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The Brown Noser

Alex Valenti


Alex's articles

Netflix Original Film Just C-List Actor And CGI | Dec 16 2022

Settling on a Netflix original film for their movie night, a local couple was treated to one and a half hours of watching a C-list actor and some CGI. “Oh, I think that guy was in a few episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine,” said Louise Bell, as she and her boyfriend watched the vaguely recognizable actor get chased by a ghost in some sort of Nordic forest.

Bottle Of Hand Soap Entering Stage Where You Really Have To Pump It | Dec 16 2022

According to the residents of a Transit Street apartment, the bottle of hand soap in the bathroom is entering the stage where you really have to pump it. “There’s not much in there so this is gonna take some work,” said Marnie Sprock, rolling up her sleeves and vigorously pumping the bottle’s plastic spout in an effort to extract the scant drops of soap congealed at the bottom.

Skeleton So Obsessed With Rattling His Bones | Oct 31 2022

To the chagrin of visitors to Swan Point Cemetery, a skeleton who hangs out there is reportedly so obsessed with rattling his bones. “Ugh, there he goes again,” said a disgruntled man visiting his family plot, covering his ears as the skeleton walked by with a loping, jangly gait, his bones clicking and clacking noisily.

Freshman Friend Group Already Planning Trip To New York As If They Won’t Hate Each Other In Three Weeks | Sep 16 2022

Reports indicate that a group of freshmen, reveling in the joys of new friendship, is already planning a trip to New York as if they won’t all hate each other in three weeks. “This is gonna be so fun!” said Kate Taggart, booking an Airbnb for six people who won’t be able to look each other in the eye by the time the trip rolls around.

Wine And Paint Class Makes It Easy For Adults To Paint Like Third Graders | Sep 16 2022

Since it opened in 2019, wine and paint bar Brushstroke Corner has been making it easy for any adult to paint like a third grader. “When you step into Brushstroke Corner, we want you to unlock the creative juices you didn’t know you had,” said manager Stephanie Burch, staring admiringly at the malformed, bizarrely colored paintings of dogs and flowers lining the walls of her studio.

Second Grader With Really Good Handwriting Achieving God Status Among Peers | Sep 16 2022

Reports from Lincoln Elementary School indicate that Gabbie Ardon, a second grader with really good handwriting, is achieving some sort of god status among her peers. “Look at that!” exclaimed classmate James Roshman, pointing at the poster Ardon was making for a report on snails.

Adult Animated Show Combines Sensitive Portrayals Of Relationships, Character Who Looks Like Penis | Sep 16 2022

[i]Chop Shop[/i], an adult animated show that recently debuted on Hulu, is garnering praise for its combination of sensitive depictions of relationships and a character who looks like a penis. “They might be cartoons, but these characters have rich inner lives and complex feelings towards one another, which shift in surprising and poignant ways over the course of the season,” wrote Vulture critic Mallory Esken in her review of the dramedy, which centers on a familyowned barbershop in Pittsburgh.

Professor Just Gonna Wait A Few More Minutes For People To Trickle In | Apr 22 2022

As the clock struck 1:00 PM, religious studies professor Evelyn Trandle announced that she was just gonna wait a few more minutes for people to trickle in. “Looks like we’re missing a couple people, so let’s just give them a few minutes,” Trandle told the nine students who had shown up to the seminar, glancing at her watch and shuffling the papers in front of her.

Guy Who Identifies With Larry David Annoying But Not At All Funny | Apr 22 2022

Acquaintances of area man Derek Fluberg, who strongly identifies with Larry David, report that he is annoying but not at all funny. “Watching Curb Your Enthusiasm was such a relatable experience for me,” said Fluberg during a recent conversation, suggesting his similarity to the protagonist of the HBO comedy series despite the fact that his behaviors rarely make anyone laugh.

Tangled Magician Wishing His Scarf Wasn’t So Long | Apr 22 2022

Finding himself cocooned in spirals of silk, tangled magician Hector LaZoo was wishing that his scarf wasn’t so long. “Drat!” said LaZoo, trying to free himself from the endless multicolored scarf he had just pulled from his sleeve. “It’s a delight to the senses but it’s just not practical.” At press time, the white doves flocking out of LaZoo’s top hat were becoming a bit of a hassle.

