Jazz's articles
Local sources recently confirmed that these lame trick-or-treaters are totally disengaged from my shrimp facts.
“I just wanted candy, but he kept telling me boring stuff about shrimps’ reproductive cycles,” said pathetic child Denise Schmidt, foolishly expressing boredom about my fact that female shrimp can store the sperm of multiple males in order to fertilize their eggs at a later point in time.
According to sources at Brown University, the Class Coordinating Board has made significant strides in political reform in response to a climate of haha just kidding, it’s another ice cream social.
“CCB will not be absent from this important dialogue concerning recent campus events,” said CCB Senior President Jamie Chisholm before immediately bursting out laughing.
Recent studies have left scientists flummoxed regarding the variance in ideal conditions between crowdsurfing and actualsurfing.
“The results are truly flummoxing,” said Dr. Petra Vaughn, lead researcher at the globally-renowned Institute for Surf-Related Activities, who has been hornswoggled by this conundrum.
Local guy, Arnie Bolo, an employee of 18 years at the old cinderblock-eating factory, is starting to question his purpose.
“Every day, it’s the same routine: I get up, I get dressed, and I spend between 8 and 10 hours chewing through cinderblocks,” said Bolo, as a conveyor belt of cinderblocks slowly rolled past like the years passing him by.
Sources confirmed that Oscar, the local german shepherd known for holstering a bazooka in his eager maw, probably shouldn’t have that bazooka.
“In my experience, dogs and military-grade armaments are rarely a good mix,” said dog walker Blake Martin, as Oscar fired off an armor-penetrating shell from his bazooka that would surely reduce any nearby squirrel into a fine red mist.
Marine biologists reported that this barracuda they saw would be much sexier if it had a long pair of human legs, and also possibly boobs.
“One cannot overstate the heightened attractiveness of a fish that comes with a sleek, sophisticated set of human legs.
Sources at Brown University confirmed that notoriously hardcore History professor, Larry Merkin, refers to his pants as trousers.
“He’s operating in a whole different plane of authority,” said freshman Damien Bronson, quaking in his boots after Merkin announced students would submit next week’s ‘deliverables’ over ‘electronic mail,’ or via fax machine.
According to reports from the Donnelly household, 10-year-old daughter Kelsey’s birthday party better be a real rager to get Mom and Dad back together. “Today’s gonna be so awesome!” said Kelsey after returning home from a four-hour child custody hearing.
Sources at Brown University verified that Carl Jameson, candidate for President of the 2025 Class Coordinating Board, recently received a game-changing endorsement from his roommate.
“Huh? Oh yeah, Carl’s cool,” declared roommate Rafe Conroy in line at the Ratty, announcing his unmitigated support for Jameson’s agenda and his future political aspirations.
This Valentine’s Day, American mothers nationwide prepared to send heartfelt messages to lift the spirits of their pathetic, dateless children. “Roses are red, violets are blue, this Valentine’s Day, I sure do love you!” read a CVS-brand card from Theresa Smith that will soon be found in the mailbox of her lame virgin son, Daniel.
Sources attending Yale University’s 2024 Model UN conference confirmed that 10th grader Julian Osborne’s rhetorical prowess in the security council was severely undermined by an untimely voice crack.
“He was saying some really nuanced stuff about the sociopolitical status of Kashmir, but then he made this terrible squeaking sound,” said 11th grader Olivia Ricketts, delegate for Algeria, in the middle of a 5-minute unmoderated caucus.
Folks, we need to take it easy on horse girls. I’ve been hearing a lot of unfair things about them from my farm in Wyoming, where I roam with my horse brethren. It’s upsetting; sad little tears gallop down my long snout every time I think about it.
According to sources from your friend group, that friend that is the butt of every joke is also stupid. “He’s been the group’s punching bag since freshman year,” reported non-stupid friend Ellen Grabowski, neglecting to mention that your friend is also a hopeless dumb idiot.
Sources at Brown University confirmed that lowercase Q is kind of sexy. “I’m not saying that any of the letters are particularly attractive, but lowercase Q is the best of the bunch,” reported Alexander Lagace as a cold sweat trickled down his blushing face.
According to reports from the Weiss-Stewart household, the family’s Jewish father will be allowed to hang a singular dreidel ornament on the Christmas tree. “It’s great to include a slice of my upbringing in our family tradition,” said father Jeffrey Weiss-Stewart as he nestled a lone $3 dreidel ornament into the thick brambles of the family tree.
Sources at Brown University confirmed that the Junior Class Coordinating Board is holding an adorable little event in Alumnae Auditorium, where students donate their plasma and then don’t ask any more questions.
“It’s honestly the sweetest idea,” said Maria Delosi, as a CCB member cloaked in black robes bandaged her arm after the procedure.
After failing to make it past the first round of cuts at auditions for Providence High School’s improv comedy group, freshman Curtis Manderson cheered himself up with the sage reminder that Michael Jordan didn’t make his high school improv comedy team, either.
After careful review of your resume, CareerLAB Advisor Abigail Spoonworth has concluded that your skill set would be a great match for CareerLAB.
“I mean, your resume skills check all our boxes,” said Spoonworth, thoroughly impressed that you knew to lie about Microsoft Office proficiency on your resume.
According to sources, your pantaloons were utterly discombobulated after I yelled “Tallyho, scallywag!” and passed you on my penny-farthing bicycle.
“Who is that dapper rapscallion, and where did he procure such a frolicsome penny-farthing bicycle?” declared bystander Cornelius Snizzler, evidently bamboozled by my vast reservoirs of swagger and urbanity.
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