“Josiah’s has always been adored by students, and its endearing 50s diner aesthetic was part of that, so we asked ourselves, ‘how can we turn it into a soulless hellscape instead?’” said Jerry Lurch, Deputy Vice President for Management of Facilities Management. “The success of this project has inspired us to move forward on our long term goal of robbing Brown’s campus of as much beauty as possible.”

“I’ve always kind of liked the idea of, I don’t know, maybe a giant glass orb on top of the John Hay Library,” says Lurch. “Maybe even with some spikes. Why the fuck not?” According to Lurch, other potential projects include filling Sayles Hall with concrete pillars, replacing University Hall’s brick exterior with shiny steel sheeting, and doing absolutely nothing to the Sciences Library.

“In Jo’s we added 6,500 different light fixtures,” said Lurch. “That way users can better admire how we made the place look like the inside of a fuck-ugly megachurch.” The renovation, notably, did not replace any of the existing furniture, as that would have been too practical and also would have risked improving the overall dining experience.

At press time, money was being diverted from financial aid resources in order to paint Keeney blaze orange.