Latest Indy Absolutely Chock Full Of Musings | Mar 11 2022

Readers across campus report that the latest issue of the College Hill Independent is absolutely chock full of musings. “Wow, who knew there was so much to muse about!” said Marnie Aronson ‘24, ruminating on the musings of her peers. “Musings on technology, musings on the ocean, musings on that party last weekend—I’m glad these writers have so many muses.

Lit Arts Student Announces Plans To Play Around With Time In This One | Mar 11 2022

Literary Arts concentrator Cal Melonson recently announced to the other members of his Fiction II seminar that he’s gonna play around with time in this one. “I’m not sure if this is gonna work, it might just be too crazy, and let me know if it is, but I think I’m gonna make this piece non-linear,” said Melonson, discussing the four-page story he’s writing for class.

Annoying-Ass Bird Constantly Heralding Fine Mornings With Its Jubilant Song | Mar 11 2022

Residents of Spruce Street in Barrington report that they are constantly being woken by an annoying-ass bird which wants nothing but to herald fine mornings with its jubilant song. “Can that thing just shut up?” said Evan Prendor, as the sparrow outside his window sang in clear, sweet tones of the coming of a fresh day upon this verdant earth.

Area Man Resigns Himself To Humiliation Of Eating Big Sandwich In Public | Mar 11 2022

After deciding to have lunch outside on a sunny day, area man Brian Hepple resigned himself to the humiliation of eating a big sandwich in public. “Well, I guess this is what’s happening now,” said Hepple, unwrapping a deli sandwich that was, unfortunately, even bigger and less structurally sound than he had realized.

Grandma Reaching Age Where Her Cooking Getting Really Bad | Mar 11 2022

Members of the Cardano family report that grandmother Paula Cardano has reached the age where her cooking is getting really bad. “She used to make the most delicious ravioli,” said granddaughter Jessie Cardano as her grandmother dumped mayonnaise into some sort of stew she was making.

Kid Announces Plans To Roll Down That Hill | Mar 11 2022

Stopping in his tracks during a recent walk with his mother in Roger Williams Park, local eight-year-old Jake Fergus announced plans to roll down that hill. “I’m gonna roll down that hill!” exclaimed Fergus, running towards the grassy slope with glee and abandon. “Oh man it’s really high up! I’m probably gonna roll really fast. This is the best day ever.” At press time, Fergus announced plans to throw some sticks into the lake.

Poet Won’t Stop Saying O! | Mar 11 2022

Readers of nineteenth-century poet Lionel Crambert report that he’s kind of overdoing it with how many times he says “O!” “I get that he’s trying to communicate the sublime beauty of nature, but I really don’t think he needs to be putting an ‘O!’ in here every few words,” said literary critic Ida Belsky, flipping through a book of Crambert’s collected poems that includes works such as “O Mountain!” and “O Butterfly, O!” “He seems to be advancing a nuanced understanding of humanity’s interconnectedness with the natural world, but it’s honestly hard to tell with all these ‘O!’s everywhere.

Aging, Feeble Wizard Regrets Living At Top Of Incredibly Tall Tower With 10,000 Steps | Feb 04 2022

As he began to leave his chambers to bestow knowledge on a passing group of travelers, aging, feeble wizard Flamodius the Wise felt immense regret that he had decided to live at the top of an incredibly tall tower with 10,000 steps. “It certainly felt like the right choice at the time,” said Flamodius, recalling the day he set up shop in the spindly, vertiginous tower, which is located on an isolated mountain peak.

Nation’s Security Guards Announce Plans To Turn Their Backs Just As Thief Darts Across Video Monitor | Feb 04 2022

At a press conference on Wednesday, the nation’s security guards announced plans to turn their backs just as thieves dart across their video monitors. “We want to assure the public that when masked intruders enter the buildings we guard, we’ll make sure to be coincidentally distracted at the exact moment that our cameras catch the offenders breaking in,” said security guard Eric Plankson, who does the night shift at the biggest bank in the city.

