As University operations approach some level of normalcy thanks to the coronavirus vaccines, Brown’s senior administration expressed excitement to welcome so many streams of revenue back to campus.
“After a year and a half of a campus that felt so unfamiliar to us, it brings me great joy to see the return of the cash flow that makes Brown such a vital place,” said Provost Richard Locke, grateful that safe and effective vaccines have allowed the University to rake in pre-pandemic levels of dough.
Accounts from pupils at Brumfield Academy, a boarding school for rambunctious youth, indicate that headmaster Alabaster Scribb is so, so cruel. “He’s a terrible man!” exclaimed William Rawling, a tiny boy now in his second year at Brumfield, glancing nervously about him for fear that the wicked headmaster would come storming down the hallway in a fury.
At a press conference on Tuesday, the nation’s kooky tinkerers called on the American energy sector to abandon fossil fuels in favor of elaborate Rube Goldberg machines.
“As the science on climate change has made alarmingly clear, it is imperative that we end our reliance on coal, oil, and natural gas and invest in intricate contraptions powered by silly chain reactions,” said tinkerer Ed Fredrickson as he passionately made the case for Rube Goldberg machine energy solutions.
Reports from the valley in the northern hills have made clear that it’s harvest time. “Looks like it’s time to harvest,” said area man Hector Clay as the autumn winds blew in and the valley turned a dusky shade of red. “Seems to be an ample crop this year.
Sources report that area man Cliff Grober saw that band live once. “I saw them live last year actually,” said Grober upon hearing the band’s name pop up in a conversation. “It was a really great show. They sound so different in person than they do in the studio, it’s crazy. You should totally try to see them if you ever get the chance!” Grober also made it clear that he really misses concerts so much these days.
Sources in Cameron Palick’s creative writing class report that the high school junior’s poetry leans pretty hard on alliteration.
“sweet soft skin on green grass, i see calm clouds,” a recent poem by Palick began, clearly trying to get a lot of mileage out of using words that begin with the same letter.
Ever since she got her second dose of the COVID-19 vaccine, area grandmother Joan Gluck has been missing the days when her family gave a shit about her.
“They used to call me all the time, but since I got vaccinated, zilch,” said Gluck, explaining that both her children and grandchildren have seemed to care significantly less about her well-being now that she is no longer highly vulnerable to the coronavirus.
A team of engineers at Boston Dynamics has successfully taught the company’s robots to be ashamed of their freakish metal bodies.
“Last year we noticed that our bots simply had no shame in regard to the terrifying, dystopian appearances we had given them,” said project leader Ed LeFarge, describing the start of his team’s efforts to instill a deep sense of embarrassment in the nightmarish dog-like robots and the grotesque humanoid robots alike.
According to recently unearthed documents, 19th century Japanese ukiyo-e master Hokusai always hoped that his art would end up in a freshman dorm room above a toiletry basket.
“My greatest wish is for my work to adorn the rooms of college freshmen at liberal arts institutions across the United States,” wrote Hokusai in a journal entry, adding that he would be especially pleased if freshmen’s cheap prints were hung just above their grimy bins of shampoo and shaving cream.
As my undergraduate experience comes to a close, I hear the big wide world beyond Brown calling my name. I am eager to start doing meaningful work, to move to a new city, and to begin the rest of my life. However, there is one thing which I will refuse to give up when I leave the Van Wickle Gates.
As part of a recent suite of organizational overhauls, The College Hill Independent announced Wednesday that it will only be publishing in lowercase from now on. “Going forward, every letter in our paper will be in a tasteful, delicate lowercase,” said managing editor August Brinton, explaining that the use of ugly capital letters is not consistent with the Indy’s values.
Sources report that sophomore Darrell Michaelson has been spending days alone in his Omni Hotel room like a doomed character in a 1940s film noir.
“It’s tough being cooped up in this room by myself,” said Michaelson, weathering another day living like a middle-aged furniture salesman in a classic Hollywood crime flick who has been forced into hiding due to unpaid debts.
As the University continues to encounter stumbling blocks in its response to the COVID-19 pandemic, President Christina Paxson abandoned previous calls for maintaining community and encouraged students to become fierce lone wolves.
