Friday, October 20, 2017
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The Brown Noser

Ryan Cruise

Writer

Ryan's articles

Student Film Exhibits Bad Production Values, Overarching Message | Apr 21 2017

Exhibiting shaky camera work and a muddled, wrong-headed theme, a student film exhibited at the Ottawa Film Festival not only treated audiences to an exhibition of bad production values, but a terrible overarching message as well, sources reported Tuesday.

Gross Middle School Cafeteria Working Double Duty As Filthy Middle School Auditorium | Apr 21 2017

Folding up a disgusting table to make room for even more disgusting folding chairs, Jefferson Prep principal Margaret Olsen transformed the gross middle school cafeteria into a filthy middle school auditorium sources reported Tuesday. “Ideally an auditorium wouldn’t be this sticky,” said Olsen, trying to get the dust out of the clearly unsalvageable curtains hanging at the back of the stage that also serves as the area for all the kids to set their lunch boxes before recess.

“Ace Of Cakes Chef Must Just Live In Big Cake By Now,” Thinks Local Woman | Apr 21 2017

Stating that chef Duff Goldman from Food Network’s “Ace Of Cakes” must have really taken things to the next level by now, local woman Jessica Ramirez figures that the guy is probably living in a big cake at this point, sources reported Monday.

Report: All Airline Passengers Gross In His Or Her Own Way | Apr 21 2017

According to a report released Monday by the Federal Aviation Administration, every person on all domestic and international flights is gross in his or her own way. “When we first began our research, we knew that a lot of people on airplanes were gross,” said Michael Huerta, head of the FAA.

Local Man Only Brushing Teeth At 30% Intensity This Morning | Apr 21 2017

Sighing at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, local man Todd Christopher was only able to muster 30% intensity while brushing his teeth this morning. Sources report that Christopher barely wet his toothbrush and didn’t attempt to squeeze more toothpaste out of the container when most of it fell off the brush into the sink.

Clark Kent Runs Away Every Time Something Scary Happens And It’s Starting To Make Me Think He’s A Big Coward By Jimmy Olson | Apr 21 2017

Clark Kent is my best friend. He’s a really good guy and a talented reporter, but recently a lot of bad things have been happening all over Metropolis, and every time something scary happens, Clark bolts. I don’t see him again until the city is safe and the threat is gone.

Hey Professor, I Can’t Make It Today Because I’m Sick… Sick Of Your Bullshit! | Apr 21 2017

Hi Professor Richardson, I just wanted to let you know that unfortunately I won’t be in class today because I’m sick… sick of your BULLSHIT. I woke up feeling okay, but as the day went on and it got closer and closer to class time, I remembered that I would have to listen to you talk for fifty minutes, and illness overcame me.

Guy Writing Wikipedia Article For Dabbing Clearly In Dark Place | Apr 21 2017

Meticulously researching the dispute between Skippa Da Flippa and Migos over who originated the dance, Harris Richardson, the man writing the Wikipedia article for dabbing, is obviously in a dark place sources reported Thursday. According to friends, Richardson has been sporadically checking the Wikipedia page for “Dab (dance)” all week in an effort to ensure that it’s as up-to-date and comprehensive as possible – an obvious sign that things have not been going well at work.

Report: Everyone With “Swell” Water Bottles A Little Too Into Them | Apr 21 2017

Explaining that they aren’t that great, a report released by Stanford University confirms that everyone who has a “Swell” water bottle is a little too into it. In preparing the report, researchers spoke to hundreds of users of the product, finding that they were all just as annoying about it as you would expect.

Crosswalk Sign Changes From “Walk” To “Don’t Walk” Unbelievably Fast | Apr 21 2017

Catching pedestrians off guard and confusing the flow of foot traffic, sources report that one crosswalk sign on Maple St. changes from “walk” to “don’t walk” unbelievably fast. “I started walking right when the ‘walk’ sign came up,” said pedestrian Steph Moore as she did a little jog to hurry across the road in time while also waving and mouthing “sorry” to a car waiting at the light.