Dejected Lit Arts Concentrator Who Couldn’t Get Into Class On Mushroom Poetry Forced To Take Workshop On Cloud Fiction | Feb 04 2022

Reading the rejection email on her laptop, forlorn Lit Arts concentrator Janice Newman realized she would have to abandon her efforts to enroll in a class on mushroom poetry and instead take a workshop on cloud fiction. “This just really sucks,” said Newman, airing her frustration at being turned away from LITR 1132B: Fungal Poetics and now having to slog through LITR 1520G: Fiction From Clouds.

Middle School Class Freaking The Fuck Out About Having To Write Bibliography | Dec 03 2021

Sources report that an entire seventh-grade class in Barrington Middle School is currently freaking the fuck out about having to write a bibliography. “What even is that??” said student Daisy Goldmeier, struggling to process the news that she and her classmates have to include bibliographies in their essays about the Civil Rights Movement.

Report: Hot Guy Also Good At Art, Fuck | Dec 03 2021

Jealous sources report that this hot guy is also good at art, fuck. “Ugh, he’s hot AND he makes beautiful screen prints? So not fair,” said an admirer of the attractive young man, scrolling through his Instagram page and noting both his impeccable bone structure and his enigmatic textile work. “He should not have both things! One is quite enough.” A chance encounter with the guy revealed that he’s also really nice, somehow?

Classmates In Lit Arts Class Think Your Piece Is Really Great But Maybe You Should Flesh Out The Characters A Bit More And Rethink The Premise And Just Get Rid Of Most Of What You Have Here | Dec 03 2021

The other students in your introductory fiction class reportedly think that the piece you submitted for workshop is really great, except that maybe you should flesh out the characters a bit more and rethink the premise and just get rid of most of what you have here.

Report: The Reverend Is Here | Oct 29 2021

Reports from the town of Knollhampton indicate that the Reverend is here. “Gather yourselves, neighbors, the good Reverend John from Bramford is here!” cried townswoman Lavinia Rushworth, gathering up her skirt as she bustled through Knollhampton’s central road to inform all she could that the fair and honest Reverend had just arrived at the town chapel.

Kid Gonna Roll Clay Into Really Long Rope | Oct 29 2021

A kid is reportedly going to roll her clay into a really long rope now. “Oh, there she goes, she shaped the clay into a cylinder and now she’s gonna roll it out,” said an onlooker, watching as the kid put all her weight into elongating the clay. “That rope is getting pretty long and thin. Good thing she’s being careful and making sure it doesn’t break. I’m glad she’s having fun.” At press time, the kid was planning to turn the rope into a cool spiral.

Man Hauling Home Large Package From Mailroom Like Prehistoric Hunter With Freshly Caught Boar | Oct 29 2021

Sophomore Kevin Padilla was seen hauling home a large package from the mailroom Tuesday as if he were a prehistoric hunter carrying a freshly caught boar. “I ordered a new comforter the other day and didn’t know the box was gonna be this big!” said Padilla, struggling to balance the package on his shoulder as if it were a massive boar that he just killed with a spear.

Upcoming Wes Anderson Film Will Feature Every Actor Alive | Oct 29 2021


University Leaders Excited To Welcome So Many Streams Of Revenue Back To Campus | Sep 17 2021

As University operations approach some level of normalcy thanks to the coronavirus vaccines, Brown’s senior administration expressed excitement to welcome so many streams of revenue back to campus. “After a year and a half of a campus that felt so unfamiliar to us, it brings me great joy to see the return of the cash flow that makes Brown such a vital place,” said Provost Richard Locke, grateful that safe and effective vaccines have allowed the University to rake in pre-pandemic levels of dough.

Headmaster So Cruel | Sep 17 2021

Accounts from pupils at Brumfield Academy, a boarding school for rambunctious youth, indicate that headmaster Alabaster Scribb is so, so cruel. “He’s a terrible man!” exclaimed William Rawling, a tiny boy now in his second year at Brumfield, glancing nervously about him for fear that the wicked headmaster would come storming down the hallway in a fury.

Kooky Tinkerers Call On Nation To Make Switch From Fossils Fuels To Rube Goldberg Machines | Sep 17 2021

At a press conference on Tuesday, the nation’s kooky tinkerers called on the American energy sector to abandon fossil fuels in favor of elaborate Rube Goldberg machines. “As the science on climate change has made alarmingly clear, it is imperative that we end our reliance on coal, oil, and natural gas and invest in intricate contraptions powered by silly chain reactions,” said tinkerer Ed Fredrickson as he passionately made the case for Rube Goldberg machine energy solutions.

