“I’m actually really happy with this new job, I think I really just needed a career switch,” said hapless victim Jim Lanegan, mentioning how nice it is to have a super unpredictable income dependent on reselling products that he already bought for a mark-up. “I hated my old boss, and I never felt valued in my old position. Now, I’ve got 200 awesome senior-level co-partners who all seem to be really dependent on me!”

“Sure, it’s a little costly, and I still have more payments I need to make, but nobody ever said being your own boss was easy!” continued Lanegan, unaware that if he suddenly decided to stop making payments, a business big enough to be listed on the NASDAQ would go belly up and cease to exist without him. “My 200 mentors—no, I think it’s 250 now—told me that they all started where I was and that the first ten years are always a grind. So I really only have to stick it out for three more years until I start seeing some return!”

In other news, an inverse food chain was really screwing over a grizzly bear.