Oh my gosh, I just heard that you got accepted to do a Fulbright in Buenos Aires, congratulations! I’m so happy for you. You’re going to love it there. You know, I’ve actually spent a lot of time there, given that I’ve spent the last decade meticulously researching the historical, political, and migratory patterns of modern Argentina because, you know, I was really hoping to do a Fulbright in Buenos Aires.
According to local sources, Dad Brendon Crawford has been sending his Wordle results to his daughter Maria like he didn’t abandon his family and leave them destitute a decade ago.
“This one was a tough one, but I pulled it out of the bag,” Crawford texted Maria, neglecting the fact that his abrupt departure from the family unit and his refusal to pay child support had forced her to grow up in poverty.
Sources report that a split screen TikTok is featuring a thoughtful commentary on the violence of urban gentrification alongside the Duolingo Owl twerking.
“What we’re seeing now is workers at new, huge companies moving in and driving out the old-timers,” the speaker said, directly to the left of the Duolingo mascot, who was absolutely throwing ass.
Sources report that Jillian Glieberman, the author of the source carrying your 200-page thesis, actually didn’t mean that at all.
“Yeah, when you said that I used rabbits as a motif for happiness in the book, you were way off,” said Glieberman, completely undercutting the core of the thesis you spent an entire year writing.
According to sources, the Naked Donut Run is actually more of a nude donut-hole jog. “I was expecting this to be a lot more scandalous, as well as for there to be actual donuts and faster running,” said freshman Evan Trainor, craving a bit more donut, nudity, and speed from his peers.
According to sources, sophomore Jill Waters’ friend Matt Gleeson has been making “that’s what she said" jokes even though Gleeson clearly has no idea how sex works.
“For my art project, I said ‘I need to make more holes,’ and Matt just started giggling and said ‘that’s what she said,’” Waters recounted, confused at that joke’s premise.
Sources report that intimidating Econ professor Erik Marks is secretly a delicate flower that wants to be held.
“There’s a lot of grade inflation, so I’m not giving As this semester,” said Marks before settling in at home to watch a Nicholas Sparks movie under a blanket his mother crocheted.
Sources report that shitty love affair is not even that torrid. “They just seem really happy, like they’re always cuddling and holding hands and stuff, but they barely have to deal with warring families or even marital infidelity,” said Meredith Morris, an acquaintance of the happy couple, who was disappointed in their smooth relationship.
Sources report that local bandana girl Olivia Hughes is being wistful again.
“It just seems like the world is at a stand still, but maybe that’s okay,” said Hughes, with her hair tied back in an earth toned bandana. “Another year, another beautiful moment in time lost forever.”
“It’s interesting to think about life as a cycle when fruit flies live such a short time,” Hughes said while fastening a rainbow hand-crocheted bandana to her head.
Sources report that popular TikTok song “A Meadow Full of Daisies” used to be a Vietnam protest anthem.
“I mostly know it as background music for videos about how to use contact paper to waterproof your shoes,” said Max Wang of the song, not realizing that it became famous when Vietnam War protestors would join hands and sing it at demonstrations.
Hometown sources report that huh, high school friend Jake Merritt just got his real estate license.
“It’s just such an adult step,” said hometown source Will Reiser, stupefied by Merritt’s recent career move. “He just has a whole, like, life now.”
“He’s setting himself up financially, but it’s wild that he’s just out there selling houses to people,” Reiser said, bewildered by the fact that his contemporary has a whole ass career.
Sources report that Computer Science TA Mark Johnson enjoys hiking, baking, and writing algorithms to produce humanoid hobbies for his class website bio.
“I just really enjoy getting out into the fresh air,” said Johnson through the AI bot he had trained to make him sound like a well-balanced human being.
Local sources report that senior Amanda Clements’ silverware set is composed entirely of forks from the Ratty.
“When we moved off-campus, we didn’t have to buy that much silverware,” Clements claimed, eating in her kitchen with a fork clearly stolen from Brown Dining Services.
According to reports, local man Jackson Rivers, who has been listing “self-awareness” as an interest in his dating app bio, is actually not that self-aware.
“I will never shut up about the continued need for fracking in our economy,“ said Rivers in his personality prompts, right below his interests, which included “self-awareness”.
Sources in a discussion section for ECON1300 Transnational Digital Labor Markets report that CS-Econ TA Eller Van Smythe III lead an icebreaker of nam- ing everyone’s favorite insidious global conglomerates. “Mine has definitely got to be Meta,” Van Smythe said to his discussion section of future white-collar criminals.
According to sources, film bro and MCM concentrator Max Markwith has lauded Martin Scorsese’s range from blue-collar organized criminals to white-collar organized criminals. “I mean, Goodfellas? Wolf of Wall Street? Those movies are just so different,” said Markwith, referring to the different kinds of felonies committed in Scorsese films.
