Dana's articles
After weeks of scathing comments, sources have begun to speculate that the only chance of redemption for members of the Brown Concert Agency consists of deleting posts from social media, fleeing the country, and quietly living out the rest of their days as kindly dairy farmers in rural mountain villages.
The editors of The College Hill Independent announced that their next issue will consist of a bunch of completely blank papers that will symbolize some shit. “We plan on printing and distributing papers filled with absolutely nothing in order to emphasize some metaphorical garbage about the state of whatever,” Indy Managing Editor Marie Albrite said, downloading a pdf full of empty white pages.
According to a recent Brown Daily Herald article, there is no more news.
“We’re all out,” said BDH Editor-In-Chief Louise Haler, receiving no news alerts on her phone. “The news has already all been reported, and there’s none left.”
“This is definitely a challenge for student journalists, being out of news,” Haler continued, scouring Google’s “news” tab and coming up with nothing.
Senior Rachel Abbott announced that she plans on training for next year’s Newport marathon as part of her latest effort to become unpleasant.
“I’ll have to enact a strict training regimen if I truly want to become a displeasing individual,” Abbott said, wearing brand-new running shoes around her apartment in order to become a slightly worse person.
Can you calm down for a second? Your cellphone probably just isn’t working because we have spotty reception here. Don’t freak out, okay? It’s just slow internet, and also the fact that I took out all of the little computer pieces inside, so now your phone is just a hollow glass rectangle.
University officials recently delivered a giant wooden tent, which was reportedly filled with police officers, to the Gaza solidarity encampment on the Main Green.
“They pretended like they were just giving us another tent, but we obviously knew something was off because this tent was huge, wooden, and on wheels,” said encamper Ruby Goldstein as police officers began peeking out from the inside of the tent.
A recent report by Sports Illustrated found that nothing is as exhilarating as a footrace.
“That’s right, folks, there’s nothing so thrilling as a running race from one end of a paved surface to another,” the report began. “Several people, usually children, trying to determine who is faster is the most elating, adrenaline-spiking activity in the world.”
“God, I love a footrace,” the study continued.
According to high school boys in romantic comedies, smart girl Anna Lyra would be really pretty if she just took off all her clothes. “She could be a real hottie, but I don’t think she knows it,” said 16-year-old Tom Edgar as Lyra pushed her glasses up her nose and tightened her ponytail.
Next month, Brown Market Shares will offer students freshly-baked loaves of warm, mouthwatering bread, and also eight pounds of mustard greens.
“I’m so glad we get to support local farmers through Market Shares,” said Market Shares volunteer Jenny Gold, organizing several jars of homemade jam next to massive piles of wilting Swiss chard that students would just have to figure out how to use.
According to various sources, the trend of asking if people are siblings or dating is really unfair for siblings who are also dating one another. “I just feel like we’re being excluded,” said Ralph Draugh, lacing his fingers with his sisters’.
Witnessing hair pulling and teasing, local recess aide Janet Krulinsky alleged that nine-year-old Billy Jones is probably just being mean to Alicia Freund because Freund literally sucks. “It’s really normal for boys and girls at this age,” said Krulinsky as Jones called Freund ‘brace face,’ referencing her purple braces.
I really want to go swimming, but, instead of water, the pool is full of goo again! I thought I’d taken care of this already. I mean, I called the pool company and the insurance guys and all that last summer when this happened, but I guess they did a shitty job fixing it up, because here I am a year later, staring at a pool full of goo.
According to various scientific hypotheses, it’s so dark right now because I closed my eyes.
“It’s probably so pitch-black right now because your eyes are closed,” read a recent report by The American Journal of Physics. “If it’s so dark that you can’t even see a thing, it might be a result of your eyes being shut.”
“According to several data points, the reason everything is dark right now is your eyelids being closed,” the report continued as darkness continued to surround me after I closed my eyes.
Furiously reading over articles about JV basketball, high school newspaper Editor-in-Chief Theo Harkness is reportedly way too intense for a monthly paper called Wildcat World.
“I mean, he takes it super seriously,” said staff writer Kathy Pine, sitting in front of a poster of the school’s mascot, Willy the Wildcat.
