What’s your badge number? You’re right. Trick question—people that aren’t cops don’t have badge numbers. You’re a clever one. I have to watch out for you. What’s your precinct? Ah-ha! How did you know that only cops have precincts? How did I know? Whoa—don’t try to turn this around on me. I’m not the one on trial here.

So I guess what I’m trying to say here—or ask, rather—is: are you a cop? Excuse me, let me rephrase. Are you a police officer? What is it cops are calling themselves these days? Trooper? Lawman? Jeff—are you guys all going by Jeff all of sudden? I bet you guys thought you’d pulled a fast one. What is it? Tell me.

Alright. The way you just handcuffed me right there. That was a total cop move. And right there! It is so like a cop to say that you’re taking me down to the station. So if you’re not a cop, where did you get this patrol car? If you’re not a cop, why are you reading me my rights? I know I have the right to remain silent and to speak to an attorney. The question becomes: how did you? Do I understand these rights as they’ve been read to me? Almost certainly. I like you. You’re a sketchy motherfucker, but I like you.