Jazz's articles
Sources from the White House recently confirmed that President Donald Trump has declared himself law after consuming his latest executive order.
“As our Founding Fathers—George, Thomas, Alexander, Doug—once said, any president that eats his own executive order becomes law of the land,” lied President Trump while using the Bill of Rights to wipe leftover crumbs from his face.
Sources from MIT’s School of Engineering recently confirmed that their lousily-constructed Rube Goldberg machine accomplishes its intended task with reasonable efficiency.
“Ideally, an over-designed machine like this would take several minutes to accomplish a mundane task,” said lead engineer Gregory Lyons as the Rube Goldberg machine cracked an egg into a frying pan through an intricate but exasperatingly efficient set of chain reactions.
Local sources were stunned to discover that cyclops monk Brontes Hephaetius successfully opened his second eye.
“I feel as though I have transformed,” said Hephaetius, whose extensive metaphysical odyssey came with the added bonus that he can now wear glasses.
Sources from your left index finger recently confirmed that the tiny guy inside your mood ring is currently feeling purple.
“What can I say? I guess I’m just feeling energized this morning,” said the diminutive fellow permanently domiciled within your bright purple mood ring.
In a thrilling innovation for alumni networking, Brown’s Office of Alumni Relations recently unveiled BrownConnect- as a service to help alums cut ties with their peers.
“Our previous service, BrownConnect+, fostered mentorship and relationship-building between alumni and students.
Sources from Brown University confirmed that Gilbert Vaughn ‘27 was spotted gnawing on a bendy straw like he was a famished goat munching cud. “I mean, look at him go,” said onlooker Shiela Jean-Smith ‘26 while Vaughn nibbled on the tip of his Hi-C juicebox’s bendy straw, methodically reducing it into a tattered mess of plastic that would look right at home among the partly digested vittles of a ruminant.
As teams prepare for the regular season, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred recently announced the debut of an “Ass Cam” to highlight brilliant players’ brilliant buttocks.
“Major League Baseball is constantly researching ways to improve the spectator experience.
Local mushroom hunter Chip Dunkirk was recently in dire straits after being caught in the woods without his trusty hunting rifle.
“How could I have been so careless?! I’ve been mushroom hunting for thirty years, and I’ve never been caught unarmed before,” whispered Dunkirk from behind a nearby tree to avoid being spotted by wild mushrooms.
Sources from the Narnwartz School of Wizarding confirmed that the forbidden Orb of Perpetual Despair is actually closer to an Oblate Spheroid of Moderate Ennui.
“This sucks. The Orb of Perpetual Despair was an integral part of my plan to inflict chaos and desolation upon the wizarding world,” lamented evil wizard Clarissa Sonju while caressing the spheroid along its deceptively flat circumference.
A heartwarming advertisement from Ruffles has gained recognition for its celebration of community, integrity, and Ruffles.
“It’s easy to be a cynic in this day and age, so we here at the Ruffles marketing department felt a responsibility to remind folks what matters most,” said PR representative Eileen Wilcox, who works for a fucking potato chip company.
According to reports from the Pew Research Center, that anxious-looking guy at your party should try drinking until he gets cool.
“Oftentimes, people with social anxiety can feel pressured to drink. That is a good thing,” said Dr. Francis Gray before shotgunning a can of Natty Lite and tossing it into the trash can from across the room.
A recent study from the Narnwartz School of Wizarding confirmed that the Potion of Ants performs the exact function that its name indicates.
“Yes, well, I suppose we should’ve seen this coming,” said Headmaster Tiberius Sprimble as the Potion of Ants did its thing.
According to a report published by MIT’s School of Engineering, shooting fish in a barrel becomes significantly harder if the fish are housed in a very large barrel.
“The term ‘shooting fish in a barrel’ is frequently invoked to describe a task as foolproof.
Dear Reader,
In these divisive times, we here at the Brown Daily Herald understand the importance of journalistic integrity. We are outraged by the state of mainstream media, which has eagerly kowtowed to the authority of oligarchs. We are perturbed by the way special interests have eroded impartial reporting.
Sources from Brown University confirmed that the newest brownie recipe authored by ChatGPT-4 recommended adding 3 milks, 6/5 eggs, and 8 pounds of ground beef.
“People might doubt it, but if this tech can pass the bar exam, it must know what it’s doing,” said Skylar Monroe ‘26 as he poured 12 cups of baking soda into a mixing bowl that was definitely designed to hold less than 12 cups of baking soda.
According to local sources, there is nothing quite as satisfying for a big hungry guy as a heaping bowl of smaller, less hungry guys.
“After a long day of busting my big tush at the ol’ 9 to 5, a guy like me gets famished!” said large man Greg Pinkle as he fetched a large bowl of punier, terrified men from the back of his very sizable pantry.
Sources at Brown University recently confirmed that an entire ball of yarn was almost certainly very slurpable, just like an extra lengthy spaghetti noodle.
“What, you mean you’ve never thought about it?” commented Monica Tirico ‘26 while delicately twirling yarn on a fork inside the Ratty.
According to sources from the magical land of Narnwartz, shitty mentor Aslan Candlewix taught his students everything he knew without even dying to launch their growth.
“Did he teach us the divine secrets of magic that will allow us to overcome any obstacle with the power of friendship? I guess.
Sources from Warren Alpert Medical School recently made a terrifying announcement: Ahhh! Hemorrhoids!
“Yikes!” said clinical director Dr. Tabitha Lorraine as she carefully studied a medical chart that showed evidence of swollen veins in the anus and rectum areas.
Sources from Brown’s Office of Alumni Relations confirmed that preparations are underway for the Brown Class of 2050’s big negative 25th anniversary ceremony.