Guy Preparing To Share In Creative Writing Class Prefaces Work With Five Hundred Caveats | Mar 17 2017

Frantically spewing excuses and desperately avoiding the inevitable, sophomore Bryan Carroll prefaced sharing his creative writing in a workshop class with 500 caveats. “I just want everyone to know that I didn’t know the deadline for this assignment was today so I just wrote this really fast before class started,” said Carroll, hoping that his classmates would not see through his paper-thin excuse.

Brown Admirers Post Clearly Written By Subject | Mar 17 2017

Filled with way too much detail about his life and exhibiting outlandish praise, a Brown Admirers post to William Jacobs was clearly written by Jacobs himself sources report. Jacobs commented on the post almost instantly, before anyone even had a chance to tag him in the comments, writing “Thanks so much!!! Needed this more than you know,” and went on to pen a long paragraph about all of the hard work he had been doing, concluding with an over the top thank you to the “anonymous” admirer.

Report: UFB Meeting Best Place On Campus To Simulate Getting Turned Down For A Loan | Mar 17 2017

Stating that no other club on campus could discourage and demoralize students on such a fundamental level, a report released Wednesday concluded that Undergraduate Finance Board meetings are the best place at Brown to simulate applying for and getting rejected for a loan.

Guy Who Said Joke Too Quietly Watches Helplessly As Guy Who Repeated It Louder Gets All The Credit | Mar 17 2017

Silently staring at the ground and kicking himself for not asserting himself, local man Stan Leonard watched powerlessly as the guy who repeated his joke louder and more confidently got all the credit. “I knew it was funny,” said Leonard about his joke commenting on the current political climate.

High School Drama Teacher Stresses Over Whether To Cast Cameron Or Matt C. As Danny Zuko | Mar 17 2017

Changing his mind over and over again and weighing all of the pros and cons, high school drama teacher Ken Lassen stressed over whether to cast Cameron or Matt C. in the Hamilton Preparatory High School production of Grease. “Matt C. has an amazing singing voice, but Cameron has gone to dance camp at the local community college for three consecutive summers,” Lassen said, gazing at makeshift headshots of the boys that he took in the school’s cafeteria.

Report: Boba Perfect Solution For People Who Want One Hundred Slime Balls In Their Tea | Mar 17 2017

A report released by the US Department of Agriculture on Wednesday concluded that boba is the perfect solution for consumers interested in having one hundred little balls of slime in their tea. “The demand for slime balls has never been higher and boba is the only viable solution,” reads the introduction of the report, which goes on to explain that people will actually pay extra for the slime balls to avoid drinking a normal cup of tea.

Area Man's Day Ruined After Accidentally Seeing Own Reflection | Mar 17 2017

Accidentally glancing at his own reflection in a store window, local man Paul Gregory’s day was immediately ruined. “Usually I do a lot of psyching myself up before looking in the mirror,” said Gregory, sitting on a park bench with his head in his hands.

One Guy In Frat Disrespectful To Women, Even By Frat’s Standards | Mar 17 2017

Explaining that his fellow fraternity brother really crossed the line by calling a girl a bitch to her face instead of behind her back, Kevin Helton confirmed that his Kappa Alpha brother William Staghouse is disrespectful to women, even by the fraternity’s low standards.

Third Grader's Lemonade Stand Hemorrhaging Money | Mar 17 2017

Giving patrons way too much change and drinking most of the lemonade himself, third grader Aiden Lassiter runs a lemonade stand that has been hemorrhaging money. Despite his best efforts, Lassiter has failed to attract the necessary customers to turn a profit on the $5 his mom lent him to buy a box of Country Time Lemonade mix.

Explorer Mistaking Creature's Mouth For Big Cave In For Quite The Surprise | Mar 17 2017

Mistaking saliva for cave slime and teeth for stalagmites, explorer Richard Winston was in for a big surprise Saturday as he entered a creature’s mouth thinking it was a big cave. “There sure is a warm, wet draft in this big cavern,” Winston said, struggling to keep his footing on the creature’s wiggling tongue and grasping for a handhold on the creature’s slippery cheeks.

