Tuesday, September 26, 2023
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The Brown Noser

Dana Herrnstadt


Dana's articles

“You Ain’t A Man ‘Till You’ve Shot Your First Buck,” Says Paxson Passing Muskets To Wide-Eyed Freshmen | Sep 22 2023

Doling out hunting rifles to a group of trembling freshmen, President Christina Paxson emphasized that killing a wild animal is the first step toward adulthood. “You ain’t a man ‘till you’ve shot your first buck,” said a camo-clad Paxson, followed by a nervous jumble of first-years.

New York Post Report Finds 60 Percent Of Brown Students Not Gay, Thank God | Sep 22 2023

A New York Post report released last summer found that 60 percent of Brown students aren’t gay, thank god. “According to our survey of Brown students, 60 percent are, in fact, heterosexual,” the report detailed. “Ultimately, after a critical analysis of the collected data, we concluded that over half of the student body is straight, hell yeah.” According to the report, the remaining 40 percent of students are unfortunately big homos.

Brown To Relaunch CareerLAB As Center For Career Exploration In Latest Effort To Relaunch Something | Sep 22 2023

Brown Admin announced their relaunch of CareerLAB as the Center for Career Exploration in their latest effort to relaunch something. “We’re thrilled that our Center for Career Exploration so closely aligns with the mission of our university, which is, namely, to relaunch something,” an email from Center faculty read.

Indy To Publish Groundbreaking Piece On Withered Oak Tree That Reminds Me Of My Childhood | Apr 14 2023

The College Hill Independent will reportedly publish a groundbreaking article about the withered oak tree that reminds me of my childhood. “We at the Indy value investigative journalism steeped in issues of social justice,” said Indy editor Leah Vineau, etching a leaf-like shape into a piece of cardboard.

Lit Arts Thesis Just 50 Pages Of Describing Own Womb | Apr 14 2023

Several minutes into senior Kit Lanith’s Literary Arts thesis presentation, it became clear that her compilation of experimental essays was just 50 pages detailing her own womb. “Kit has been working so hard all semester, and it’s definitely nice to see her bringing her ideas into the world,” Lanith’s friend Greta Friedman said as Lanith began reciting a series of metaphors comparing her uterus to a cave.

I'm The Damn Mayor And What I Say Goes! | Apr 14 2023

Listen here. Listen here! Look, I wanna hear all of your suggestions to make this town better. Okay? I really do. But you gotta remember that I’m the damn mayor, not you, and what I say goes. I’m glad you all feel comfortable coming to these town hall meetings—after all, democracy is made of town hall meetings—and I’m glad you guys aren’t afraid to say what you want and how you feel.

Brown Admin Thrilled To Support Student Activism, Except Kind That Makes Them Look Bad | Feb 18 2023

Brown University admin recently announced their unequivocal support of student activism, except for the kind that makes them look bad. “We are thrilled that our student body is so passionate about such a wide array of issues, and we’re here to provide a space for them to fight for their future, as long as it doesn’t make us look like the money-grubbing institution that we are,” an email from administration stated.

Girl With Peanut Allergy Really Fucking Up Birthday Party | Feb 18 2023

Blissfully jumping on a backyard bouncy house, local eight-year-old Katie Murphy is unaware of how much her peanut allergy is really fucking up this birthday party. “It’s like she doesn’t give a shit about the rest of us,” said party attendee Emily Pradin, watching Murphy open a box of apple juice.

Old Cathedral Probably Gonna Look Like Other Old Cathedral | Feb 18 2023

Sources report that this old cathedral is probably gonna look like that other old cathedral. “There’s definitely gonna be a bunch of creepily colorful sculptures of Jesus on the cross,” said tourist Margaret Highland, standing in front of a beautiful, massive structure that looks almost exactly like the beautiful, massive structure she saw yesterday.

Astrophysics Concentrator Maybe Sees Big Dipper! | Feb 18 2023

Walking to his dorm after dinner, astrophysics concentrator Zachary Erving announced that he maybe just found the Big Dipper! “Wait, like, right there, I think that’s maybe it!” said Erving, an aspiring NASA aerospace engineer. “I’m, like, 87 percent sure.

