A text message from Daniel from your anthropology class, ANTH1302: Politics and Symbols, reports that he wants to know how goes it.
“Hey this is Daniel from anthropology,” read the 12:37 AM text message, which was the first text you’ve received from Daniel since the beginning of the semester when he asked you how the exam went for you.
A Brown Concert Agency press release announced yesterday that Spring Weekend 2020 will be headlined by your dad singing Phil Collins.
“Though we’re heartbroken that we had to cancel this year’s in-person performance, we’re still very excited to announce that this year’s Spring Weekend lineup will be led by your dad singing all of Phil Collins’ greatest hits,” BCA wrote in the release.
Ah, welcome. Welcome to my dirty, dirty sleeping lair. What brings you through here, weary traveler? Surely, you are lost. Another soul hasn’t set foot in here for at least, I don’t know, probably a couple weeks, I guess. But fear not, young one! You’ll get used to the smell.
Sources report that buying Stacy’s Pita Chips from the Blue Room offers patrons a genuine taste of the Mediterranean. “I’ve seen the searing blue sea off the coast of Santorini, I’ve drunk wine on the beaches of the Cinque Terre, but I’ve never felt more, shall I say, Medditeranean, than when I’m eating Stacy’s Pita Chips, which contain real sea salt,” declared Bernard Swifty ’21, reveling in the transportative qualities of the chip.
A new report published by science has found that there is a strong correlation between the amount of NPR Tiny Desk Concert videos one has watched and how much that person fucks like a champ. The report finds that this correlation can be found among a variety of different but connected metrics.
Sources report that Brown Daily Herald staff writer Freddy Buckwheat is still wearing a journalist costume weeks after Halloween has ended. Friends and family are concerned that Freddy may be having trouble separating reality and fantasy.
“I’m a little worried about him," reported Buckwheat’s friend and roommate, Frank Calizoni.
Sources report that the University has decided that Reading Period will officially be renamed the Cornelius Reading Period, after Cornelius Reading ‘53, of the Reading Railroad Company, who just donated a large sum of money to the University. “We’ve decided to honor Cornelius Reading’s generous gift to the university by renaming Reading Period the Cornelius Reading Period,” announced Kelly Bowden, a University representative.
Kyle doesn’t have any final exams but he does have some essays, according to his friends who are STEM concentrators. “Yeah, I’m just not in any classes that have exams,” noted Kyle, an English concentrator who, while his friends have one or even many final exams, just has some essays to write.
Ah, crap. Sorry, dude. That was way off. I don’t know what’s up with me today. My forehand’s usually pretty tight. This is so weird. Maybe I’ll just stick to the backhand. The old trusty backhand, she never fails me.
Fuck, now even my backhand’s failing me, haha.
Sources report that Bart Becker, who was seen holding the bluetooth speaker playing music for the entire party, has never known a power such as this.
“At first, I was just holding it on my cheek to feel the vibration because that shit rocks,” noted Becker.
Sources report that Jarvis Storkin’s new wooden antique bedside table really pulls his cinderblock dorm room together. The bedside table reportedly transformed a cold room with cheap posters on the wall into a real home.
“I saw it on the side of the road and I just knew that it was the last piece I needed to finish decorating my room,” sad Storkin, admiring the deep mahogany shades of the table against the hideous white paint chipping off his walls.
Sources report that Bobby has to stop by this other thing first, but he’ll meet us there. While originally Bobby, Caitlyn, Vanessa, and Carlos were going to go Alex’s party together after pregaming in Vanessa’s room, right when they were about to leave, Bobby unexpectedly announced that he needed to stop by Mark’s room because he promised he would.
Hey Buzzy, It’s me, your Cousin Tony! C’mon, don’t tell me you don’t remember your Cousin Tony! I remember when you used to be a little kid kicking a soccer ball around. But you’re not that little anymore, are you Buzzy? No, you’re not.
As the Dean of Admission here at Brown University, it is my distinct pleasure each year to be able to get to know the incoming first-years through their applications. There is nothing more fascinating than being able to see how the groups of students change each year.
In the midst of having a mid-college crisis, Junior Brett Stetson has bought a poster of a sports car. Stetson used to have pictures of his family on his wall, but he has since taped the new poster of a vintage 1975 Dodge Dart right on top of them.
“He realized he was halfway done with college, and that led to some existential meltdowns,” reported Horatio Blank, Stetson’s roommate.
First-Year Noah Glickman has already mastered the art of making sure the Ratty worker sitting at the front understands he’s only heading to the bathroom, and he will be right back. Glickman has surprised upperclassmen and Ratty staff alike by how quickly he’s learned the nuanced facial expressions and hand gestures along with a polite yet emphatic mouthing of the words, “I’m just going to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”
“It just came naturally,” Glickman said.
Sources report that Colby Parcheesi, that guy sitting on the Main Green with a guitar, clearly only knows how to play the G chord and nothing else.
“He started out with a nice strong G chord,” reported Katie Sweetnose, who sat down nearby to listen.
Wiggling his head a little at a jazz concert, local white man Jeff Kahn guessed he must like jazz now.
“I’ve never really been one to listen to jazz before," Kahn said, still moving his head to the beat. “But man, you should’ve seen me. My head was out of control.
Sources report that student band KramervsKramer thinks you guys will know this one. “This one might sound familiar,” said lead singer and guitarist Bastian Doof after strumming a random chord. “Feel free to sing along once you hear it. It’s one of our favorite songs to cover and I have a feeling you guys are going to like it too.” At press time, all 12 members of the crowd erupted into cheers after recognizing the song.
Sources report that first-year Davey Smith is planning to try human flesh for the first time at Brown’s upcoming Spring Weekend. Smith, who has never had human flesh but has always been curious, feels that the music festival is the perfect time for him to try it.
Ok, so listen, for the thing on Friday night, it’s gonna be you, me, Lisa, Devin, Grace, Mark and Chris and then we’ll each bring one other person. Won’t that be a fun mix?
We’ll need to make a run to the liquor store before then. We’ll just pay for the beer but then everybody will chip in for their own liquor.
Trying not to come on too strong, freshman Josh Maloney has reported that he’s going to hold off a couple minutes more before texting his unit mate to see if he wants to get dinner.
“I don’t want to seem overzealous so I’ll just wait it out for a little while longer,” reported Maloney.