Friday, September 20, 2019
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The Brown Noser

Ben Shrock

Writer

Ben's articles

Junior Having Mid-College Crisis Buys Poster Of Sports Car | Sep 13 2019

In the midst of having a mid-college crisis, Junior Brett Stetson has bought a poster of a sports car. Stetson used to have pictures of his family on his wall, but he has since taped the new poster of a vintage 1975 Dodge Dart right on top of them. “He realized he was halfway done with college, and that led to some existential meltdowns,” reported Horatio Blank, Stetson’s roommate.

Prodigy First-Year Has Already Mastered Art Of Making Sure Ratty Worker Understands He's Just Gonna Head To The Bathroom And Will Be Right Back | Sep 13 2019

First-Year Noah Glickman has already mastered the art of making sure the Ratty worker sitting at the front understands he’s only heading to the bathroom, and he will be right back. Glickman has surprised upperclassmen and Ratty staff alike by how quickly he’s learned the nuanced facial expressions and hand gestures along with a polite yet emphatic mouthing of the words, “I’m just going to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” “It just came naturally,” Glickman said.

Guy With Guitar On Main Green Definitely Only Knows G Chord | Sep 13 2019

Sources report that Colby Parcheesi, that guy sitting on the Main Green with a guitar, clearly only knows how to play the G chord and nothing else. “He started out with a nice strong G chord,” reported Katie Sweetnose, who sat down nearby to listen.

White Man Wiggling Head At Jazz Concert Guesses He Likes Jazz Now | Apr 19 2019

Wiggling his head a little at a jazz concert, local white man Jeff Kahn guessed he must like jazz now. “I’ve never really been one to listen to jazz before," Kahn said, still moving his head to the beat. “But man, you should’ve seen me. My head was out of control.

Student Band Thinks You Guys Will Know This One | Apr 19 2019

Sources report that student band KramervsKramer thinks you guys will know this one. “This one might sound familiar,” said lead singer and guitarist Bastian Doof after strumming a random chord. “Feel free to sing along once you hear it. It’s one of our favorite songs to cover and I have a feeling you guys are going to like it too.” At press time, all 12 members of the crowd erupted into cheers after recognizing the song.

Freshman Planning to Try Human Flesh For the First Time This Spring Weekend | Mar 08 2019

Sources report that first-year Davey Smith is planning to try human flesh for the first time at Brown’s upcoming Spring Weekend. Smith, who has never had human flesh but has always been curious, feels that the music festival is the perfect time for him to try it.

Ok, So Listen, It’s Gonna Be You, Me, Lisa, Devin, Grace, Mark, and Chris and Then We’ll Each Bring One Other Person, It’ll Be Such a Fun Mix | Mar 08 2019

Ok, so listen, for the thing on Friday night, it’s gonna be you, me, Lisa, Devin, Grace, Mark and Chris and then we’ll each bring one other person. Won’t that be a fun mix? We’ll need to make a run to the liquor store before then. We’ll just pay for the beer but then everybody will chip in for their own liquor.

Kid On Swings At Recess Must Have Gentle Soul | Dec 07 2018

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Freshman Going To Hold Off For A Couple More Minutes Before Texting Unit-Mate About Dinner | Oct 26 2018

Trying not to come on too strong, freshman Josh Maloney has reported that he’s going to hold off a couple minutes more before texting his unit mate to see if he wants to get dinner. “I don’t want to seem overzealous so I’ll just wait it out for a little while longer,” reported Maloney.