Report: It’s Harvest Time | Sep 17 2021

Reports from the valley in the northern hills have made clear that it’s harvest time. “Looks like it’s time to harvest,” said area man Hector Clay as the autumn winds blew in and the valley turned a dusky shade of red. “Seems to be an ample crop this year.

Report: Man Saw That Band Live Once | Apr 09 2021

Sources report that area man Cliff Grober saw that band live once. “I saw them live last year actually,” said Grober upon hearing the band’s name pop up in a conversation. “It was a really great show. They sound so different in person than they do in the studio, it’s crazy. You should totally try to see them if you ever get the chance!” Grober also made it clear that he really misses concerts so much these days.

High Schooler’s Poetry Leaning Pretty Hard On Alliteration | Apr 09 2021

Sources in Cameron Palick’s creative writing class report that the high school junior’s poetry leans pretty hard on alliteration. “sweet soft skin on green grass, i see calm clouds,” a recent poem by Palick began, clearly trying to get a lot of mileage out of using words that begin with the same letter.

Vaccinated Grandmother Misses When Family Gave A Shit About Her | Apr 09 2021

Ever since she got her second dose of the COVID-19 vaccine, area grandmother Joan Gluck has been missing the days when her family gave a shit about her. “They used to call me all the time, but since I got vaccinated, zilch,” said Gluck, explaining that both her children and grandchildren have seemed to care significantly less about her well-being now that she is no longer highly vulnerable to the coronavirus.

Boston Dynamics Engineers Teach Robots To Be Ashamed Of Their Freakish Bodies | Apr 09 2021

A team of engineers at Boston Dynamics has successfully taught the company’s robots to be ashamed of their freakish metal bodies. “Last year we noticed that our bots simply had no shame in regard to the terrifying, dystopian appearances we had given them,” said project leader Ed LeFarge, describing the start of his team’s efforts to instill a deep sense of embarrassment in the nightmarish dog-like robots and the grotesque humanoid robots alike.

19th Century Japanese Ukiyo-e Master Always Hoped His Work Would End Up In Freshman Dorm Room Above Toiletry Basket | Mar 12 2021

According to recently unearthed documents, 19th century Japanese ukiyo-e master Hokusai always hoped that his art would end up in a freshman dorm room above a toiletry basket. “My greatest wish is for my work to adorn the rooms of college freshmen at liberal arts institutions across the United States,” wrote Hokusai in a journal entry, adding that he would be especially pleased if freshmen’s cheap prints were hung just above their grimy bins of shampoo and shaving cream.

Brown Can Pry My Kanopy Account From My Cold Dead Hands | Mar 12 2021

As my undergraduate experience comes to a close, I hear the big wide world beyond Brown calling my name. I am eager to start doing meaningful work, to move to a new city, and to begin the rest of my life. However, there is one thing which I will refuse to give up when I leave the Van Wickle Gates.

Indy Only Publishing In Lowercase Now | Mar 12 2021

As part of a recent suite of organizational overhauls, The College Hill Independent announced Wednesday that it will only be publishing in lowercase from now on. “Going forward, every letter in our paper will be in a tasteful, delicate lowercase,” said managing editor August Brinton, explaining that the use of ugly capital letters is not consistent with the Indy’s values.

Student Spending Days Alone In Hotel Room Like Doomed Character In '40s Noir | Feb 05 2021

Sources report that sophomore Darrell Michaelson has been spending days alone in his Omni Hotel room like a doomed character in a 1940s film noir. “It’s tough being cooped up in this room by myself,” said Michaelson, weathering another day living like a middle-aged furniture salesman in a classic Hollywood crime flick who has been forced into hiding due to unpaid debts.

Abandoning Calls For Community, Paxson Encourages Students To Become Fierce Lone Wolves | Feb 05 2021

As the University continues to encounter stumbling blocks in its response to the COVID-19 pandemic, President Christina Paxson abandoned previous calls for maintaining community and encouraged students to become fierce lone wolves. “In light of the difficult circumstances we face, I urge you to sever your ties to your peers and fight for your lives,” Paxson said in a video message to the student body on Wednesday.