Stepmother Actually Just Really Nice Lady | Feb 18 2023

Slipping an extra Oreo into her stepdaughter’s lunchbox, it recently became clear that local stepmother Anya McNeal is just a regular nice lady. “I expected her to be wicked and make me live in the attic,” said Carolyn Nelph, McNeal’s stepdaughter.


OH MAN IT’S STARTING TO SEEM LIKE I MIGHT BE ALLERGIC TO BEES! This blows chunks! What am I supposed to do? I got stung a little while ago and now my arm’s all RED and SWOLLEN! OH MAN! I guess I’m in a real pickle. Anyone got an ice pack? If only I’d known I was allergic to bees, I would’ve definitely tried harder not to get stung.

Tavern So Dim | Dec 16 2022

Customers recently reported that the tavern is so dim. “There’s just no light in here!” said tavern patron Elizabeth Williams, squinting to see the outline of her tin cup of ale. “I can barely make out the barkeep, and I can’t tell whether the weary travelers who entered a fortnight ago are the ones sounding with merry laughter.

BDH Excited To Share News With All Of Its Reader | Dec 16 2022

Brown Daily Herald editor Jane Posner recently stated that the BDH is thrilled to share news with all of its reader. “It’s such an honor to serve all the member of our Providence community in this way,” Posner said, emailing a source about an interview that every one of the BDH’s fan will read.

Indy To Publish Article About Band That None Of You Stupid Losers Have Ever Heard Of | Dec 16 2022

Sources report that The College Hill Independent is planning on publishing an article about a band that none of you stupid losers have ever heard of. “It’s gonna center around this super cool band that none of you idiot morons are familiar with,” said Indy editor Paige Highland, scrolling through a Spotify playlist of songs that none of you asshat pigs would know.

Guy's Instagram Post Just Photo Of Him At Night | Dec 16 2022

Sophomore James Cranstor’s recent Instagram post is reportedly just a photo of him at night. “I feel like every time he comes up on my feed, it’s another picture of him wearing a solid-colored sweatshirt at nighttime,” said Cranstor’s friend Mary Friedman, examining the photograph of Cranstor on a sidewalk in the dark.

Shitty M.I.T. Janitor Can’t Even Solve Mind-Bending Math Problem | Dec 16 2022

Shitty M.I.T janitor Mikey Bryer reportedly can’t even solve a near-impossible math problem. “He just, like, mops and stuff,” said mathematics professor Linda Greenburg, watching Bryer absentmindedly push his cart past a chalkboard scrawled with an equation so difficult that not even Einstein could solve it.

Yogurt Commercial Weirdly Sensual | Dec 16 2022

ources report that yogurt titan Yoplait’s latest commercial is weirdly sensual. “I get that they wanna sell their product, but I thought it was a little weird that the whole premise was a dewy-skinned actress licking a spoon for one-and-a-half minutes,” said viewer Diana Blair, staring confusedly at her television.

POINT: I Just Feel Like We’re Growing Apart, Jenna, And I Think That’s Okay / COUNTERPOINT: Yeah, No, For Sure, But Before We Have This Discussion, Can You Please Help Me Out Of This Well? | Dec 16 2022

POINT: I know we’ve been together for a long time, but things have changed, Jenna. We’ve changed. We’re a lot older than we were when we started dating, and I’m just not sure this is working anymore. I think we need to learn who we are apart from this relationship, and I think that’s totally normal.

Bird Just Gonna Sit On Telephone Wire Until It Dies | Oct 31 2022

Sources close to a local sparrow confirm that he’s content to sit on the same telephone wire until he dies. “I stopped here for a quick rest during my annual migration south, and then I just kinda stayed for a bit,” the sparrow said, wrapping his bird feet tight around the wire.

Disney Channel Boyfriends Announce Plans To Wear Shirt On Top Of Other Shirt | Oct 31 2022

Popping kick-flips on their skate- boards before homeroom, TV’s Disney Channel boyfriends recently announced plans to wear a shirt on top of a different shirt. “I was originally just gonna wear one long-sleeved shirt, but then I saw this t- shirt and decided it would be pretty rad if I threw it on top,” said Disney boyfriend Chase Johnson, running a hand through his floppy, dyed-blond hair.