From inside a Whole Foods, junior Maria Mather claimed that Trader Joe’s is going to gentrify the local community. “It’s going to seriously drive up prop- erty values,” said Mather, inside a Whole Foods that used to be a local antique shop and a mom-and-pop grocery store.
Sources report that Kevin Baker, a friend with a car, has been demoted in his group hierarchy to a Downton Abbey-era chauffeur. “My buddies used to, like, to hang out with me for me,” Baker said from the
kitchen as his friends dined in the drawing room.
You mustn’t think only of yourself, Ophelia. When the Homeland was under siege, we left for you, for YOU! We uprooted our lives to give you the opportunities we never had, and for you to become the world’s preeminent coloratura soprano.
Don’t look back! Your place is in Milan now.
Croissants at the Blue Room? Hah! This is, how you say, to-tal gar-bahj! They are nothing like ze ones in Paree hon hon hon.
Back in beautiful Paree, Alpine goat butter was baked into the dough, creating flaky perfection. Mon Dieu! All the ingredients were, how you say, na-chu-raal, so you can eat as many as you like without putting on weight.
Horrified sources scrolling through Tik-Tok report that a quaint baking video has been overlaid with the story of a harrowing attempted murder.
“When my mom was a teenager, she was lunching with a friend when she noticed a strange man staring at them,” the narrator said as she browned butter until it was golden and nutty.
According to sources, MCM concentrator and film bro Max Cahill’s thesis project is just a twelve-minute close-up of a woman applying lipstick.
“It’s sort of a microcosm for the natural way we’re born versus the layers we put on to be accepted by society,” said writer-director Max Cahill ’23 while adjusting the zoom lens so that only the woman’s lips were visible.
Sources report that Professor Eller Van Heinz asked for ethnic student Zahra Bakhtiyar’s take “as someone from that part of the world.”
“He asked if my family was from Azerbaijan,” Zahra said, recounting how her professor assumed that her heritage made her an expert on the region.
Good morning! Thank you so much for taking the time to interview me for this position. I’ve been following this company for a long time and getting the opportunity to intern for you would be a dream. How long have I been interested in coyote husbandry? Well, as long as I can remember.
According to sources, local girl Kate Stanwick knows a little too much about the Menendez brothers.
“Listen, they’ve been through a lot, from the Pennington house to the Calabasas estate starting in the summer of ’87,” said Stanwick, alarming her roommates with her deep knowledge on the timeline of the convicted killers’ childhoods.
According to a report released by Mom at last Saturday’s dinner party, stop touching the nice lady’s jewelry — she’s our guest.
“Justin, it’s not very kind to touch people’s things without asking,” Mom reminded her rowdy son as he tugged on their neighbors’s gold earrings.
Viewers of teen movie The Cyberspace Between Us report that the nerd character is literally hacking the school-wide computer system just to stop a basketball game.
“Okay, just one more quick thing,” said nerd Eric Mertz while typing several complicated lines of code just to stop the JV boys basketball warmup.
While introducing a presentation in an English seminar last week, Professor John Pettibone reportedly Adele Dazeem’d ethnic student Amina Khalafallah again.
“And now, to present on Faulkner’s The Sound and the Fury, we have Antonin Kalahari,” said Professor Pettibone, mangling his student’s name in a way reminiscent of John Travolta’s infamous intro of Idina Menzel at the 2014 Oscars.
Sources report that a recent Brown Motion Pictures movie is just two young people having an existential discussion at India Point Park.
“I really wanted to make something that was a product of the time we’re living in,” said writer-director Mark Adams ’22, emphasizing how important it was that his main characters be college students in their early 20s who do not leave India Point Park for the duration of the film.
Sources report that the 2004 film Dumb Girls Only, which aged terribly, claims that Halloween is just an excuse for girls to dress slutty.
“Guys, come on, Halloween is beneath us,” said self-righteous nerdy girl Maxine Jones after getting tripped by a cheerleader.
Sources report that after a locked-down freshman year and a rocky start to the fall semester, sophomores can’t wait to finally experience Brown’s terrible parties.
“I’ve really been looking forward to having a phenomenally disappointing social life,” said sophomore Brian Lu, referring to the brightly-lit, slightly-damp crew parties that have been missing from his college experience so far.
Sources report that sophomore Erin Swanson’s dad’s “thinking of you” text was just an article about whale fossils found in Seattle.
“I thought you might be interested in this,” wrote Greg Swanson over text, trying to connect with his daughter studying all the way across the country through an article about whale bones.
In a scene marred by heavy smoke from on-fire printers, a terrified medical staff, and debris from a collapsing ceiling, the OMAC COVID Testing Center has devolved into a state of unbridled chaos after a student’s date of birth was listed incorrectly on her barcode sheet.
In her Lit Arts seminar last month, a Brown university student with an ethnic-sounding name was unsurprisingly picked last in a Zoom popcorn introduction. “I can’t prove my name’s the reason, but no matter how big the class, I’m always last,” said sophomore Ahn Nguyen, whose name is one of the most common in the world and very simple to pronounce.