“Citizens! Heed my command and this state of emergency will be over expediently,” announced Campbell’s t-shirt from the Warwick, RI Target, in a voice booming and terrible. “Remain composed. Do as I say and there will be no need to be afraid!”

“Now, break all pencils over the knee until wood and graphite litter the Earth!” continued the t-shirt, which issued the mandate with a force so powerful it captivated and comforted all who heard it. “Burn your lab reports! Shun your annotated paperback of The Scarlet Letter! Throw your geometry textbook into the ash heap of history! A new dawn has arrived! Rejoice! Rejoice!”

At press time, crowds of teary-eyed citizens waited with bated breath as Campbell changed into a new shirt which announced that a sarcastic comment was loading.