“He realized he was halfway done with college, and that led to some existential meltdowns,” reported Horatio Blank, Stetson’s roommate. “He impulsively bought this sports car poster, and he’s been attached to it ever since.”

“Sometimes he pats and rubs the poster and says things like ‘take a look at this bad boy’ and ‘yeah, she’s a beauty,’" said Blank. “He’s caring less and less about his work and instead spends most of his time dusting the poster and muttering to himself about horsepower. He’s constantly working on it, fixing rips and changing the command strips and stuff. He needs a reality check.”

At press time, Stetson was making it known that nobody could touch his baby but him.