Tuesday, August 4, 2020
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The Brown Noser

Ben Shrock


Ben's articles

Report: Daniel From Anthropology Wants To Know How Goes It | Apr 24 2020

A text message from Daniel from your anthropology class, ANTH1302: Politics and Symbols, reports that he wants to know how goes it. “Hey this is Daniel from anthropology,” read the 12:37 AM text message, which was the first text you’ve received from Daniel since the beginning of the semester when he asked you how the exam went for you.

Report: Spring Weekend Now Headlined By Your Dad Singing Phil Collins | Apr 24 2020

A Brown Concert Agency press release announced yesterday that Spring Weekend 2020 will be headlined by your dad singing Phil Collins. “Though we’re heartbroken that we had to cancel this year’s in-person performance, we’re still very excited to announce that this year’s Spring Weekend lineup will be led by your dad singing all of Phil Collins’ greatest hits,” BCA wrote in the release.

Welcome To My Dirty Dirty Sleeping Lair, Can I Offer You A Corn Chip? | Apr 24 2020

Ah, welcome. Welcome to my dirty, dirty sleeping lair. What brings you through here, weary traveler? Surely, you are lost. Another soul hasn’t set foot in here for at least, I don’t know, probably a couple weeks, I guess. But fear not, young one! You’ll get used to the smell.

Stacy's Pita Chips From Blue Room Offer Genuine Taste Of The Mediterranean | Mar 06 2020

Sources report that buying Stacy’s Pita Chips from the Blue Room offers patrons a genuine taste of the Mediterranean. “I’ve seen the searing blue sea off the coast of Santorini, I’ve drunk wine on the beaches of the Cinque Terre, but I’ve never felt more, shall I say, Medditeranean, than when I’m eating Stacy’s Pita Chips, which contain real sea salt,” declared Bernard Swifty ’21, reveling in the transportative qualities of the chip.

Science Reports Correlation Between Amount Of Tiny Desk Videos Watched And How Much You Fuck Like A Champ | Mar 06 2020

A new report published by science has found that there is a strong correlation between the amount of NPR Tiny Desk Concert videos one has watched and how much that person fucks like a champ. The report finds that this correlation can be found among a variety of different but connected metrics.

BDH Reporter Still Wearing Their Journalist Halloween Costume Weeks Later | Dec 06 2019

Sources report that Brown Daily Herald staff writer Freddy Buckwheat is still wearing a journalist costume weeks after Halloween has ended. Friends and family are concerned that Freddy may be having trouble separating reality and fantasy. “I’m a little worried about him," reported Buckwheat’s friend and roommate, Frank Calizoni.

Reading Period To Now Be Called the Cornelius Reading Period, After Donation From Railroad Tycoon Cornelius Reading | Dec 06 2019

Sources report that the University has decided that Reading Period will officially be renamed the Cornelius Reading Period, after Cornelius Reading ‘53, of the Reading Railroad Company, who just donated a large sum of money to the University. “We’ve decided to honor Cornelius Reading’s generous gift to the university by renaming Reading Period the Cornelius Reading Period,” announced Kelly Bowden, a University representative.

Report: Kyle Doesn't Have Final Exams But He Does Have Essays | Dec 06 2019

Kyle doesn’t have any final exams but he does have some essays, according to his friends who are STEM concentrators. “Yeah, I’m just not in any classes that have exams,” noted Kyle, an English concentrator who, while his friends have one or even many final exams, just has some essays to write.

Aw Man, My Bad. I Don't Know What's Up With Me Today by The Guy You're Throwing A Frisbee With | Dec 06 2019

Ah, crap. Sorry, dude. That was way off. I don’t know what’s up with me today. My forehand’s usually pretty tight. This is so weird. Maybe I’ll just stick to the backhand. The old trusty backhand, she never fails me. Fuck, now even my backhand’s failing me, haha.

Guy Holding Bluetooth Speaker At Party Has Never Known A Power Such As This | Oct 25 2019

Sources report that Bart Becker, who was seen holding the bluetooth speaker playing music for the entire party, has never known a power such as this. “At first, I was just holding it on my cheek to feel the vibration because that shit rocks,” noted Becker.

Wooden Antique Bedside Table Really Pulls Cinderblock Dorm Room Together | Oct 25 2019

Sources report that Jarvis Storkin’s new wooden antique bedside table really pulls his cinderblock dorm room together. The bedside table reportedly transformed a cold room with cheap posters on the wall into a real home. “I saw it on the side of the road and I just knew that it was the last piece I needed to finish decorating my room,” sad Storkin, admiring the deep mahogany shades of the table against the hideous white paint chipping off his walls.

