“There’s a lot of grade inflation, so I’m not giving As this semester,” said Marks before settling in at home to watch a Nicholas Sparks movie under a blanket his mother crocheted. “If that sounds too harsh, you can go to some fluff humanities class.”

“If you don’t have a strong background in upper level multi-variable calculus, don’t even bother taking my class,” Marks said while taking a fresh-baked pie out of the oven and placing it on the windowsill for his true love to find. “Only come to office hours with informed questions. If not, don’t come at all.”

At press time, a soft-spoken English professor was secretly an aspiring MMA fighter.