“I’m glad we’re finally putting our foot down. Way too many kids were flocking around here, drifting away from the Comforts and Harvest sections. Someone had to put a stop to it,” asserted Janet Williams, manager of the Kosher section, as she swatted away a student’s hand as they got too close to the counter. “Some may say these new practices are extreme. I say they can have that slop over in the Allergen-Free section.”

“My friends kept telling me that I was way too old to be getting a circumcision. Apparently, it’s a lot more painful as an adult,” claimed Andy Carlson ‘27, a loyal patron of the dining hall, wincing as he shuffled towards his favorite spot at the Ratty. “Clearly, they’ve never had the Kosher section’s delectable latkes or za’atar pita. Mmmm, worth every drop of blood.”

At press time, the CIT required an active CS login, registration to a CS class, and no showers in the prior week.