Report: Bobby Has To Stop By This Other Thing First But He'll Meet Us There | Oct 25 2019

Sources report that Bobby has to stop by this other thing first, but he’ll meet us there. While originally Bobby, Caitlyn, Vanessa, and Carlos were going to go Alex’s party together after pregaming in Vanessa’s room, right when they were about to leave, Bobby unexpectedly announced that he needed to stop by Mark’s room because he promised he would.

Hey Buzzy, It's Me, Your Cousin Tony by Cousin Tony | Oct 25 2019

Hey Buzzy, It’s me, your Cousin Tony! C’mon, don’t tell me you don’t remember your Cousin Tony! I remember when you used to be a little kid kicking a soccer ball around. But you’re not that little anymore, are you Buzzy? No, you’re not.

If You Like The Open Curriculum So Much Why Don't You Marry It? By Dean of Admission Logan Powell | Oct 25 2019

As the Dean of Admission here at Brown University, it is my distinct pleasure each year to be able to get to know the incoming first-years through their applications. There is nothing more fascinating than being able to see how the groups of students change each year.

Junior Having Mid-College Crisis Buys Poster Of Sports Car | Sep 13 2019

In the midst of having a mid-college crisis, Junior Brett Stetson has bought a poster of a sports car. Stetson used to have pictures of his family on his wall, but he has since taped the new poster of a vintage 1975 Dodge Dart right on top of them. “He realized he was halfway done with college, and that led to some existential meltdowns,” reported Horatio Blank, Stetson’s roommate.

Prodigy First-Year Has Already Mastered Art Of Making Sure Ratty Worker Understands He's Just Gonna Head To The Bathroom And Will Be Right Back | Sep 13 2019

First-Year Noah Glickman has already mastered the art of making sure the Ratty worker sitting at the front understands he’s only heading to the bathroom, and he will be right back. Glickman has surprised upperclassmen and Ratty staff alike by how quickly he’s learned the nuanced facial expressions and hand gestures along with a polite yet emphatic mouthing of the words, “I’m just going to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” “It just came naturally,” Glickman said.

Guy With Guitar On Main Green Definitely Only Knows G Chord | Sep 13 2019

Sources report that Colby Parcheesi, that guy sitting on the Main Green with a guitar, clearly only knows how to play the G chord and nothing else. “He started out with a nice strong G chord,” reported Katie Sweetnose, who sat down nearby to listen.

White Man Wiggling Head At Jazz Concert Guesses He Likes Jazz Now | Apr 19 2019

Wiggling his head a little at a jazz concert, local white man Jeff Kahn guessed he must like jazz now. “I’ve never really been one to listen to jazz before," Kahn said, still moving his head to the beat. “But man, you should’ve seen me. My head was out of control.

Student Band Thinks You Guys Will Know This One | Apr 19 2019

Sources report that student band KramervsKramer thinks you guys will know this one. “This one might sound familiar,” said lead singer and guitarist Bastian Doof after strumming a random chord. “Feel free to sing along once you hear it. It’s one of our favorite songs to cover and I have a feeling you guys are going to like it too.” At press time, all 12 members of the crowd erupted into cheers after recognizing the song.

Freshman Planning to Try Human Flesh For the First Time This Spring Weekend | Mar 08 2019

Sources report that first-year Davey Smith is planning to try human flesh for the first time at Brown’s upcoming Spring Weekend. Smith, who has never had human flesh but has always been curious, feels that the music festival is the perfect time for him to try it.

Ok, So Listen, It’s Gonna Be You, Me, Lisa, Devin, Grace, Mark, and Chris and Then We’ll Each Bring One Other Person, It’ll Be Such a Fun Mix | Mar 08 2019

Ok, so listen, for the thing on Friday night, it’s gonna be you, me, Lisa, Devin, Grace, Mark and Chris and then we’ll each bring one other person. Won’t that be a fun mix? We’ll need to make a run to the liquor store before then. We’ll just pay for the beer but then everybody will chip in for their own liquor.

Kid On Swings At Recess Must Have Gentle Soul | Dec 07 2018


Freshman Going To Hold Off For A Couple More Minutes Before Texting Unit-Mate About Dinner | Oct 26 2018

Trying not to come on too strong, freshman Josh Maloney has reported that he’s going to hold off a couple minutes more before texting his unit mate to see if he wants to get dinner. “I don’t want to seem overzealous so I’ll just wait it out for a little while longer,” reported Maloney.