Toddler Brushes Dog's Fur Against The Grain Like Some Kind Of Idiot | Mar 17 2017

Grinding her hand uncomfortably across her family’s golden retriever, local toddler Mary Phillips was petting the dog’s fur against the grain like an absolute moron. “It’s hard to watch,” said Phillips’s mother Jeanne, while her daughter smiled and laughed as if petting the dog this way was a completely normal thing to do.

Girl At Nelson Simultaneously Running And Reading Like Some Kind Of Terminator Cyborg | Dec 09 2016

Simultaneously running on the treadmill and reading a chemistry textbook while at the Nelson, witnesses report that junior Sharon Collins looked like some kind of terminator cyborg. “When she got here she just balanced her book on the treadmill’s display and started jogging and reading at the same time like it was no biggie,” said gym goer Sam Koche, as he watched the display of his own treadmill intently, counting down the seconds until his workout would end.

Modern Day Goof Keeps 3D-Printing His Butt | Dec 09 2016

Giggling as he adjusted the print settings on his 3D-printer, modern day goof Jeff Mellman spent all day Friday 3D-printing copies of his butt. “To me, there is nothing funnier than giving that classic prank a 21st century upgrade” said Mellman, adding that he plans on placing his sleeping friend’s hand in a warm glass of Soylent later.

Cheeky 911 Operator Keeps Pretending To Be Answering Machine When People Call | Dec 09 2016

Struggling to muffle his giggles, cheeky 911 operator Tim McGown repeatedly pretended to be an answering machine recording while responding to emergency calls on Monday. “You’ve reached the mailbox of the police, please leave a message after the beep.

Everyone At Airport There To Catch A Lover Before They Board A Flight To Paris | Dec 09 2016

Sources at JFK International Airport report that everyone there is desperately trying to catch a lover before they board a flight to Paris. “I can’t let Jennifer go,” said airport goer and lover Matt Graves as he jumped over a security conveyer belt and sprinted to the terminal.

Fifth Grader Asked To Deliver Something To Another Class Acts Like He Embarking On Medieval Quest | Dec 09 2016

Clutching a packet of papers tightly and waving farewell to his friends, fifth grader Eli Marks acted as though he was embarking on a medieval quest after being asked to deliver the papers to another class. “Mrs. Taggart’s classroom is all the way down the hallway, so who even knows if I’ll be back in time for lunch or not,” said Marks, proudly wielding a hall pass as though it was an ancient amulet that granted him invincibility.

Bold Kidnapping Victim Keeps Asking “Are We There Yet?” | Dec 09 2016

Rolling his eyes and kicking his feet against the trunk disruptively, kidnapping victim Kyle Montgomery repeatedly asked his captor whether they had reached their destination yet. “My head is at a really weird angle and there are no snacks back here,” Montgomery said as he struggled to loosen the ropes binding his wrists and ankles together.

Museum Of Natural History Acquires Some More Old Bullshit | Dec 09 2016

Marking the organization’s largest acquisition in nearly a decade, officials from the Museum of Natural History announced on Monday that they would be unveiling a bunch of old bullshit by the end of the year. “Up until now, most of our collection was comprised of some pretty old bullshit, as well as some more modern bullshit,” said curator Meredith Williams, who, in addition to overseeing acquisition and maintenance of bullshit for the museum, acts as the head of community outreach to ensure that everyone knows just how much old bullshit can be found in the building.

Zamboni Driver Wows Audience With Wheelie At Halftime | Dec 09 2016

Hoping to keep fans entertained at Friday’s hockey game at the University of Michigan, Zamboni operator Tom Henley performed nearly five minutes of tricks at halftime. Wowing fans with his combination of technical skill and an innate sense of showmanship, Henley offered the audience an array of moves including a McTwist, a Fender Grab, and three ollies.