Nostalgic and solemn, the nation’s mothers recently announced plans to get sort of sad at any mention of Princess Diana.
“Whenever Di comes up, we’ll probably have to sigh and shake our heads,” said mother Naomi Kent, gazing upward toward heaven.
The Brown administration recently released a statement about why they cannot make a statement about making a statement.
“There are many factors at play here, which means we cannot make a statement about making a statement at this time,” a written statement from administration to the Brown community read.
According to students in her class, sophomore Kelly Vera completely plagiarized her discussion post from the sixth installment of J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series.
“We were supposed to discuss the role of abstraction in interwar literature, but Kelly’s post was clearly taken from the pages of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince,” said classmate Ruby Stein, scrolling through the Canvas student responses until she reached Vera’s, which began with, “Three Dementor attacks in a week, and all Romilda Vane does is ask me if it’s true you’ve got a Hippogriff tattooed across your chest.”
“I mean, that doesn’t even make sense in the context of the class,” Stein continued.
The red wheelbarrow from modernist writer William Carlos Williams’s 1938 poem is reportedly entirely unaware of its rampant fame.
“This poem is really important when we think about symbolism,” said middle school English teacher Mattie Reynolds to her sixth-grade class, as the red wheelbarrow, oblivious to its status as a household name, just sat in a field on a far-away farm.
Local woman Betty Arnold flipping the sign of her general store to “closed” is reportedly a really poetic moment. “Something about it just makes me feel all kinds of emotions,” said onlooker Joseph Svec, as Arnold turned the laminated sign from one flat side to the other flat side.
Archaeologist Paula Rinsler reportedly just dug such a big hole in the dirt.
“This is like the biggest hole I’ve ever dug ever!” Rinsler said, peering at the rectangular trench she and her team of expert archaeologists had spent the past few months painstakingly excavating.
Doling out hunting rifles to a group of trembling freshmen, President Christina Paxson emphasized that killing a wild animal is the first step toward adulthood.
“You ain’t a man ‘till you’ve shot your first buck,” said a camo-clad Paxson, followed by a nervous jumble of first-years.
A New York Post report released last summer found that 60 percent of Brown students aren’t gay, thank god.
“According to our survey of Brown students, 60 percent are, in fact, heterosexual,” the report detailed. “Ultimately, after a critical analysis of the collected data, we concluded that over half of the student body is straight, hell yeah.”
According to the report, the remaining 40 percent of students are unfortunately big homos.
Brown Admin announced their relaunch of CareerLAB as the Center for Career Exploration in their latest effort to relaunch something. “We’re thrilled that our Center for Career Exploration so closely aligns with the mission of our university, which is, namely, to relaunch something,” an email from Center faculty read.
Scrappy Brown Daily Herald reporter Ethan Arnold is reportedly backed by nothing but sheer gumption, and also thousands of dollars of alumni donations.
“We’ve been insanely impressed by Ethan’s go-getter attitude in the face of adversity, and sometimes even danger,” said BDH Editor-in-Chief Posy Kransler as Arnold used some of the colossal stash of alumni funds to buy a source coffee.
Brown’s latest donor, Thomas Frank, reportedly doesn’t even own thousands of dollars’ worth of stolen artifacts. “I mean, what the actual hell,” said university president Christina Paxson, shaking her head at Frank’s lack of art pieces ripped from colonized communities.
A recent study on family dynamics found that there’s nothing quite like a lake, a canoe, and a writhing fish to end years of resentment between a father and a son. “The most effective way to halt a decade’s worth of emotional turmoil and passive-aggression is no doubt to put both father and son on a boat in the middle of a lake, hand ‘em each a big metal rod and a spool of twine, and let the healing happen,” said family therapist Jean Bundt.
Oh honey. I think Grandma already knows.
She’s probably known for a while. She’s always trying to catch my eye, which makes me think she’s pretty aware of the situation. Sweetie, you could tell her, but it’s not gonna, like, surprise her or anything.
Eden was super fun at first! I mean, we had a whole paradise to ourselves, and Adam and I just, like, ran around laughing, and there were all these insane flowers, ones that existed in colors the human eye can’t even see anymore.
