Ben's articles
Having trouble talking to men on cold calls and at networking events, sensitive pre-professional boy Colin Shaw has always preferred networking with women.
“That’s just always how it’s been for me,” reported Shaw, looking down at his single painted fingernail.
Sources report that junior Brahms Stravlovsky was seen sitting in the basement of the SciLi at 3 AM doing a deep dive on Dog with a Blog’s IMDB page.
“I don’t know, it suddenly became very important that I know if the older brother from Dog with a Blog had gotten any other acting gigs,” explained Stravlovsky while scrolling through Dog with a Blog actor Blake Michael’s Google images.
Sources report that your boyfriend does not understand what you’re upset about but does, in fact, understand David Lynch’s 2001 film Mulholland Drive.
“The fact that you’re upset right now is insane to me. I’m very confident I haven’t said or done anything wrong ever,” reported your boyfriend, while scratching his itchy mustache.
Sources report that this guy on a first date loves his little brother or some other annoying bullshit like that.
“Yeah, my little brother is actually really important to me,” said Mitchell Wester, flashing a stupid smile. “He gets bullied sometimes and it’s been really hard for him and honestly, I swear, it breaks my heart.”
“We have like these inside jokes and stuff, it’s hilarious,” continued Wester, while having dumb facial hair.
Sources at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport report that the moving walkway voice is a little bit sexy.
“Oh my,” reported Sebastian Krauss, caught off guard by the sexy lady emanating from the speaker system. “That voice. That voice is doing something to me.”
“I’m not saying it’s the sexiest voice I’ve ever heard, but did they have to make it sexy at all?” added Krauss, blushing red like his fastly beating heart.
Sources in cold climates report that your friend who has been wearing a scarf this winter is not the friend you expected to wear a scarf.
“I saw Brian wearing a scarf and I thought ‘oh, that’s an odd turtleneck,’” reported Sarah Blakely, who could name at least ten other friends more likely to wear a scarf.
Mother? Mother? It’s me, Thomas. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you. It’s just – Mother. Mother, please let me speak. I’m not raising my voice Mother, I – if you would open your ears and listen to me, you would hear what I’m trying to say which is this: I’m leaving, Mother.
Sources report that Robert is not the man you thought he was. “You’ve been married to him for 27 years but his true character has only just now become apparent, and it’s not what you thought,” reported your deepest, darkest fears, confirming the worst.
Sources report that terminally-ill 87-year-old Allen Yankelberg has expressed immense regret that he did not go to one or two more productions of student theatre in his lifetime. Attending just a couple more productions of student theatre would have made all the difference and he would have been able to die a satisfied man, sources confirmed.
Sources report that Johnny Frock-Perry ’24, a member of college improv group Improvisine, is doing that voice again.
“Is he really doing that same voice again?” asked audience member Grace Vank ’23, while Frock-Perry was doing a voice that was kind of lispy but also kind of evocative of a ’40s noir detective.
Jamie Oregano, a high first-year who went to East Side Mini Mart in early September to satisfy his munchies, perished in the convenience store’s demolition. Sources say he was still deciding what to get.
“Yeah, I don’t know how we missed him,” reported Mini Mart cashier Kate Schrump, wistful for her former place of employment.
Senior Michael Tran has reported that his roommate Daniel Thomas has been staring out the window for quite some time now, concluding that maybe he should ask him if he is alright, and also if he can borrow his car.
“He does this a lot,” reported Tran, loudly blending something while Thomas had his head down on the kitchen table.
Sources report that Colby Martinson, a white student in ENGL710Z: Black Literature 1949-1963, is really going for it. “Colby normally sits in the back of the class and never participates, so when he raised his hand during a discussion of James Baldwin’s Go Tell It On The Mountain, it was quite the surprise.
Sources report that the Class of 2025 has stupidly not realized that they’re supposed to dress like their grandparents yet. Brown’s upperclassmen are eagerly waiting for them to figure it out.
“I guess these stupid kids haven’t figured out how to dress yet because they haven’t had a chance to lay eyes on us upperclassmen who are a little more experienced and in-the-know,” theorized Callum Cowcomb ‘23, who was wearing a short-sleeve button-down that was baggy, musty, and deliciously beige.
Hey, listen. We know you’ve had a crazy year and a half. You know what’s even crazier? That things are almost back to normal. But trust us: now is still the perfect time to get into competitive online mahjong.
Yeah, yeah, we know about the Delta variant.
Hold on to your miniature show ponies, boys and girls! A sonic earthquake is coming your way so you better get under a doorway or sturdy table for cover! And when I say “cover” I mean my cover. My cover of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah, that is. But don’t you worry ‘cuz this ain’t your dumb dad’s cover of Hallelujah.
According to a new study, having just one animated conversation with a worker at one of Brown University’s COVID-19 testing sites is definitive proof that you are a friendly person after all.
“These events are not flukes,” reported head researcher Dr.