Hey. You Give 'Em Hell Out There. You Give 'Em Damn Hell. By Chip Grillhard, Jersey Youth Sluggers | Oct 31 2022

Hey. You. You give ‘em hell out there, okay? You give ‘em damn hell. I know it’s been a tough year. I know better than anyone. But you? You’ve got somethin’, kid. Somethin’ special. You’ve got moxie comin’ outta your ears, I can smell it from a mile away, and I know it’s scary, I know it is.

Member Of Improv Group Has Clearly Never Smoked Cigarette | Sep 16 2022

After playing a jaded old man in a scene, it became clear that improviser Ruby Allan has never smoked a cigarette. “She sort of held two fingers up to her mouth vertically,” audience member Josie Lynde said of Allan’s performance. “Then she started breathing really heavily so we would know that she was, like, inhaling smoke, I guess.

Chef's Hat Really Makes Chef Feel Like Chef, Reports Chef | Sep 16 2022

Local chef Matthew Blythe’s chef ’s hat really makes him feel like a chef, reports Blythe. “Once I put on my chef ’s hat, I know there’s nothing I can’t cook,” Blythe said, adjusting his white, muffin-like headpiece. “There’s no doubt about it–my chef ’s hat makes me feel like I can fry, grill, or poach just about anything.

Guy In Nonfiction Workshop's Mom Definitely Doesn't Want You To Know That | Apr 22 2022

After workshopping his creative nonfiction essay in class, it became clear that sophomore Gus Hardis’s mom definitely doesn’t want you to know that. “Gus really went in on his childhood, and he wrote about a bunch of intense things that his mom definitely doesn’t want us all to know,” Hardis’ classmate Eileen Cooper said, leaving comments on Hardis’s most recent piece.

Report: Lather Up! | Apr 22 2022

A recent report urged the nation to lather up. “After collecting and examining an extensive variety of data, we’ve confirmed that it’s time to get your filthy paws on a bottle of shampoo, soap, or ointment, squeeze it onto your body, and lather up!” said researcher Jolene Mills.

Study Finds If House Is Face Then Windows Are Eyes And Door Is Mouth | Apr 22 2022

A groundbreaking study published in the Journal of Architectural Engineering found that if a house is a face, then the windows are its eyes and the door is its mouth. “I can’t believe it’s been right in front of us this whole time,” science reporter Caroline Freeman said at an international engineering conference.

Oh, There's A Little Breeze! Reports Mom | Mar 11 2022

Pulling her jacket tighter around her shoulders, local mom Gail Kraner reported that, oh, there’s a little breeze today! “Looks like it’s a little chilly out,” Kraner said, rubbing her hands together speedily to generate heat. “If I’d known it was going to be this breezy, I’d have worn my big winter jacket, not this flimsy windbreaker!” “I need to warm up a tad!” Kraner continued, wishing she’d worn her purple fleece as an extra layer.

Nation’s Dads Conclude That That’s Some Arm You Got There, Kid | Feb 04 2022

Issuing a report after a recent youth baseball game, the nation’s dads concluded that that’s some arm you got there, kid. “Nice throw, son,” said father and head researcher Todd Porter after a years-long, in-depth study. “You’ve got an arm on ya, that’s for sure.” The study, which was published worldwide, detailed that that arm could get you places, son.

You WILL Dance Again, Arabella! You Have To! | Feb 04 2022

Arabella? Arabella! Jesus, trapped in this little hospital room with a sprained left foot, when just yesterday you were dazzling audiences with your breathtaking pirouettes and astonishing grande jetes! How are you feeling? Can I get you anything? Don’t worry, you’ll be back out there in no time, just give that stupid little thing a couple weeks to heal and you’ll be good as new! What? Of course you’ll be on that stage again! This isn’t over, Arabella! It can’t be! Think how far you’ve come! Remember growing up together in the slums, waiting for mother to come home from dead-end job after dead-end job? Remember standing outside the New York City Ballet in the dead of winter, just hoping for a glimpse of the beauty inside? And you did it, Arabella! You live that beauty! You’ve got talent that most dancers only dream of.

Girl In Renaissance Painting Chaste As Fuck | Dec 03 2021

With a complacent smile and her hands folded in her lap, a girl in a Renaissance painting is chaste as fuck, sources report. “She’s just so goddamn demure,” National Gallery docent Lucille Scanlan said, noting the girl’s untouched brown hair, curling at the ends.