Then God was like, “Realize that you’re naked! Be ashamed!” And everything got sooo awkward.
After a weightlifting session at the Nelson, it became clear that junior Todd Rigg doesn’t know the names of muscles. “He was pointing at his obliques, talking about how sore they were after a set of side crunches, but he was calling them his ’stomach ouchies,’” said Rigg’s gym buddy Joey Miren as Rigg called his bicep his “front arm.” “For a guy who’s always at the gym, he really has no idea what any muscle in his body is called.
The College Hill Independent will reportedly publish a groundbreaking article about the withered oak tree that reminds me of my childhood.
“We at the Indy value investigative journalism steeped in issues of social justice,” said Indy editor Leah Vineau, etching a leaf-like shape into a piece of cardboard.
Several minutes into senior Kit Lanith’s Literary Arts thesis presentation, it became clear that her compilation of experimental essays was just 50 pages detailing her own womb.
“Kit has been working so hard all semester, and it’s definitely nice to see her bringing her ideas into the world,” Lanith’s friend Greta Friedman said as Lanith began reciting a series of metaphors comparing her uterus to a cave.
Listen here. Listen here! Look, I wanna hear all of your suggestions to make this town better. Okay? I really do. But you gotta remember that I’m the damn mayor, not you, and what I say goes.
I’m glad you all feel comfortable coming to these town hall meetings—after all, democracy is made of town hall meetings—and I’m glad you guys aren’t afraid to say what you want and how you feel.
Brown University admin recently announced their unequivocal support of student activism, except for the kind that makes them look bad.
“We are thrilled that our student body is so passionate about such a wide array of issues, and we’re here to provide a space for them to fight for their future, as long as it doesn’t make us look like the money-grubbing institution that we are,” an email from administration stated.
Blissfully jumping on a backyard bouncy house, local eight-year-old Katie Murphy is unaware of how much her peanut allergy is really fucking up this birthday party.
“It’s like she doesn’t give a shit about the rest of us,” said party attendee Emily Pradin, watching Murphy open a box of apple juice.
Sources report that this old cathedral is probably gonna look like that other old cathedral. “There’s definitely gonna be a bunch of creepily colorful sculptures of Jesus on the cross,” said tourist Margaret Highland, standing in front of a beautiful, massive structure that looks almost exactly like the beautiful, massive structure she saw yesterday.
Walking to his dorm after dinner, astrophysics concentrator Zachary Erving announced that he maybe just found the Big Dipper!
“Wait, like, right there, I think that’s maybe it!” said Erving, an aspiring NASA aerospace engineer. “I’m, like, 87 percent sure.
Slipping an extra Oreo into her stepdaughter’s lunchbox, it recently became clear that local stepmother Anya McNeal is just a regular nice lady.
“I expected her to be wicked and make me live in the attic,” said Carolyn Nelph, McNeal’s stepdaughter.
OH MAN IT’S STARTING TO SEEM LIKE I MIGHT BE ALLERGIC TO BEES! This blows chunks! What am I supposed to do? I got stung a little while ago and now my arm’s all RED and SWOLLEN! OH MAN!
I guess I’m in a real pickle. Anyone got an ice pack? If only I’d known I was allergic to bees, I would’ve definitely tried harder not to get stung.
Customers recently reported that the tavern is so dim. “There’s just no light in here!” said tavern patron Elizabeth Williams, squinting to see the outline of her tin cup of ale. “I can barely make out the barkeep, and I can’t tell whether the weary travelers who entered a fortnight ago are the ones sounding with merry laughter.
Brown Daily Herald editor Jane Posner recently stated that the BDH is thrilled to share news with all of its reader. “It’s such an honor to serve all the member of our Providence community in this way,” Posner said, emailing a source about an interview that every one of the BDH’s fan will read.
Sources report that The College Hill Independent is planning on publishing an article about a band that none of you stupid losers have ever heard of. “It’s gonna center around this super cool band that none of you idiot morons are familiar with,” said Indy editor Paige Highland, scrolling through a Spotify playlist of songs that none of you asshat pigs would know.
