Sunday, May 19, 2024
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

Satvik Narang

Writer

Satvik's articles

Fifth-Year Master’s Student Walks Into Grad Center Bar Like Notorious Gunfighter Back In Saloon For One Last Rodeo | May 03 2024

Reports indicate that fifth-year master’s student Jake Richardson strode into the Grad Center Bar last Friday like a notorious gunfighter back in the saloon for one last rodeo. “Here we go again,” grumbled the bartender as Richardson reportedly pushed through the door with his eyes scanning the room like a seasoned outlaw surveying his old stomping grounds.

Sole Regular Survey Participant Now Owner of 17 JBL Flip Speakers | Mar 15 2024

Sources report that the only regular participant in Brown Dining Services’ online surveys now owns 17 JBL Flip Speakers. “I don’t mean to be unappreciative. When I won my first speaker, I was actually really happy. They’re loud, waterproof, and portable.

Frat Rush Involves Silly Icebreaker, Homoerotically Murdering Moose | Mar 15 2024

Recent reports reveal that Sigma Theta Delta’s rush process involves fun activities such as a silly icebreaker game, recording an embarrassing video, and homoerotically murdering a moose. “It really caught me off guard. In the first round, they just gathered us in an auditorium and asked us to introduce ourselves in a unique way,” explained Byron Jameson ‘27, a prospective member of Sigma Theta Delta.

Destitute Brown Concert Agency Reminds Students That The Music Is All Around Us, All You Have To Do Is Listen | Mar 15 2024

Still reeling from the backlash of the single-day spring weekend, the Brown Concert Agency, in a recent Instagram post, implored students to remember that the music is all around us, all we have to do is listen. “In the quiet moments of introspection, we realize that music is not just an art form but the very essence of being, swirling around us in an invisible ballet, inviting us to close our eyes and listen to the harmony of the spheres,” posited Davidson as he sat on the Main Green and listened for birds.

Second Cousin Once Removed Begs Not To Be Removed Again | Oct 27 2023

Upon learning that his relation to his second cousin was once removed, area man Jake Bennett pleaded not to be removed again. “What do you mean ‘once removed’? This is outrageous! My devotion to the Bennett family has been unwavering. Who the hell’s in charge of these removals anyway? Is it Aunt Claire? I bet it’s Aunt Claire,” said Bennett as he wiped tears off his phone.

Cloaked Real Estate Agent Clearly Trying to Sell You Monster House | Oct 27 2023

Sources report that cloaked real estate agent, Mortimer Gage, is clearly trying to sell you the monster house from the 2006 classic Monster House. “The house actually has a wealth of history. Also, as you can see, there’s lots of direct sunlight throughout the day,” pointed out Gage, shrouded in a black cloak that seemed to absorb all light and joy as he gestured to the shriveled trees in the front yard.

Plant-Based Milk Offers Additional Nutrients and Is Also More Hydrating! by Lazy Cow | Oct 27 2023

Most people don’t know this, but plant-based milk actually offers a plethora of benefits that dairy milk simply doesn’t! Also, today’s just not a good day for me—I’m a bit tied up with meetings. There are so many options to choose from.