Due to the ongoing pandemic, Jewish middle schoolers have missed out on the important opportunity to grind in front of their parents.
“Personally, I think I’d be an entirely different person if I hadn’t grinded on Danielle Baumstein at Ezra’s Bar Mitzvah in 2015 while my parents were somewhere nearby,” reminisced Jack Schwartzinger, still hearing “The Wobble” pulsing in his brain.
Sources report that your grandma acts that way because she’s very very sad.
“So I don’t care if you don’t want to go over there,” declares your mom, staring, unblinking, from her tired eyes. “You think she collects sticks in the backyard and stares at the decorative plants because she’s weird? No! She’s deeply depressed, Jacob."
“She’s not looking for food when she stares in the refrigerator for so long.
Customers at Trader Joe’s in Warwick, RI, report that the store’s employees seem to have some sort of lovely, close-knit community going on over there.
“I look to my right and I see one guy in a Hawaiian shirt rubbing the shoulders of another guy in a Hawaiian shirt, but it’s not sexual — it’s just nice,” said Chet Carbone, a customer reveling in all that coworker love.
Sources report that Kalen Cho, president of Brown’s Cloud Historians Club, is going to pass it over to Charlotte now.
“So if nobody has any more questions, I’m gonna pass it over to Charlotte now,” Cho announced, passing it over to Charlotte.
Sources report that mid-tier mob boss Franklin Bargetzo can only make his enemies swim with the minnows. While other mob bosses of repute and standing have famously been able to make those who cross them swim with the fishes at their weakest of whims, Bargetzo can only seem to scrape together some lowly minnows, which are the smallest of fishes.
In a statement released to the public Friday morning, it was announced that the nation’s roommates would like to know if they can take just one quick hit of that.
“It’s totally cool if we can’t, but we sure would like to,” the nation’s roommates made clear in the statement, echoing the sentiments of many statements they’ve released in the past to request just a little teeny, tiny, very fast hit of that.
Sources report that first-year Josh Badabuppi is pissed that, damn, he will no longer be able to have all that sex he was surely going to have in college because of the pandemic.
“Yeah, damn, it really sucks doesn’t it?” lamented Badabuppi, truly distressed by the thought of what he assumes are many missed opportunities, sexually.
Earlier this semester, Brown’s off-campus junior class announced their plans to add a lamp here or there, and maybe a plant. “We know things look a little barren right now,” conceded the University’s juniors, gesturing in the direction of the plantless and lampless areas of their off-campus home.
With uncertainty surrounding President Trump’s health in the wake of his coronavirus infection, Vice President Mike Pence’s programmers are reportedly rushing to add the Presidential Oath to the list of things that the Vice President can say. “We need to clear more hard drive space to make room for the oath of office!” the Vice President’s head programmer shouted to her team, frantically rerunning her code to debug Pence’s inability to repeat the oath when prompted.
Sources report that independent musical artist marc isn’t afraid to cry in front of you, baby. marc, whose new single “h0t and l0nely” is out on all music streaming services now, made the point clear in a recent press release.
“Yeah, I’ve just never really been afraid to be in touch with my emotions and it wouldn’t be any different with you, girl,” remarked marc, who wants to redefine the way we think about bedroom pop.
With the new dorm being built on 450 Brook St. nearly complete, the dorm formerly known as New Dorm has decided to now go by Ariadne. The new dorm, located across from Pembroke Field, will also be home to an integrated health and wellness center, but the health and wellness of another building has come into question.
A text message from Daniel from your anthropology class, ANTH1302: Politics and Symbols, reports that he wants to know how goes it.
“Hey this is Daniel from anthropology,” read the 12:37 AM text message, which was the first text you’ve received from Daniel since the beginning of the semester when he asked you how the exam went for you.
A Brown Concert Agency press release announced yesterday that Spring Weekend 2020 will be headlined by your dad singing Phil Collins.
“Though we’re heartbroken that we had to cancel this year’s in-person performance, we’re still very excited to announce that this year’s Spring Weekend lineup will be led by your dad singing all of Phil Collins’ greatest hits,” BCA wrote in the release.
Ah, welcome. Welcome to my dirty, dirty sleeping lair. What brings you through here, weary traveler? Surely, you are lost. Another soul hasn’t set foot in here for at least, I don’t know, probably a couple weeks, I guess. But fear not, young one! You’ll get used to the smell.
Sources report that buying Stacy’s Pita Chips from the Blue Room offers patrons a genuine taste of the Mediterranean. “I’ve seen the searing blue sea off the coast of Santorini, I’ve drunk wine on the beaches of the Cinque Terre, but I’ve never felt more, shall I say, Medditeranean, than when I’m eating Stacy’s Pita Chips, which contain real sea salt,” declared Bernard Swifty ’21, reveling in the transportative qualities of the chip.
A new report published by science has found that there is a strong correlation between the amount of NPR Tiny Desk Concert videos one has watched and how much that person fucks like a champ. The report finds that this correlation can be found among a variety of different but connected metrics.