"I'm So Overwhelmed With Work," Says Girl Taking Patronus Quiz On Pottermore For Fourth Time | Nov 04 2016

Exclaiming that her workload was out of control, and assuring her peers that she was overwhelmed, Pam Vilkus ‘19, carefully selected her answers on the Pottermore Patronus quiz for the fourth time. “I have to do three different problem sets by Thursday, and I have a group project due for my comparative literature class that I haven’t even started,” Vilkus explained as she struggled to decide whether she should click “glow” or “shimmer" on the Partonus quiz.

Unclear Where Water Going To Come Out From On Sleek Modern Sink | Nov 04 2016

Confusedly pressing various parts of a sleek chrome sink, local woman Taylor Hawkins had no idea where water would ultimately come out from on the device. “At first I thought water was going to come from this square part on the left, because it looks sort of like a faucet, but when I looked close there’s no hole anywhere on it where the water could come from.

Guy Who Inspired First Snowman Had Really Weird Body | Nov 04 2016

A new study conducted by Rutgers University has concluded that the guy who inspired the first snowman had a really weird body. Riley Lewis, the study’s leader, explains, “When my team first set out to find records of the man whose body inspired the first snowman, we expected it to be weird.

Lighthouse Operator Letting Wayward Ships Get Closer And Closer To Rocky Shore Just For The Thrill Of It | Nov 04 2016

Waiting until the last possible moment to turn on the lighthouse bulb to prevent a ship from crashing, lighthouse operator James Wade admitted that he has been letting ships get closer and closer to the rocky shore just for the thrill of it. “I used to be really vigilant about turning on the lighthouse as quickly as possible to usher ships safely into the harbor, but recently, I’ve been getting pretty bored and the only way I can feel anything is if I let the ships get dangerously close to the shore.

Priceless Portrait Destroyed By Bad Guy Who Wants To Use The Eyes As Peek Holes | Nov 04 2016

Gingerly cutting the eyes out of a beautiful oil portrait, local bad guy Doctor Blood justified his actions by explaining that he plans on using the holes to peek through. “I live in a very spooky and sinister house. I plan on hanging this portrait on the wall in my living room and using these little peek holes I made to secretly observe whoever is in there.” Disregarding the fact that the portrait was painted by Titian and undoubtedly worth millions of dollars, Doctor Blood proceeded to jam his finger through the peek holes to make sure they were big enough for him to see through.

Wax Figure Sculptor Makes Peace With Fact That He Will Be Murdered By One Of His Creations | Nov 04 2016

Nodding knowingly and sighing to himself, wax figure sculptor Ian Murray made peace with the fact that he will ultimately be murdered by one of his creations. Murray, who has been sculpting wax figures for over 30 years, has spent most of that time grappling with the reality that one of his wax characters will undoubtedly come to life and kill him one day.

"So You Hated It?" Says Annoying Waiter To Patrons Who Finished Entire Meal | Nov 04 2016

Smiling smugly to herself and fighting back a chuckle, local waitress Marsha Lang remarked, “So you hated it?” upon noticing that two patrons had polished off their entire meal. Lang went on to call one of the partons “buddy,” and went so far as to make unsolicited dessert recommendations based on her own personal preference.

Woman Hopes Man Taking Pictures Of Her On Street Creating Tasteful Photo Series Of Powerful Women | Nov 04 2016

After noticing a man taking candid photos of her as she walked down the street, local woman Grace Whittier hoped that he was compiling pictures for a tasteful photo series of powerful women. “He’s smirking to himself and nodding, which I know seems like a bad sign,” explained Whittier, as she attempted to hide her body behind a lamppost.

Obama Frantically Cleans White House In Hopes of Getting Security Deposit Back | Nov 04 2016

Scrambling to scrub a large wine stain out of the carpet on the floor of the Oval Office, President Barack Obama spent his entire week frantically cleaning the White House in the hopes of getting his security deposit back. “The end of my time here really snuck up on me,” said President Obama, placing a portrait of John Adams over a hole in the wall that was made when he dared a drunk Joe Biden to punch it as hard as he could.