Sophomore James Cranstor’s recent Instagram post is reportedly just a photo of him at night. “I feel like every time he comes up on my feed, it’s another picture of him wearing a solid-colored sweatshirt at nighttime,” said Cranstor’s friend Mary Friedman, examining the photograph of Cranstor on a sidewalk in the dark.
Shitty M.I.T janitor Mikey Bryer reportedly can’t even solve a near-impossible math problem.
“He just, like, mops and stuff,” said mathematics professor Linda Greenburg, watching Bryer absentmindedly push his cart past a chalkboard scrawled with an equation so difficult that not even Einstein could solve it.
ources report that yogurt titan Yoplait’s latest commercial is weirdly sensual.
“I get that they wanna sell their product, but I thought it was a little weird that the whole premise was a dewy-skinned actress licking a spoon for one-and-a-half minutes,” said viewer Diana Blair, staring confusedly at her television.
POINT:
I know we’ve been together for a long time, but things have changed, Jenna. We’ve changed. We’re a lot older than we were when we started dating, and I’m just not sure this is working anymore. I think we need to learn who we are apart from this relationship, and I think that’s totally normal.
Sources close to a local sparrow confirm that he’s content to sit on the same telephone wire until he dies. “I stopped here for a quick rest during my annual migration south, and then I just kinda stayed for a bit,” the sparrow said, wrapping his bird feet tight around the wire.
Popping kick-flips on their skate- boards before homeroom, TV’s Disney Channel boyfriends recently announced plans to wear a shirt on top of a different shirt. “I was originally just gonna wear one long-sleeved shirt, but then I saw this t- shirt and decided it would be pretty rad if I threw it on top,” said Disney boyfriend Chase Johnson, running a hand through his floppy, dyed-blond hair.
Hey. You. You give ‘em hell out there, okay? You give ‘em damn hell. I know it’s been a tough year. I know better than anyone. But you? You’ve got somethin’, kid. Somethin’ special. You’ve got moxie comin’ outta your ears, I can smell it from a mile away, and I know it’s scary, I know it is.
After playing a jaded old man in a scene, it became clear that improviser Ruby Allan has never smoked a cigarette.
“She sort of held two fingers up to her mouth vertically,” audience member Josie Lynde said of Allan’s performance. “Then she started breathing really heavily so we would know that she was, like, inhaling smoke, I guess.
Local chef Matthew Blythe’s chef ’s hat really makes him feel like a chef, reports Blythe. “Once I put on my chef ’s hat, I know there’s nothing I can’t cook,” Blythe said, adjusting his white, muffin-like headpiece. “There’s no doubt about it–my chef ’s hat makes me feel like I can fry, grill, or poach just about anything.
After workshopping his creative nonfiction essay in class, it became clear that sophomore Gus Hardis’s mom definitely doesn’t want you to know that.
“Gus really went in on his childhood, and he wrote about a bunch of intense things that his mom definitely doesn’t want us all to know,” Hardis’ classmate Eileen Cooper said, leaving comments on Hardis’s most recent piece.
A recent report urged the nation to lather up. “After collecting and examining an extensive variety of data, we’ve confirmed that it’s time to get your filthy paws on a bottle of shampoo, soap, or ointment, squeeze it onto your body, and lather up!” said researcher Jolene Mills.
A groundbreaking study published in the Journal of Architectural Engineering found that if a house is a face, then the windows are its eyes and the door is its mouth.
“I can’t believe it’s been right in front of us this whole time,” science reporter Caroline Freeman said at an international engineering conference.
Pulling her jacket tighter around her shoulders, local mom Gail Kraner reported that, oh, there’s a little breeze today!
“Looks like it’s a little chilly out,” Kraner said, rubbing her hands together speedily to generate heat. “If I’d known it was going to be this breezy, I’d have worn my big winter jacket, not this flimsy windbreaker!”
“I need to warm up a tad!” Kraner continued, wishing she’d worn her purple fleece as an extra layer.
Issuing a report after a recent youth baseball game, the nation’s dads concluded that that’s some arm you got there, kid.
“Nice throw, son,” said father and head researcher Todd Porter after a years-long, in-depth study. “You’ve got an arm on ya, that’s for sure.”
The study, which was published worldwide, detailed that that arm could get you places, son.
