“I thought working in a lighthouse was going to be all glitz and glam,” explained Wade. “The lightbulb is so big I thought turning it on would never get old. But turns out it got old after like four times,” said Wade, as he let a ship get frighteningly close to the craggy shore, sighed, and reluctantly flicked on the lightbulb.

Though Wade maintains that his newfound ritual of letting ships sail inches away from death is harmless, others are less sympathetic. “No one wants to dock in Wade’s harbor,” said local seafarer Chris Davis. “What he does is so dangerous. His is the only lighthouse for miles, so he knows we have no choice but to dock here. He’s toying with us.”

At press time, Wade could be seen shivering with excitement while watching a YouTube video titled “boats being smashed to shards.”