“Alright, Chris, you just gotta sit through a few speeches, say some shit someone wrote for you, and then this waste of time will be over and done,” said President Paxson softly in the upper Salomon lecture hall at the beginning of the ceremony that lasted no more than 45 minutes. “Really, what the hell are these people still doing here anyway? If it were up to me, we’d just send them an email with confetti animation or some shit.”

“Congratulations to the Class of 22.5!” Paxson later said with feigned enthusiasm as she began her speech, barely resisting the urge to roll her eyes. “You really, um, did great. We’re so proud and, well, you’re almost gone!”

According to the student speakers sitting near Paxson on the stage, the president nearly lost it when someone began reading every mid-year graduate’s name.

“Are they seriously gonna list off fucking everyone? My lord, who cares?” said Paxson to herself at a normal speaking level while visibly slumped in her chair. “Can’t we just say ‘hooray’ and be done with this? I have more important things to do than clap for this cavalcade of randos.”

At press time, Paxson began an official review into the school’s generous leave-taking policy, with the apparent motivation of never having to attend the ceremony again.