Sunday, September 25, 2022
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The Brown Noser

Yasmeen Gaber

Writer

Yasmeen's articles

Blue Room Croissonts Are Nothing Like Ze Ones In Paree Hon Hon Hon by Recently Returned Abroad Student | Sep 16 2022

Croissants at the Blue Room? Hah! This is, how you say, to-tal gar-bahj! They are nothing like ze ones in Paree hon hon hon. Back in beautiful Paree, Alpine goat butter was baked into the dough, creating flaky perfection. Mon Dieu! All the ingredients were, how you say, na-chu-raal, so you can eat as many as you like without putting on weight.

Quaint Baking TikTok Overlaid With Story Of Harrowing Attempted Murder | Sep 16 2022

Horrified sources scrolling through Tik-Tok report that a quaint baking video has been overlaid with the story of a harrowing attempted murder. “When my mom was a teenager, she was lunching with a friend when she noticed a strange man staring at them,” the narrator said as she browned butter until it was golden and nutty.

Film Bro’s Thesis Project Just 12-Minute Close-Up Of Woman Applying Lipstick | Sep 16 2022

According to sources, MCM concentrator and film bro Max Cahill’s thesis project is just a twelve-minute close-up of a woman applying lipstick. “It’s sort of a microcosm for the natural way we’re born versus the layers we put on to be accepted by society,” said writer-director Max Cahill ’23 while adjusting the zoom lens so that only the woman’s lips were visible.

Professor Asks For Ethnic Student’s Take “As Someone From That Part Of The World” | Apr 22 2022

Sources report that Professor Eller Van Heinz asked for ethnic student Zahra Bakhtiyar’s take “as someone from that part of the world.” “He asked if my family was from Azerbaijan,” Zahra said, recounting how her professor assumed that her heritage made her an expert on the region.

Well, I've Always Been Interested in Coyote Husbandry by Student Desperate for Summer Internship | Apr 22 2022

Good morning! Thank you so much for taking the time to interview me for this position. I’ve been following this company for a long time and getting the opportunity to intern for you would be a dream. How long have I been interested in coyote husbandry? Well, as long as I can remember.

Girl Knows A Little Too Much About Menendez Brothers | Mar 11 2022

According to sources, local girl Kate Stanwick knows a little too much about the Menendez brothers. “Listen, they’ve been through a lot, from the Pennington house to the Calabasas estate starting in the summer of ’87,” said Stanwick, alarming her roommates with her deep knowledge on the timeline of the convicted killers’ childhoods.

Report: Stop Touching The Nice Lady’s Jewelry—She’s Our Guest | Feb 04 2022

According to a report released by Mom at last Saturday’s dinner party, stop touching the nice lady’s jewelry — she’s our guest. “Justin, it’s not very kind to touch people’s things without asking,” Mom reminded her rowdy son as he tugged on their neighbors’s gold earrings.

Nerd In Teen Movie Literally Hacking School-Wide Computer System Just to Stop Basketball Game | Dec 03 2021

Viewers of teen movie The Cyberspace Between Us report that the nerd character is literally hacking the school-wide computer system just to stop a basketball game. “Okay, just one more quick thing,” said nerd Eric Mertz while typing several complicated lines of code just to stop the JV boys basketball warmup.

Ethnic Student Gets Adele Dazeem’d By Professor Again | Dec 03 2021

While introducing a presentation in an English seminar last week, Professor John Pettibone reportedly Adele Dazeem’d ethnic student Amina Khalafallah again. “And now, to present on Faulkner’s The Sound and the Fury, we have Antonin Kalahari,” said Professor Pettibone, mangling his student’s name in a way reminiscent of John Travolta’s infamous intro of Idina Menzel at the 2014 Oscars.

BMP Movie Just Two Young People Having Existential Discussion at India Point Park | Oct 29 2021

Sources report that a recent Brown Motion Pictures movie is just two young people having an existential discussion at India Point Park. “I really wanted to make something that was a product of the time we’re living in,” said writer-director Mark Adams ’22, emphasizing how important it was that his main characters be college students in their early 20s who do not leave India Point Park for the duration of the film.

Halloween Just Excuse For Girls To Dress Slutty, Claims Movie That Didn’t Age Well | Oct 29 2021

Sources report that the 2004 film Dumb Girls Only, which aged terribly, claims that Halloween is just an excuse for girls to dress slutty. “Guys, come on, Halloween is beneath us,” said self-righteous nerdy girl Maxine Jones after getting tripped by a cheerleader.

Sophomores Can't Wait to Finally Experience Brown's Terrible Parties | Sep 17 2021

Sources report that after a locked-down freshman year and a rocky start to the fall semester, sophomores can’t wait to finally experience Brown’s terrible parties. “I’ve really been looking forward to having a phenomenally disappointing social life,” said sophomore Brian Lu, referring to the brightly-lit, slightly-damp crew parties that have been missing from his college experience so far.

Dad’s “Thinking Of You” Text Just Article About Whale Fossils Found In Seattle | Apr 09 2021

Sources report that sophomore Erin Swanson’s dad’s “thinking of you” text was just an article about whale fossils found in Seattle. “I thought you might be interested in this,” wrote Greg Swanson over text, trying to connect with his daughter studying all the way across the country through an article about whale bones.

OMAC Testing Center Devolves Into Chaos After DOB Incorrect On Student Barcode | Mar 12 2021

In a scene marred by heavy smoke from on-fire printers, a terrified medical staff, and debris from a collapsing ceiling, the OMAC COVID Testing Center has devolved into a state of unbridled chaos after a student’s date of birth was listed incorrectly on her barcode sheet.

Student With Ethnic Name Picked Last In Zoom Popcorn Introduction | Mar 12 2021

In her Lit Arts seminar last month, a Brown university student with an ethnic-sounding name was unsurprisingly picked last in a Zoom popcorn introduction. “I can’t prove my name’s the reason, but no matter how big the class, I’m always last,” said sophomore Ahn Nguyen, whose name is one of the most common in the world and very simple to pronounce.