Study Finds You’d Be Just As Miserable Without Pandemic | Feb 05 2021

A team of cognitive scientists at Brown have announced findings indicating that you would be just as miserable without the pandemic. “According to our research, you’d be as unhappy as you are now if you were completing a normal, in-person semester,” said head researcher Sanford Kozlov, noting that you were lonely and debilitatingly anxious about your future long before the pandemic began.

Area Man’s Pod Just His Roommates, Friends, Friends’ Roommates, Roommates’ Friends, Roommates’ Friends’ Friends | Feb 05 2021

Sources report that area man Joel Kimmelman’s pod consists of just his roommates, friends, friends’ roommates, roommates’ friends, and roommates’ friends’ friends. “I really only hang out with people in my pod,” said Kimmelman, a junior living off-campus, describing the wide range of social contacts that he deems are consistent with COVID-19 public health guidance.

Freshmen Left With No Hope Of Making Friends In Absence Of Ice Cream Social | Feb 05 2021

In the absence of the annual Ice Cream Social, it has become clear that this year’s freshman class has absolutely no hope of making friends. “Unfortunately, the Class of 2024 is going to remain pretty much friendless without the deeply formative experience that is the Ice Cream Social,” said Vice President for Campus Life Eric Estes, maintaining that the time-honored orientation week gathering is essential for first-years to build community.

ResLife Responding To All Emails With “Gone Fishing” | Feb 05 2021

Confused students report that the Office of Residential Life has started responding to all emails with a simple message of “Gone Fishing.” “I assumed that someone in the office would be able to answer my questions, but it seems not,” said freshman Alina Humm, expressing her dismay at ResLife’s two-word response to her inquiries.

Band Settles On Picture Of Hottest Member For Album Cover | Oct 30 2020

After careful deliberations over what image to use as the cover for their debut album, local indie rock band The Rotundas settled on a picture of their hottest member, bassist Jasper Lomes. “Jasper is clearly the hottest among us, so it just felt like a natural choice,” said lead singer Ted Pozar, commenting on the band’s decision to use a grainy polaroid of Lomes next to an old swing set as their album cover.

Expanding Chaos On Desk Starting To Look Intellectual | Oct 30 2020

Sources report that the expanding chaos on sophomore Laurie Tung’s desk is starting to look intellectual. “Stuff has been piling up here for a while, but at this point it’s honestly looking pretty scholarly,” said Tung, realizing that the accumulating books, papers, pens, and trash on her desk were crossing the threshold from messy to the hallmarks of a scattered but brilliant mind.

It Unclear Whether Student Band Good Or They Just Your Friends | Oct 30 2020

Senior Leo Curran reported on Thursday that it remains unclear whether the student band “Fragile Rat” is good or if they’re just his friends. “I love the band, but I’m not sure exactly why,” said Curran, reflecting on his enthusiasm for Fragile Rat, every member of which is a friend of his.

None Of Belt Holes Feeling Right | Oct 30 2020

Area man Kris Radling reported on Wednesday that none of his belt holes were feeling right. “One of them is a bit too tight, and the next one is too loose, so I really don’t know what to do now,” said Radling, furrowing his brow as he tried the two holes once again and found himself with an ill-fitting pants waist each time.

Week-Old Hobby Swiftly Assimilated into Personality | Oct 30 2020

Friends and acquaintances of area woman Alana Legault report that she has quickly assimilated her week-old embroidery hobby into her personality. “Embroidering is really what keeps me grounded,” said Legault confidently, fully embracing a skill she only recently learned as an essential component of her happiness and well-being.

Report: We’ll See | Oct 30 2020

According to a report released by experts around the country on Tuesday, we’ll see. “It’s really unclear what’s gonna happen at this point, guess we’ll see,” the report explained, noting that things could get better soon, but they also could get a lot worse, so, we’ll see.