Arabella? Arabella! Jesus, trapped in this little hospital room with a sprained left foot, when just yesterday you were dazzling audiences with your breathtaking pirouettes and astonishing grande jetes! How are you feeling? Can I get you anything? Don’t worry, you’ll be back out there in no time, just give that stupid little thing a couple weeks to heal and you’ll be good as new!
What? Of course you’ll be on that stage again! This isn’t over, Arabella! It can’t be!
Think how far you’ve come! Remember growing up together in the slums, waiting for mother to come home from dead-end job after dead-end job? Remember standing outside the New York City Ballet in the dead of winter, just hoping for a glimpse of the beauty inside? And you did it, Arabella! You live that beauty! You’ve got talent that most dancers only dream of.
With a complacent smile and her hands folded in her lap, a girl in a Renaissance painting is chaste as fuck, sources report.
“She’s just so goddamn demure,” National Gallery docent Lucille Scanlan said, noting the girl’s untouched brown hair, curling at the ends.
According to reports, toothpaste made a surprise guest appearance today on local man Dennis Morey’s sweatshirt. “I can’t explain how thrilled I was to see that little dab of Crest 3D White grace the fabric of Dennis’ hoodie,” Morey’s colleague Jaclyn Ryan said as Morey obliviously reviewed a stack of recent memos in his cubicle.
According to students, biology professor Daphne Hirsh calls organisms “critters” like she’s a woodland fairy flitting about in a forest.
“So we’ve got all these different critters inhabiting specific ecological niches, with each occupying its own role in a shared ecosystem,” Hirsh said, sounding to all the world like an arboreal nymph.
Freshman Jamie Hartford, whose family owns a boat, reportedly only has friends because of his boat.
“It’s a sweet ride,” said Hartford’s friend Michael Morris, who had trekked up to Maine for the weekend to hang out with Hartford, and also to see his boat.
After choosing a fuzzy orange wire from his first-grade teacher’s arts and crafts box and twisting it a bit, local kid David Appel announced he’s not sure what to actually do with his pipe cleaner.
“Am I supposed to make something?” he said, confusedly prodding at the neon fuzz.
Claiming she’s received “urgent intel,” experienced NSA analyst Jeanette Davis has reportedly touched her earpiece again.
“I was asking Jeanette about her son, and she was telling me about his science fair project and soccer team and stuff, and then, out of nowhere, she touched her earpiece and started, like, murmuring to it,” Davis’ colleague Brian Jones said, ignoring Davis’ assurances that her earpiece was the only thing that kept her sane on overseas missions.
A recent round of the popular board game Clue rapidly devolved into a heated discussion of how Miss Scarlett killed someone with a candlestick. The unconventional murder weapon has confounded players since the game’s invention.
“I don’t get it,” said player Leslie Feinstein, sliding her piece from the lounge to the billiard room.
Tour guide Steven Yule is reportedly just lying. Yule, who has been a tour guide for the past two years, has never shared accurate information about Brown’s campus with his respective tour groups.
“The food here is like what your grandma makes,” he consciously fibbed as he passed the Ratty, basking in the glory of overeager nods from the group of emotionally vulnerable high school juniors.
After stating an opinion so common that it’s almost fact, Caroline Miller ’22 came forward yesterday with an apology.
“I’m sorry, but that’s just what I think,” Miller said in a self-serving effort to quash the nonexistent crowd of dissenters.
Questioning long-held beliefs that the 2,000-year-old Messiah improvised his famed resurrection, historians have recently begun to theorize that Jesus practiced rising from the cross in his bathroom mirror.
“There’s just no way his hair would’ve majestically whipped around, emphasizing his utter holiness and Christian power, without a few solo trials,” historian Daniel Hill said.
Weak-ass 90s boyfriend Joe Davis can’t even lift a boombox over his head, a fact he discovered while attempting to profess his feelings to his outwardly perfect but internally struggling high school sweetheart.
“How else was I supposed to declare my love to a girl who’s kind of mean to me in public, but weirdly nice and deep when we’re outside of school?” Davis said, icing his concussed head and buttoning a large flannel over his ambiguous-grunge-band T-shirt.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
