Yeah, that’s right, CCB is hosting another fucking event. It’s probably called CCBubbles & Brownies or some shit like that. We’re gonna hand out baked goods that we scavenged from the Ratty three days ago, along with some gluten-free Oreos and Senior Week merchandise from several years prior. Supplies will run out after 15 minutes. It will be hosted in the ugliest goddamn room inside the ugliest goddamn building on campus. And it’s gonna be a great fucking time, assholes.

I know, I know—your Exeter-educated ass is devastated to find out that Ivy League schools don’t have infinite money to support your burgeoning alcoholism on a nightly basis. Tough shit. Instead, you apathetic fuckbitches are stuck with CCB, whose sole purpose is to convince you derelict asswipes that there’s more to life than securing a Lockheed Martin internship. Give us a chance, and maybe something deep in the murky ooze that you call a heart will realize there’s more to life than being a sentient dick-waffle.

I look forward to seeing you all at CCBubbles & Brownies. I will be keeping attendance. And if you dare besmirch my goodwill by no-showing, you will feel the full fucking wrath of Brown’s third most important branch of student government.