Report: Fuck, Everyone Writing Pretty Long Posts On Canvas Discussion Board | Oct 30 2020

Logging onto the Canvas page for her American Studies class, junior Tess Navarro reported that, fuck, everyone is writing pretty long posts on the discussion board. “Shit, people are writing like 700 words here,” Navarro remarked in dismay, scrolling through a sequence of substantial, multi-paragraph responses to the week’s readings.

Confused Joe Biden Starting To Wonder If He Really Is Radical Socialist | Oct 30 2020

Watching yet another clip of President Trump vehemently accusing him of being an agent of the far left, a confused Joe Biden was starting to wonder if he really is a radical socialist. “I’ve always considered myself more on the centrist side of the party,” said Biden, shaking his head as he tried to make sense of the Trump campaign’s apparent conviction that he is a bastion of leftist agendas.

Report: The First Season Is Not Great But It Really Picks Up During The Second | Sep 25 2020

According to a report released by television watchers around the nation, the first season is not great but it really picks up during the second. “You’ve just gotta stick it out for those first ten episodes,” the report stated, explaining that the show really only found its footing in season two.

Watching Biopic Apparently Granted Mom First-Name Basis With Historical Figure | Sep 25 2020

Members of the Frankel family reported on Tuesday that mom Leslie Frankel is apparently on first-name basis with a historical figure after watching a biopic. Ever since the family watched The Imitation Game, Frankel has been referring to pioneering mathematician and computer scientist Alan Turing as “Alan.” “You’d think she knew the guy,” said Frankel’s son Jesse, explaining that his mother has been talking frequently about “Alan” for the past few days.

Area Man Will Make Whatever The Fuck New York Times Cooking App Tells Him To | Sep 25 2020

Sources report that area man Brent Carmino will make whatever the fuck The New York Times’ Cooking app tells him to. “I’m just completely at the mercy of this thing,” said Carmino, scrolling raptly through the app’s elegantly shot pictures of summer pastas.

BDH More Or Less Republishes Campus-Wide Email | Sep 25 2020

In keeping with the standard journalistic practice of the University newspaper, on Monday the Brown Daily Herald more or less republished a campus-wide email. Just a few hours after an email from President Christina Paxson arrived in the inboxes of all Brown community members, essentially identical information appeared in an article on the BDH website.

Report: Hell Yeah, Reading Has Pictures | Apr 24 2020

After opening the PDF document on Wednesday afternoon, it became clear to freshman Don LaGuardo that, hell yeah, this reading has pictures. “Oh sweet, there’s lots of pictures,” LaGuardo said with excitement, scanning the document and noting that, damn, at least a third of the pages have images.

Sushi Wrangled Into Mouth | Apr 24 2020

Sources report that area man Kenneth Gruber wrangled a piece of sushi into his mouth Thursday evening. “It was a big shrimp tempura roll, so I really had to finagle it to get it down the hatch,” said Gruber, describing how he contorted his face and labored to twist the roll around with his chopsticks in order to make it fit into his straining mouth.

Facebook “People You May Know” List Just People You Avoid | Mar 06 2020

Recent investigations have indicated that Facebook’s “People You May Know” list consists entirely of people you avoid. “I do know them,” senior Madeleine Lu said of those on the list Facebook had generated for her. “But I generally try to avoid them.

KIND Bar Condemned To Depths Of Backpack For All Eternity | Mar 06 2020

It became clear Tuesday that a KIND bar has been condemned to the depths of area man Jerrod Williston’s backpack for all eternity. “A week ago I took it with me as a snack but forgot about it, and at this point I think it’s staying down there forever,” Williston said, noting that the fruit and nut bar has receded into the deepest recesses of his Jansport.

Brown Instagram Account Informs Followers That It Is Winter | Mar 06 2020

On Wednesday, the Brown University Instagram account informed its 188,000 followers that it is winter. Posting a photo of bundled students walking through Faunce Arch with the caption “Brrr, winter on College Hill!” the account dutifully let the Brown community know that it is currently the year’s coldest season.

Shitty Folk Musician Not Sad | Mar 06 2020

Sources report that shitty folk musician Bret Greenspan is not sad. His inexplicable happiness became apparent at an open mic night on Thursday, when audience members noted that not even the slightest trace of pain or longing was visible on his face.