“In light of the difficult circumstances we face, I urge you to sever your ties to your peers and fight for your lives,” Paxson said in a video message to the student body on Wednesday.
A team of cognitive scientists at Brown have announced findings indicating that you would be just as miserable without the pandemic. “According to our research, you’d be as unhappy as you are now if you were completing a normal, in-person semester,” said head researcher Sanford Kozlov, noting that you were lonely and debilitatingly anxious about your future long before the pandemic began.
Sources report that area man Joel Kimmelman’s pod consists of just his roommates, friends, friends’ roommates, roommates’ friends, and roommates’ friends’ friends.
“I really only hang out with people in my pod,” said Kimmelman, a junior living off-campus, describing the wide range of social contacts that he deems are consistent with COVID-19 public health guidance.
In the absence of the annual Ice Cream Social, it has become clear that this year’s freshman class has absolutely no hope of making friends.
“Unfortunately, the Class of 2024 is going to remain pretty much friendless without the deeply formative experience that is the Ice Cream Social,” said Vice President for Campus Life Eric Estes, maintaining that the time-honored orientation week gathering is essential for first-years to build community.
Confused students report that the Office of Residential Life has started responding to all emails with a simple message of “Gone Fishing.” “I assumed that someone in the office would be able to answer my questions, but it seems not,” said freshman Alina Humm, expressing her dismay at ResLife’s two-word response to her inquiries.
After careful deliberations over what image to use as the cover for their debut album, local indie rock band The Rotundas settled on a picture of their hottest member, bassist Jasper Lomes.
“Jasper is clearly the hottest among us, so it just felt like a natural choice,” said lead singer Ted Pozar, commenting on the band’s decision to use a grainy polaroid of Lomes next to an old swing set as their album cover.
Sources report that the expanding chaos on sophomore Laurie Tung’s desk is starting to look intellectual. “Stuff has been piling up here for a while, but at this point it’s honestly looking pretty scholarly,” said Tung, realizing that the accumulating books, papers, pens, and trash on her desk were crossing the threshold from messy to the hallmarks of a scattered but brilliant mind.
Senior Leo Curran reported on Thursday that it remains unclear whether the student band “Fragile Rat” is good or if they’re just his friends.
“I love the band, but I’m not sure exactly why,” said Curran, reflecting on his enthusiasm for Fragile Rat, every member of which is a friend of his.
Area man Kris Radling reported on Wednesday that none of his belt holes were feeling right. “One of them is a bit too tight, and the next one is too loose, so I really don’t know what to do now,” said Radling, furrowing his brow as he tried the two holes once again and found himself with an ill-fitting pants waist each time.
Friends and acquaintances of area woman Alana Legault report that she has quickly assimilated her week-old embroidery hobby into her personality.
“Embroidering is really what keeps me grounded,” said Legault confidently, fully embracing a skill she only recently learned as an essential component of her happiness and well-being.
According to a report released by experts around the country on Tuesday, we’ll see. “It’s really unclear what’s gonna happen at this point, guess we’ll see,” the report explained, noting that things could get better soon, but they also could get a lot worse, so, we’ll see.
Logging onto the Canvas page for her American Studies class, junior Tess Navarro reported that, fuck, everyone is writing pretty long posts on the discussion board.
“Shit, people are writing like 700 words here,” Navarro remarked in dismay, scrolling through a sequence of substantial, multi-paragraph responses to the week’s readings.
Watching yet another clip of President Trump vehemently accusing him of being an agent of the far left, a confused Joe Biden was starting to wonder if he really is a radical socialist.
“I’ve always considered myself more on the centrist side of the party,” said Biden, shaking his head as he tried to make sense of the Trump campaign’s apparent conviction that he is a bastion of leftist agendas.
According to a report released by television watchers around the nation, the first season is not great but it really picks up during the second. “You’ve just gotta stick it out for those first ten episodes,” the report stated, explaining that the show really only found its footing in season two.
Members of the Frankel family reported on Tuesday that mom Leslie Frankel is apparently on first-name basis with a historical figure after watching a biopic.
