In the midst of having a mid-college crisis, Junior Brett Stetson has bought a poster of a sports car. Stetson used to have pictures of his family on his wall, but he has since taped the new poster of a vintage 1975 Dodge Dart right on top of them.
“He realized he was halfway done with college, and that led to some existential meltdowns,” reported Horatio Blank, Stetson’s roommate.
First-Year Noah Glickman has already mastered the art of making sure the Ratty worker sitting at the front understands he’s only heading to the bathroom, and he will be right back. Glickman has surprised upperclassmen and Ratty staff alike by how quickly he’s learned the nuanced facial expressions and hand gestures along with a polite yet emphatic mouthing of the words, “I’m just going to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”
“It just came naturally,” Glickman said.
Sources report that Colby Parcheesi, that guy sitting on the Main Green with a guitar, clearly only knows how to play the G chord and nothing else.
“He started out with a nice strong G chord,” reported Katie Sweetnose, who sat down nearby to listen.
Wiggling his head a little at a jazz concert, local white man Jeff Kahn guessed he must like jazz now.
“I’ve never really been one to listen to jazz before," Kahn said, still moving his head to the beat. “But man, you should’ve seen me. My head was out of control.
Sources report that student band KramervsKramer thinks you guys will know this one. “This one might sound familiar,” said lead singer and guitarist Bastian Doof after strumming a random chord. “Feel free to sing along once you hear it. It’s one of our favorite songs to cover and I have a feeling you guys are going to like it too.” At press time, all 12 members of the crowd erupted into cheers after recognizing the song.
Sources report that first-year Davey Smith is planning to try human flesh for the first time at Brown’s upcoming Spring Weekend. Smith, who has never had human flesh but has always been curious, feels that the music festival is the perfect time for him to try it.
Ok, so listen, for the thing on Friday night, it’s gonna be you, me, Lisa, Devin, Grace, Mark and Chris and then we’ll each bring one other person. Won’t that be a fun mix?
We’ll need to make a run to the liquor store before then. We’ll just pay for the beer but then everybody will chip in for their own liquor.
Trying not to come on too strong, freshman Josh Maloney has reported that he’s going to hold off a couple minutes more before texting his unit mate to see if he wants to get dinner.
“I don’t want to seem overzealous so I’ll just wait it out for a little while longer,” reported Maloney.