Ratty Continues to Test Limits of Squash | Dec 06 2019

Brown Dining Services announced Thursday that the Ratty will continue to test the limits of squash. “Our chefs are committed to pushing squash in bold new culinary directions,” said Director of Dining Services Brenda Lohman, noting the surprising versatility of the humble gourd.

Professor’s Website Looks Like Word Document | Dec 06 2019

Students of Mathematics Professor Gabe Schneider report that his website looks like a Word document. “It’s mostly just black text on a white background,” said junior Anita Diez, noting that the website only contains one page with no discernible organization.

Man Crossing Street Gives Polite Little Wave Entreating Driver Not to End His Life | Dec 06 2019

While crossing Charlesfield Street on Tuesday, area man Ron Sweeney gave a polite little wave to an approaching driver, entreating him not to end his life. “When I saw that car coming, I knew I had to give a friendly signal to avoid being plowed over and dying a horrific death,” Sweeney said, explaining that he politely implored the driver not to ram into him at full speed and shatter all of his bones.

The World Would Not Be the Same Without Martin Luther King Jr., Seventh Grade History Paper Reports | Dec 06 2019

According to seventh grader Timothy Rakowski’s history paper, the world would not be the same without Martin Luther King Jr. “Martin Luther King Jr. definitely changed the world,” Rakowski stated at the start of his one-page essay on the American civil rights leader.

Area Woman Carefully Adjusts Exposure on iPhone Photo Like She National Geographic Photographer | Oct 25 2019

In an effort to perfect an image of herself standing in a pumpkin patch, area woman Jenny Holmsted carefully adjusted the exposure on the iPhone photo as if she were a National Geographic photographer. Sources report that Holmsted tweaked the brightness in the photo with the meticulousness of a professional wildlife photographer capturing the world’s natural wonders.

Student Underlines Last Line of Novel Because That Probably Important | Oct 25 2019

Confidently uncapping his pen, sophomore Vincent Tomasi underlined the last line of the novel he was reading for his English seminar because that’s probably important. “It was a short line, but I figured it must be pretty critical, being the last line,” Tomasi said, drawing a little star next to the presumably significant final sentence.

Sexy Man In Movie Also Sexy Man In Real Life | Sep 13 2019

Audiences across the nation report that the sexy man in that movie is also a sexy man in real life. “He was so sexy in that movie,” a wide-eyed moviegoer said of the man. “And he’s so sexy when he’s not in movies. I thought it was just a costume that was making him so hot. But in pictures without that costume he is equally hot. It’s incredible.” Additionally, it appears that the short man in that movie is a short man in real life, too.

Writer Wishes Her Family Was A Little More Fucked Up | Sep 13 2019

Staring at a blank Word document and thinking back on a generally pleasant, comfortable childhood, local writer Cindy Stockton wished her family was a little more fucked up. “This would be a lot easier if I had some deep, underlying trauma caused by my dysfunctional family that’s been haunting me for years,” Stockton said.

Brown To Require Students To Purchase “Lobster Sundays” Dining Add-On To Improve Food Security | Sep 13 2019

According to a statement released Friday, Brown will require all students to purchase a new “Lobster Sundays” dining add-on in an effort to strengthen food security on campus. Under the new policy, students will receive a “delicious lobster lunch” every Sunday at the Sharpe Refectory for a mandatory fee.

Man Much More Fun In Emails Than Real Life | Sep 13 2019

Those who have corresponded with area man Alan Glass report that he is much more fun in emails than in real life. “His emails just had so much pizzazz,” said Julie Chu, a client of Mr. Glass’ realty firm. “Based on all of the exclamation points, GIFs, and words in all caps, he seemed like he would be an exciting guy with boundless energy, but in reality he was quite solemn.

Report: It’s So Weird To Be Back! | Sep 13 2019

According to all students returning to campus, it’s so weird to be back! The student body described in a press conference Thursday how crazy it is to return to the university they left just a few months prior. “Wow. It almost doesn’t feel real,” the students said with a dazed look of wonder in their eyes.

Freshman Repeating “So Where Are You From?” To Every Living Thing Encountered | Sep 13 2019

Sources report freshman Kyle Jeffries has been repeating “So where are you from?” to every living thing he encounters. “It started at the Ice Cream Social,” said fellow freshman Nigel Singh, noting that Jeffries immediately asked him and his friends the question when they met on the main green that night.