Toothpaste Makes Surprise Guest Appearance On Man’s Sweatshirt | Dec 03 2021

According to reports, toothpaste made a surprise guest appearance today on local man Dennis Morey’s sweatshirt. “I can’t explain how thrilled I was to see that little dab of Crest 3D White grace the fabric of Dennis’ hoodie,” Morey’s colleague Jaclyn Ryan said as Morey obliviously reviewed a stack of recent memos in his cubicle.

Biology Professor Calls Organisms “Critters” Like She A Woodland Fairy Flitting About In Forest | Oct 29 2021

According to students, biology professor Daphne Hirsh calls organisms “critters” like she’s a woodland fairy flitting about in a forest. “So we’ve got all these different critters inhabiting specific ecological niches, with each occupying its own role in a shared ecosystem,” Hirsh said, sounding to all the world like an arboreal nymph.

Guy With Boat Has Friends Because Of Boat | Oct 29 2021

Freshman Jamie Hartford, whose family owns a boat, reportedly only has friends because of his boat. “It’s a sweet ride,” said Hartford’s friend Michael Morris, who had trekked up to Maine for the weekend to hang out with Hartford, and also to see his boat.

Kid Not Sure What To Actually Do With Pipe Cleaner | Oct 29 2021

After choosing a fuzzy orange wire from his first-grade teacher’s arts and crafts box and twisting it a bit, local kid David Appel announced he’s not sure what to actually do with his pipe cleaner. “Am I supposed to make something?” he said, confusedly prodding at the neon fuzz.

NSA Analyst Touches Earpiece Again | Sep 17 2021

Claiming she’s received “urgent intel,” experienced NSA analyst Jeanette Davis has reportedly touched her earpiece again. “I was asking Jeanette about her son, and she was telling me about his science fair project and soccer team and stuff, and then, out of nowhere, she touched her earpiece and started, like, murmuring to it,” Davis’ colleague Brian Jones said, ignoring Davis’ assurances that her earpiece was the only thing that kept her sane on overseas missions.

Game Of Clue Devolves Into Discussion Of How Miss Scarlett Killed Someone With Candlestick | Apr 09 2021

A recent round of the popular board game Clue rapidly devolved into a heated discussion of how Miss Scarlett killed someone with a candlestick. The unconventional murder weapon has confounded players since the game’s invention. “I don’t get it,” said player Leslie Feinstein, sliding her piece from the lounge to the billiard room.

Tour Guide Just Lying | Apr 09 2021

Tour guide Steven Yule is reportedly just lying. Yule, who has been a tour guide for the past two years, has never shared accurate information about Brown’s campus with his respective tour groups. “The food here is like what your grandma makes,” he consciously fibbed as he passed the Ratty, basking in the glory of overeager nods from the group of emotionally vulnerable high school juniors.

“I’m Sorry, But That’s Just What I Think,” Says Person With Entirely Uncontroversial Opinion | Mar 12 2021

After stating an opinion so common that it’s almost fact, Caroline Miller ’22 came forward yesterday with an apology. “I’m sorry, but that’s just what I think,” Miller said in a self-serving effort to quash the nonexistent crowd of dissenters.

Jesus Clearly Practiced Rising From Cross In Bathroom Mirror | Mar 12 2021

Questioning long-held beliefs that the 2,000-year-old Messiah improvised his famed resurrection, historians have recently begun to theorize that Jesus practiced rising from the cross in his bathroom mirror. “There’s just no way his hair would’ve majestically whipped around, emphasizing his utter holiness and Christian power, without a few solo trials,” historian Daniel Hill said.

Weak-Ass 90s Boyfriend Can’t Even Lift Boombox Over Head | Mar 12 2021

Weak-ass 90s boyfriend Joe Davis can’t even lift a boombox over his head, a fact he discovered while attempting to profess his feelings to his outwardly perfect but internally struggling high school sweetheart. “How else was I supposed to declare my love to a girl who’s kind of mean to me in public, but weirdly nice and deep when we’re outside of school?” Davis said, icing his concussed head and buttoning a large flannel over his ambiguous-grunge-band T-shirt.