“I ordered a new comforter the other day and didn’t know the box was gonna be this big!” said Padilla, struggling to balance the package on his shoulder as if it were a massive boar that he just killed with a spear. “I probably should have brought a friend to help with this.”

“Urgh, so heavy,” Padilla grunted, trudging across the Main Green to his dorm like a Paleolithic nomad trekking a distance of many miles to bring food back to his family. “I think I need to catch my breath for a second.”

At press time, Padilla was aggressively tearing through the packaging as if he were cutting open a dead hog to extract its meat.