“There’s just no way his hair would’ve majestically whipped around, emphasizing his utter holiness and Christian power, without a few solo trials,” historian Daniel Hill said. “And he was shirtless? C’mon. He definitely thought that through.”
These findings have created a “twinge of awkwardness,” as Hill put it, around the renowned two-millenium-old event. A growing contingent of people are concerned that the new reports make Jesus look a little like a try-hard.
“I mean, I still respect him and everything, because, you know, he’s Jesus,” Hill said. “But I would definitely respect him more if rising from the cross was more of an ‘on a whim’ thing. Did he also plan out dying for our sins? I mean, he’s supposed to be a professional.”
Historians have also started asserting that Jesus totally got God to help him out.