stretching his entire arm over the table to top off the water glasses.
According to local teenager Tyler Frasier, his dad Bill won’t stop calling weed “pot.”
“You know, I used to smoke a little pot back in the day,” Bill Frasier said, fondly recalling the slang he used in his youth. “My buddies and I were always down for a bit of grass.”
These comments came in the wake of a recent investigation into Tyler’s sock drawer, where Tyler’s dad reportedly found “a dime-bag of pot and a couple of spliffs,” according to sources.
According to area woman Kathy Parsons, local medical practitioner Peter Alden wants to know if her abdomen hurts as he violently jabs it with his finger.
“Any pain over here?” asked Dr. Alden as he applied brutal pokes with his outstretched index finger to Parsons’ stomach.
In a new effort to reduce waste, Brown Dining Services has begun requesting that students hold out their hands like a medieval peasant when receiving food from University dining halls.
“Due to Brown University’s steadfast commitment to sustainability, we are implementing a medieval-peasant serving policy at our dining halls,” Provost Richard Locke wrote in an email to the student body last Wednesday.
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