According to sources, the biker gang driving down Thayer is actually going somewhere really important.
“God, they’re so fucking loud and annoying,” complained sophomore Pete DeLuca, unaware that the leather-clad motorcyclist driving past was actually rushing to the hospital to see his dying mother one last time.
Taking off his skates for what may be the last time, 34-year-old Brown Men’s Hockey forward Matt D’Alessandro announces that he’s finally ready to graduate.
“It’s been an absolute blessing playing with these guys and representing Brown on the ice for the last fourteen years,” D’Alessandro said, not acknowledging that he was really graduating because he was out of his athletic prime.
New research suggests that local farmer, Pat Gershon, still isn’t really sure how big an acre is.
“My family’s been farming on this Rhode Island land for five generations, and we still use the same measurements,” Gershon said, surveying his fields without any real comprehension of the units of distance which comprise them.
Walking through a sea of hard hats and backhoes on her way to class, sophomore Amy Bainbridge was surprised to find that shit, there’s construction on THIS side of Thayer Street too.
“I pass by the Thayer construction every day on my walk to class, and I have to cross the street to walk on the other sidewalk,” Bainbridge explained, noting the large metal barriers now blocking both sides of the sidewalk.
Reports from local mother Cecily Latham suggest her new air fryer is clearly not up to the task of cooking a coq au vin for her family of four.
“I thought by using my air fryer to cook meals for my family, I could reduce my time spent in the kitchen,” Latham explained, desperately trying to force four servings worth of chicken into the air fryer’s flimsy, six-inch plastic basket.
According to a recent survey of on-campus publications, The Brown Daily Herald is not really all that “heralded.”
“Back in the day, a herald was an important messenger who brought news from far and wide to thousands of people,” said sophomore Miles Ellis, staring at an untouched stack of BDH papers from last week.
According to a report from junior Freddie Tang, the interviewer for his upcoming internship looked way different than his LinkedIn profile picture.
“In his picture, he looked young and charming, he had this kind looking smile,” Tang lamented, neglecting to realize that the picture was clearly taken in the 1970’s.
According to sources, that social outcast freak Jason is actually just a part of a different friend group.
“Jason is so weird. Like no one in my friend group even knows him,” said first-year Gina Taylor, without considering that Jason actually had his own distinct social circle.
Sources report that area man Simon Byrne is feeling like a sex machine after putting on his roommate Jeff ’s cologne. “Man, I feel like I’m exuding pheromones right now!” Byrne declared after spraying some of Jeff’s Chanel Eau d’Homme on every surface of his body.
According to squinting sources, sophomore Barry Fenton’s fake ID looks super real except for the name, age, address, photo, and texture. “It’s almost perfect,” Fenton said proudly, trying his very best to look the part of a 26-year-old named Broderich Plumlet-Manterfield.
According to witnesses on campus yesterday, some students tossing around a frisbee on the Main Green are embarrassingly bad at frisbee.
“It’s pretty obvious that those kids have never thrown a frisbee in their life,” said junior Kira Lowry, quickly ducking to avoid a rogue frisbee spinning inches away from her forehead.
Babe, I think we should talk. You know, these last few months have been some of the best of my life. I’ve enjoyed our nightly FaceTime calls, our weekend trips to the city, and even meeting your parents at that extremely awkward dinner at Olive Garden.
According to sources at Baja's Taqueria on Thayer street, area man Logan Pickett is just dying to use a heavy Spanish accent when ordering pico de gallo. “You can tell he’s just itching to overdo it,” said Pickett’s friend John Sugden, as Pickett squirmed anxiously watching his burrito being prepared. “This happens every time we get Mexican food.” At press time, Pickett was overheard pronouncing Barcelona with a “th.”
According to dining hall sources, the Ratty drink machine is out of absolutely everything except Sugar-Free Diet Lemon-Lime Coke Zero.
“I went over to the drink machine to get a Sprite only to find that it was completely out of Sprite, and the only thing they had was Sugar-Free Diet Lemon-Lime Coke Zero,” said sophomore Bradley Burton, pressing frantically on the grayed out icons of every notable soda brand.
Sources report that local waiter, Derek Jennings, is wondering if you’re still working on that.
“How’s it going over here?” Jennings asked, eagerly eyeing a patron’s half-eaten dinner. “Let me know when you’re done and I’ll get that plate right out of your way.”
“Is there anything else I can get for you?” Jennings asked, stretching his entire arm over the table to top off the water glasses.
According to local teenager Tyler Frasier, his dad Bill won’t stop calling weed “pot.”
“You know, I used to smoke a little pot back in the day,” Bill Frasier said, fondly recalling the slang he used in his youth. “My buddies and I were always down for a bit of grass.”
These comments came in the wake of a recent investigation into Tyler’s sock drawer, where Tyler’s dad reportedly found “a dime-bag of pot and a couple of spliffs,” according to sources.
According to area woman Kathy Parsons, local medical practitioner Peter Alden wants to know if her abdomen hurts as he violently jabs it with his finger.
“Any pain over here?” asked Dr. Alden as he applied brutal pokes with his outstretched index finger to Parsons’ stomach.
In a new effort to reduce waste, Brown Dining Services has begun requesting that students hold out their hands like a medieval peasant when receiving food from University dining halls.
“Due to Brown University’s steadfast commitment to sustainability, we are implementing a medieval-peasant serving policy at our dining halls,” Provost Richard Locke wrote in an email to the student body last Wednesday.