“Events like these are a great reminder to the class of ‘50 that the connections you will make at Brown are going to be lifelong bonds,” said Quinn Newberg ‘25, future father of Riley Newberg ‘50.
Local sources recently confirmed that these lame trick-or-treaters are totally disengaged from my shrimp facts.
“I just wanted candy, but he kept telling me boring stuff about shrimps’ reproductive cycles,” said pathetic child Denise Schmidt, foolishly expressing boredom about my fact that female shrimp can store the sperm of multiple males in order to fertilize their eggs at a later point in time.
According to sources at Brown University, the Class Coordinating Board has made significant strides in political reform in response to a climate of haha just kidding, it’s another ice cream social.
“CCB will not be absent from this important dialogue concerning recent campus events,” said CCB Senior President Jamie Chisholm before immediately bursting out laughing.
Recent studies have left scientists flummoxed regarding the variance in ideal conditions between crowdsurfing and actualsurfing.
“The results are truly flummoxing,” said Dr. Petra Vaughn, lead researcher at the globally-renowned Institute for Surf-Related Activities, who has been hornswoggled by this conundrum.
Local guy, Arnie Bolo, an employee of 18 years at the old cinderblock-eating factory, is starting to question his purpose.
“Every day, it’s the same routine: I get up, I get dressed, and I spend between 8 and 10 hours chewing through cinderblocks,” said Bolo, as a conveyor belt of cinderblocks slowly rolled past like the years passing him by.
Sources confirmed that Oscar, the local german shepherd known for holstering a bazooka in his eager maw, probably shouldn’t have that bazooka.
“In my experience, dogs and military-grade armaments are rarely a good mix,” said dog walker Blake Martin, as Oscar fired off an armor-penetrating shell from his bazooka that would surely reduce any nearby squirrel into a fine red mist.
Marine biologists reported that this barracuda they saw would be much sexier if it had a long pair of human legs, and also possibly boobs.
“One cannot overstate the heightened attractiveness of a fish that comes with a sleek, sophisticated set of human legs.
Sources at Brown University confirmed that notoriously hardcore History professor, Larry Merkin, refers to his pants as trousers.
“He’s operating in a whole different plane of authority,” said freshman Damien Bronson, quaking in his boots after Merkin announced students would submit next week’s ‘deliverables’ over ‘electronic mail,’ or via fax machine.
According to reports from the Donnelly household, 10-year-old daughter Kelsey’s birthday party better be a real rager to get Mom and Dad back together. “Today’s gonna be so awesome!” said Kelsey after returning home from a four-hour child custody hearing.
Sources at Brown University verified that Carl Jameson, candidate for President of the 2025 Class Coordinating Board, recently received a game-changing endorsement from his roommate.
“Huh? Oh yeah, Carl’s cool,” declared roommate Rafe Conroy in line at the Ratty, announcing his unmitigated support for Jameson’s agenda and his future political aspirations.
This Valentine’s Day, American mothers nationwide prepared to send heartfelt messages to lift the spirits of their pathetic, dateless children. “Roses are red, violets are blue, this Valentine’s Day, I sure do love you!” read a CVS-brand card from Theresa Smith that will soon be found in the mailbox of her lame virgin son, Daniel.
Sources attending Yale University’s 2024 Model UN conference confirmed that 10th grader Julian Osborne’s rhetorical prowess in the security council was severely undermined by an untimely voice crack.
“He was saying some really nuanced stuff about the sociopolitical status of Kashmir, but then he made this terrible squeaking sound,” said 11th grader Olivia Ricketts, delegate for Algeria, in the middle of a 5-minute unmoderated caucus.
Folks, we need to take it easy on horse girls. I’ve been hearing a lot of unfair things about them from my farm in Wyoming, where I roam with my horse brethren. It’s upsetting; sad little tears gallop down my long snout every time I think about it.
According to sources from your friend group, that friend that is the butt of every joke is also stupid. “He’s been the group’s punching bag since freshman year,” reported non-stupid friend Ellen Grabowski, neglecting to mention that your friend is also a hopeless dumb idiot.
Sources at Brown University confirmed that lowercase Q is kind of sexy. “I’m not saying that any of the letters are particularly attractive, but lowercase Q is the best of the bunch,” reported Alexander Lagace as a cold sweat trickled down his blushing face.
According to reports from the Weiss-Stewart household, the family’s Jewish father will be allowed to hang a singular dreidel ornament on the Christmas tree. “It’s great to include a slice of my upbringing in our family tradition,” said father Jeffrey Weiss-Stewart as he nestled a lone $3 dreidel ornament into the thick brambles of the family tree.
Sources at Brown University confirmed that the Junior Class Coordinating Board is holding an adorable little event in Alumnae Auditorium, where students donate their plasma and then don’t ask any more questions.
“It’s honestly the sweetest idea,” said Maria Delosi, as a CCB member cloaked in black robes bandaged her arm after the procedure.
After failing to make it past the first round of cuts at auditions for Providence High School’s improv comedy group, freshman Curtis Manderson cheered himself up with the sage reminder that Michael Jordan didn’t make his high school improv comedy team, either.
After careful review of your resume, CareerLAB Advisor Abigail Spoonworth has concluded that your skill set would be a great match for CareerLAB.
“I mean, your resume skills check all our boxes,” said Spoonworth, thoroughly impressed that you knew to lie about Microsoft Office proficiency on your resume.
According to sources, your pantaloons were utterly discombobulated after I yelled “Tallyho, scallywag!” and passed you on my penny-farthing bicycle.
“Who is that dapper rapscallion, and where did he procure such a frolicsome penny-farthing bicycle?” declared bystander Cornelius Snizzler, evidently bamboozled by my vast reservoirs of swagger and urbanity.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