Sources report that Brown Daily Herald staff writer Freddy Buckwheat is still wearing a journalist costume weeks after Halloween has ended. Friends and family are concerned that Freddy may be having trouble separating reality and fantasy.
“I’m a little worried about him," reported Buckwheat’s friend and roommate, Frank Calizoni.
Sources report that the University has decided that Reading Period will officially be renamed the Cornelius Reading Period, after Cornelius Reading ‘53, of the Reading Railroad Company, who just donated a large sum of money to the University. “We’ve decided to honor Cornelius Reading’s generous gift to the university by renaming Reading Period the Cornelius Reading Period,” announced Kelly Bowden, a University representative.
Kyle doesn’t have any final exams but he does have some essays, according to his friends who are STEM concentrators. “Yeah, I’m just not in any classes that have exams,” noted Kyle, an English concentrator who, while his friends have one or even many final exams, just has some essays to write.
Ah, crap. Sorry, dude. That was way off. I don’t know what’s up with me today. My forehand’s usually pretty tight. This is so weird. Maybe I’ll just stick to the backhand. The old trusty backhand, she never fails me.
Fuck, now even my backhand’s failing me, haha.
Sources report that Bart Becker, who was seen holding the bluetooth speaker playing music for the entire party, has never known a power such as this.
“At first, I was just holding it on my cheek to feel the vibration because that shit rocks,” noted Becker.
Sources report that Jarvis Storkin’s new wooden antique bedside table really pulls his cinderblock dorm room together. The bedside table reportedly transformed a cold room with cheap posters on the wall into a real home.
“I saw it on the side of the road and I just knew that it was the last piece I needed to finish decorating my room,” sad Storkin, admiring the deep mahogany shades of the table against the hideous white paint chipping off his walls.
Sources report that Bobby has to stop by this other thing first, but he’ll meet us there. While originally Bobby, Caitlyn, Vanessa, and Carlos were going to go Alex’s party together after pregaming in Vanessa’s room, right when they were about to leave, Bobby unexpectedly announced that he needed to stop by Mark’s room because he promised he would.
Hey Buzzy, It’s me, your Cousin Tony! C’mon, don’t tell me you don’t remember your Cousin Tony! I remember when you used to be a little kid kicking a soccer ball around. But you’re not that little anymore, are you Buzzy? No, you’re not.
As the Dean of Admission here at Brown University, it is my distinct pleasure each year to be able to get to know the incoming first-years through their applications. There is nothing more fascinating than being able to see how the groups of students change each year.
In the midst of having a mid-college crisis, Junior Brett Stetson has bought a poster of a sports car. Stetson used to have pictures of his family on his wall, but he has since taped the new poster of a vintage 1975 Dodge Dart right on top of them.
“He realized he was halfway done with college, and that led to some existential meltdowns,” reported Horatio Blank, Stetson’s roommate.
First-Year Noah Glickman has already mastered the art of making sure the Ratty worker sitting at the front understands he’s only heading to the bathroom, and he will be right back. Glickman has surprised upperclassmen and Ratty staff alike by how quickly he’s learned the nuanced facial expressions and hand gestures along with a polite yet emphatic mouthing of the words, “I’m just going to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”
“It just came naturally,” Glickman said.
Sources report that Colby Parcheesi, that guy sitting on the Main Green with a guitar, clearly only knows how to play the G chord and nothing else.
“He started out with a nice strong G chord,” reported Katie Sweetnose, who sat down nearby to listen.
Wiggling his head a little at a jazz concert, local white man Jeff Kahn guessed he must like jazz now.
“I’ve never really been one to listen to jazz before," Kahn said, still moving his head to the beat. “But man, you should’ve seen me. My head was out of control.
Sources report that student band KramervsKramer thinks you guys will know this one. “This one might sound familiar,” said lead singer and guitarist Bastian Doof after strumming a random chord. “Feel free to sing along once you hear it. It’s one of our favorite songs to cover and I have a feeling you guys are going to like it too.” At press time, all 12 members of the crowd erupted into cheers after recognizing the song.
Sources report that first-year Davey Smith is planning to try human flesh for the first time at Brown’s upcoming Spring Weekend. Smith, who has never had human flesh but has always been curious, feels that the music festival is the perfect time for him to try it.
Ok, so listen, for the thing on Friday night, it’s gonna be you, me, Lisa, Devin, Grace, Mark and Chris and then we’ll each bring one other person. Won’t that be a fun mix?
We’ll need to make a run to the liquor store before then. We’ll just pay for the beer but then everybody will chip in for their own liquor.
Trying not to come on too strong, freshman Josh Maloney has reported that he’s going to hold off a couple minutes more before texting his unit mate to see if he wants to get dinner.
“I don’t want to seem overzealous so I’ll just wait it out for a little while longer,” reported Maloney.
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