Wednesday, April 14, 2021
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The Brown Noser

Dana Herrnstadt

Writer

Dana's articles

Game Of Clue Devolves Into Discussion Of How Miss Scarlett Killed Someone With Candlestick | Apr 09 2021

A recent round of the popular board game Clue rapidly devolved into a heated discussion of how Miss Scarlett killed someone with a candlestick. The unconventional murder weapon has confounded players since the game’s invention. “I don’t get it,” said player Leslie Feinstein, sliding her piece from the lounge to the billiard room.

Tour Guide Just Lying | Apr 09 2021

Tour guide Steven Yule is reportedly just lying. Yule, who has been a tour guide for the past two years, has never shared accurate information about Brown’s campus with his respective tour groups. “The food here is like what your grandma makes,” he consciously fibbed as he passed the Ratty, basking in the glory of overeager nods from the group of emotionally vulnerable high school juniors.

“I’m Sorry, But That’s Just What I Think,” Says Person With Entirely Uncontroversial Opinion | Mar 12 2021

After stating an opinion so common that it’s almost fact, Caroline Miller ’22 came forward yesterday with an apology. “I’m sorry, but that’s just what I think,” Miller said in a self-serving effort to quash the nonexistent crowd of dissenters.

Jesus Clearly Practiced Rising From Cross In Bathroom Mirror | Mar 12 2021

Questioning long-held beliefs that the 2,000-year-old Messiah improvised his famed resurrection, historians have recently begun to theorize that Jesus practiced rising from the cross in his bathroom mirror. “There’s just no way his hair would’ve majestically whipped around, emphasizing his utter holiness and Christian power, without a few solo trials,” historian Daniel Hill said.

Weak-Ass 90s Boyfriend Can’t Even Lift Boombox Over Head | Mar 12 2021

Weak-ass 90s boyfriend Joe Davis can’t even lift a boombox over his head, a fact he discovered while attempting to profess his feelings to his outwardly perfect but internally struggling high school sweetheart. “How else was I supposed to declare my love to a girl who’s kind of mean to me in public, but weirdly nice and deep when we’re outside of school?” Davis said, icing his concussed head and buttoning a large flannel over his ambiguous-grunge-band T-shirt.