New True Crime Podcast Just Eerie Piano Plinks | Apr 19 2019

A new true crime podcast released Thursday, Suburban Shadows, apparently consists of nothing but eerie piano plinks. “When you start the first episode, your ears will be met by the lurching, off-beat piano music you’re expecting,” host Melanie Lang explained, “And this haunting melody will continue for the entirety of that episode and all that follow.

Muffin Getting Fucking Everywhere | Apr 19 2019

Those sitting nearby sophomore Garrett Rubin on Tuesday afternoon report that his muffin was getting fucking everywhere. “His lap was completely coated in crumbs from his triple-berry,” said junior Jennifer Álvarez, noting that muffin bits also blanketed his table and the floor around his feet.

Grandpa Really Starting to Look Like Shit | Apr 19 2019

Sources report that local grandfather Harold Bauman is really starting to look like shit. “Grandpa’s never been a looker, but things have really taken a turn for the worse recently” said grandson Josh Webster, describing how his grandfather had become pretty hideous in the last few months.

Study Finds Everything Bagels Actually Only Contain a Few Things | Apr 19 2019

The Food and Drug Administration released a report Wednesday summarizing their findings that everything bagels in fact only contain a few things. “Contrary to popular belief, so-called ‘everything’ bagels are not actually made of everything,” spokeswoman Julie Chen explained in a press conference.

Coroner Hoping Next Body Has Some Cool Stuff In It | Apr 19 2019

Gazing wistfully out his office window, County Coroner Dale McHenry was hoping that the next body he has to autopsy has some cool stuff in it. “Tumors, blood clots, internal bleeding, they’re all well and good," reported McHenry, "But I wish these corpses would have some wackier things in them, like marbles or nails.” McHenry described dreaming about opening up a cadaver and finding some bits of metal sticking out.

That’s Nice, Nation’s Grandmothers Report | Mar 08 2019

In a joint statement released Tuesday, the nation’s grandmothers asserted “that’s nice.” “Would you look at that, isn’t that lovely,” said grandmother Cynthia Fredrickson, who thought it was quite charming. “My husband Frank would have loved to see that. Goodness, that is just precious. I am one lucky grandma, aren’t I?” In a follow-up statement, the grandmothers made clear that you don’t see that kinda thing these days.

Brave Man Orders 3-Chili Menu Item | Dec 07 2018

In a stunning act of bravery, sources report that area man Gus Stevenson ordered a 3-chili menu item at a local Indian restaurant. “He usually gets 1- or 2-chili dishes when we go out which is already too much for me,” said Gus’s wife Cheryl. “So when he said he was getting a 3-chili dish, I was nervous, but Gus assured me he could handle it.

Report: Grandma Has Another Wicker Basket | Dec 07 2018

Sources close to local grandmother Esther MacLaine report that another wicker basket has appeared in her home. “When I walked in the other day it was just sitting there on the coffee table,” said Esther’s grandson about the new basket, which was already filled with stamps, broken pens, National Geographic magazines, and Splenda packets.

Man Gets Little Kick Out of Writing “Thus” | Dec 07 2018

As he began the conclusion to his philosophy paper, area man David Lipsky got a real kick out of writing the word “thus.” “Ah, that just feels great,” said Lipsky, typing out the four letters with a joyous twinkle in his eyes. “This will definitely bring my sentence to another level.

Weather Nice Today, Expert Conversationalists Report | Dec 07 2018

Those skilled in the art of conversation reported Tuesday afternoon that the weather is “really nice today.” “Thank God the sun finally came out," said Sam Greenfield, an expert in keeping a conservation going, to his friends. "It’s been so nasty these last few days.

Student With Pencil Tucked Behind Ear Must Be Soulful Wordsmith | Dec 07 2018

Upon seeing the pencil tucked behind his ear, all of Jared Burton’s classmates came to the conclusion that Burton must be a soulful wordsmith. “There’s no way this guy doesn’t write beautiful prose that is both witty and deeply intimate,” said classmate Laura Caputto, gazing at the young literary savant who doubtlessly uses the pencil balanced on his ear to record his shrewd musings on the world.