Satvik's articles
Sources from your new barbershop indicate that the barber is going to take one look at your hair and question your previous barber’s skill, training, equipment, diligence, rigor, honor, and integrity.
“Son, you didn’t get your hair cut in these parts the last time around, did you? I’ve been in this business since before you were born, and this is the most atrocious cut I’ve ever had the displeasure of encountering,” declared veteran barber Joseph Doyle as he hacked off as much hair as he could get his hands on.
Sources report that the TA for PHIL 0210: Early Modern Philosophy is guiding students to answers by stroking their chins for them.
“I’m not sure how I feel about it. I tried my best to answer the question, but he just sighed and told me I’d never unfurl the Gordian knot of mortality without committing physically,” admitted Brianna Adams ‘27 as her TA moved his thumb and index finger up and down her chin.
After extensive research and testing, experts report that the John Carter Brown Library can only be entered by direct descendants of John Carter Brown.
“I’ve spent my entire time at Brown trying to get just a glimpse behind those doors. No matter what I do, I just can’t get within 10 feet of the entrance.
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Brett Smiley has engaged in heated negotiations with Senator Arnold Growly to champion a bill aimed at fostering equitable happiness in Frown Town.
“It’s about setting a standard of happiness that every citizen not only deserves but should expect from their community,” explained Mayor Smiley in a recent City Council briefing as he distributed gold star stickers to all the attendees for being such involved citizens.
Doctors at St Anne’s Hospital reported that Zimbabwean Wesley Bennet, who claims he feels “like a million dollars,” is actually quite unwell.
“His family seems hopeful after hearing the news, but I really don’t think they’re accounting for inflation.
According to attendees of the Cannes Film Festival, visionary director Jacques Bijoux’s latest avante-garde film received a record-shattering 23-minute-long standing ovation, which further received an 8-minute-long standing ovation.
“That was a transcendent experience,” claimed long-time standing ovation enthusiast Peter Greene, as he wiped blood off his raw, blistered palms.
Sources report that the magnitude of crisis required for reputed outdoorsman Todd Grimes to suggest consuming his own urine is suspiciously low.
“There was really no need at all,” complained fellow explorer Ridge Carson, recounting an incident where Grimes suggested urine consumption barely an hour into a leisurely trail walk.
Reports indicate that fifth-year master’s student Jake Richardson strode into the Grad Center Bar last Friday like a notorious gunfighter back in the saloon for one last rodeo.
“Here we go again,” grumbled the bartender as Richardson reportedly pushed through the door with his eyes scanning the room like a seasoned outlaw surveying his old stomping grounds.
Sources report that the only regular participant in Brown Dining Services’ online surveys now owns 17 JBL Flip Speakers.
“I don’t mean to be unappreciative. When I won my first speaker, I was actually really happy. They’re loud, waterproof, and portable.
Recent reports reveal that Sigma Theta Delta’s rush process involves fun activities such as a silly icebreaker game, recording an embarrassing video, and homoerotically murdering a moose.
“It really caught me off guard. In the first round, they just gathered us in an auditorium and asked us to introduce ourselves in a unique way,” explained Byron Jameson ‘27, a prospective member of Sigma Theta Delta.
Still reeling from the backlash of the single-day spring weekend, the Brown Concert Agency, in a recent Instagram post, implored students to remember that the music is all around us, all we have to do is listen.
“In the quiet moments of introspection, we realize that music is not just an art form but the very essence of being, swirling around us in an invisible ballet, inviting us to close our eyes and listen to the harmony of the spheres,” posited Davidson as he sat on the Main Green and listened for birds.
Sources report that Mail Services has purchased a brand new 60” LG 8K OLED smart TV with built-in AI-powered webOS for displaying queued-up music in the mail room.
“We felt that informing students of what songs are up next will definitely ensure the smooth operation of the mail room,” said a representative of Mail Services before screaming out a student’s name.
Upon learning that his relation to his second cousin was once removed, area man Jake Bennett pleaded not to be removed again. “What do you mean ‘once removed’? This is outrageous! My devotion to the Bennett family has been unwavering. Who the hell’s in charge of these removals anyway? Is it Aunt Claire? I bet it’s Aunt Claire,” said Bennett as he wiped tears off his phone.
Sources report that cloaked real estate agent, Mortimer Gage, is clearly trying to sell you the monster house from the 2006 classic Monster House.
“The house actually has a wealth of history. Also, as you can see, there’s lots of direct sunlight throughout the day,” pointed out Gage, shrouded in a black cloak that seemed to absorb all light and joy as he gestured to the shriveled trees in the front yard.
Most people don’t know this, but plant-based milk actually offers a plethora of benefits that dairy milk simply doesn’t! Also, today’s just not a good day for me—I’m a bit tied up with meetings.
There are so many options to choose from.
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