Golden Retriever Wearing Bandanna Must Belong to Rich Family | Nov 04 2016

Sources report that the golden retriever bounding across the park looking healthy and clean and wearing a crisp red bandanna must belong to a rich family. “I don’t know who owns that dog, but I do know they’re loaded,” said Len Garcia, a jogger in the park.

Defunded Witness Protection Program Just Box Of Sunglasses And Fake Mustaches | Nov 04 2016

In an effort to cut costs, the FBI has announced that their witness protection program will now be comprised of a box of sunglasses and fake mustaches. “We are confident that these measures will put us back in the black, while also ensuring that our witnesses will be safe behind dark shades, and big bushy fake facial hair,“ explained Grant Carter, president of the program, as he tossed a handful of dollar store plastic glasses into a cardboard box with “witness protection” scrawled on the side in marker.

Yankee Stadium Introduces Sad New Breakup Jumbotron | Sep 16 2016

In an effort to appeal to broader audiences, Yankee Stadium introduced a sad new breakup jumbotron during Friday’s game against the Boston Red Sox. Similar in nature to the popular “kiss cam,” the stadium’s new breakup camera pans over sad-looking couples, giving them the opportunity to cut ties with each other in front of thousands of baseball fans.

Emailing Unsolicited Links To NPR Articles Dad’s Way Of Bonding With Teenage Daughter | Sep 16 2016

Scrolling through dozens of unsolicited links to NPR articles attached to emails from her father, 17-year-old Greer Davis confirmed Monday that the messages were her dad’s misguided attempt to bond with her. Greer explained that despite the consistency of the messages, she had never expressed interest in any of the subjects of the pieces her father emailed her.

I Shouldn’t Have To Serve On A Jury Because If I’m Locked In A Room With 11 People I’m Bound To Fall In Love With One Of Them | Sep 16 2016

I want to make one thing clear: I love and respect the American judicial system. I think that it is perfect, and should never change in any way. The right to a speedy trial is a really good idea, and I love the fact that everybody gets a lawyer. However, despite my love for the justice system, I do not think I should have to serve on a jury, because if I am placed in a room with 11 other people there is no way I won’t end up falling in love with at least one of them.

Scientists Conclude That Men, Women Who Sleep With Scientists Live 200% Longer | Sep 16 2016

In a groundbreaking new study published this week, scientists at Cornell University concluded that men and women who sleep with scientists can expect their lifespans to increase by upwards of 200 percent. “We’ve discovered that people who have sex with scientists can live to around 270 years of age,” explains Edgar Kline, head of the Cornell research team, adding that his studies indicated that that number may rise even higher for hot people.

Delusional Optimist Packs Two Books To Read On Plane | Sep 16 2016

Double checking that he had his tickets and ID, delusional optimist Cameron LeClair proceeded to tuck two books into his carry-on bag so that he could read them both on his flight from Albuquerque to Cleveland. “I’ve always wanted to read “Crime and Punishment”, and my sister-in-law told me that “Lean In” is really good, so I thought what better time to knock them both out,” said LeClair, making sure that his laptop was charged in case he had extra time during his flight after finishing the books and wanted to catch up on some work.

Study: 95% Of Medieval Knights’ Quests Undertaken In Hopes Of Getting Laid | Sep 16 2016

According to a study published this week in Medieval Archaeology, 95 percent of medieval knights’ quests were originally undertaken in the hopes of having sex with a beautiful woman upon their completion. “While it appears that a select few knights embarked on quests in the name of God or bravery, we found that a vast majority of medieval knights only went on dangerous quests because they thought they would ultimately get laid for doing so,” said the study’s leader, Kevin Peters of Columbia University, adding that many knights would even turn down quests if there were no sexy maidens watching them.

Woman Suppresses Sneeze To Avoid “Bless You” Interaction With Coworkers | Sep 16 2016

Holding her nose and squinting her eyes tightly, local woman Tess Cleary did everything in her power to suppress a sneeze Monday in order to avoid a “bless you” interaction with her coworkers . “It’s not like I really despise them or anything,” explained Clearly, dimming the brightness of her computer screen so her coworker’s couldn’t peek over her shoulder to see what she was up to in an attempt to start conversation.

Apple Maps Route Rendered Useless To Man With No Idea Which Direction He’s Facing | Sep 16 2016

Spinning around in an effort to orient himself, local man Joey Grigg’s Apple Maps route was reportedly rendered useless due to the fact that Grigg’s had no idea which way he was facing. Despite his prolonged efforts to figure out which direction was which by looking at the buildings around him and then attempting to locate them on his Apple map, Griggs was unable to figure out which way he was supposed to go in order to get to his acupuncture appointment on time.

“Eh, She’s A Six, Seven Tops,” Says Man Whose Personality Is A Two | Sep 16 2016

Drunkenly peering across a bar to judge women based on their physical appearance, local man Greg Donaldson confidently asserted, “Eh, she’s a six, seven tops,” despite the fact that his personality is a two. “Like, she’s cute, but so bland.

Entire Seminar Class Watches As Student Attempts To Quietly Open Bag Of Chips | Sep 16 2016

Students in Professor Taggart’s Greek History seminar sat rapt with attention Wednesday as they watched student Paul Hagan ‘17 attempt to quietly open a bag of chips during class. Carefully angled behind his desk in an effort to muffle the sound, Hagan did his best to subtly open the bag without causing a distraction.

God Is Big But Not As Big As People Think | Apr 29 2016

God. For years and years we’ve thought God was the biggest thing in the world. God is big, it turns out—real big. A close reading of the scripture and careful historical analysis reveals the truth. God is big but not as big as we generally think he is.

Grim Reaper Offers Victim AUX Cord During Journey To Underworld | Apr 29 2016

Offering his passenger a complimentary stick of gum and giving him full control of the music, the Grim Reaper is doing everything in his power to provide his victims with a safe, comfortable trip to the underworld. “For a while, I was pretty sad that I was dead,” said Mark Lassiter, who died of cancer last week, “but as soon as the Grim Reaper picked me up, I knew my trip to the underworld was going to be a good experience.” Lassiter credited the perfectly set air conditioning and the Grim Reaper’s casual, laid back attitude with making his trip worth a five star review.

Kids Who Underwent Absurd Trauma On Tour Of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory Write Amazing Common App Essays | Apr 29 2016

With plans to attend some of the nation’s top universities in the fall, the kids who underwent intense, cartoonish traumas on their tour of Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory all cited their terrible experiences as the driving force behind their academic success.

Woman Walks Home At Night Wearing Oculus Rift To Simulate Reality Where Women Aren’t Assaulted | Apr 29 2016

Walking down a dark alley alone Thursday night, local woman Hannah Brewster wore an Oculus Rift programmed to simulate a virtual world where women can feel safe commuting home late at night. “I prefer this virtual simulation where I can feel free to wear headphones and don’t need to hold pepper spray in my hand just in case,” explained Brewster, walking contentedly without constantly looking over her shoulder or obsessively reciting steps for disarming an attacker in her head.

Actor In Old Person Makeup Definitely Going To Be Young Person Later In Movie | Mar 11 2016

Upon seeing Eddie play an 80-year-old Paul Revere in the opening sequence of the new biopic The British Are Coming For Me, Moviegoers at Cherry Creek Cinema were not convinced that the actor would remain old for the length of the film. The 34-year-old actor was clearly wearing a great deal of makeup to make him look like an old man, and even walked hunched over with a pronounced limp.

Lonely Mom Refers To Teenage Son's Friends As "Her Boys" | Mar 11 2016

Waking up early to pack her son Jeremy a snack to share with his friends after soccer practice, Elizabeth Davis is constantly referring to her son’s friends as, “her boys.” “Mrs. D is the coolest,” said Gavin Mackenzie, a local ninth grader who spends most of his free time at the Davis residence.