Ever since the family watched The Imitation Game, Frankel has been referring to pioneering mathematician and computer scientist Alan Turing as “Alan.” “You’d think she knew the guy,” said Frankel’s son Jesse, explaining that his mother has been talking frequently about “Alan” for the past few days.
Sources report that area man Brent Carmino will make whatever the fuck The New York Times’ Cooking app tells him to.
“I’m just completely at the mercy of this thing,” said Carmino, scrolling raptly through the app’s elegantly shot pictures of summer pastas.
In keeping with the standard journalistic practice of the University newspaper, on Monday the Brown Daily Herald more or less republished a campus-wide email.
Just a few hours after an email from President Christina Paxson arrived in the inboxes of all Brown community members, essentially identical information appeared in an article on the BDH website.
After opening the PDF document on Wednesday afternoon, it became clear to freshman Don LaGuardo that, hell yeah, this reading has pictures.
“Oh sweet, there’s lots of pictures,” LaGuardo said with excitement, scanning the document and noting that, damn, at least a third of the pages have images.
Sources report that area man Kenneth Gruber wrangled a piece of sushi into his mouth Thursday evening. “It was a big shrimp tempura roll, so I really had to finagle it to get it down the hatch,” said Gruber, describing how he contorted his face and labored to twist the roll around with his chopsticks in order to make it fit into his straining mouth.
Recent investigations have indicated that Facebook’s “People You May Know” list consists entirely of people you avoid. “I do know them,” senior Madeleine Lu said of those on the list Facebook had generated for her. “But I generally try to avoid them.
It became clear Tuesday that a KIND bar has been condemned to the depths of area man Jerrod Williston’s backpack for all eternity. “A week ago I took it with me as a snack but forgot about it, and at this point I think it’s staying down there forever,” Williston said, noting that the fruit and nut bar has receded into the deepest recesses of his Jansport.
On Wednesday, the Brown University Instagram account informed its 188,000 followers that it is winter.
Posting a photo of bundled students walking through Faunce Arch with the caption “Brrr, winter on College Hill!” the account dutifully let the Brown community know that it is currently the year’s coldest season.
Sources report that shitty folk musician Bret Greenspan is not sad. His inexplicable happiness became apparent at an open mic night on Thursday, when audience members noted that not even the slightest trace of pain or longing was visible on his face.
Brown Dining Services announced Thursday that the Ratty will continue to test the limits of squash. “Our chefs are committed to pushing squash in bold new culinary directions,” said Director of Dining Services Brenda Lohman, noting the surprising versatility of the humble gourd.
Students of Mathematics Professor Gabe Schneider report that his website looks like a Word document. “It’s mostly just black text on a white background,” said junior Anita Diez, noting that the website only contains one page with no discernible organization.
While crossing Charlesfield Street on Tuesday, area man Ron Sweeney gave a polite little wave to an approaching driver, entreating him not to end his life.
“When I saw that car coming, I knew I had to give a friendly signal to avoid being plowed over and dying a horrific death,” Sweeney said, explaining that he politely implored the driver not to ram into him at full speed and shatter all of his bones.
According to seventh grader Timothy Rakowski’s history paper, the world would not be the same without Martin Luther King Jr.
“Martin Luther King Jr. definitely changed the world,” Rakowski stated at the start of his one-page essay on the American civil rights leader.
In an effort to perfect an image of herself standing in a pumpkin patch, area woman Jenny Holmsted carefully adjusted the exposure on the iPhone photo as if she were a National Geographic photographer.
Sources report that Holmsted tweaked the brightness in the photo with the meticulousness of a professional wildlife photographer capturing the world’s natural wonders.
Confidently uncapping his pen, sophomore Vincent Tomasi underlined the last line of the novel he was reading for his English seminar because that’s probably important. “It was a short line, but I figured it must be pretty critical, being the last line,” Tomasi said, drawing a little star next to the presumably significant final sentence.
Audiences across the nation report that the sexy man in that movie is also a sexy man in real life. “He was so sexy in that movie,” a wide-eyed moviegoer said of the man. “And he’s so sexy when he’s not in movies. I thought it was just a costume that was making him so hot. But in pictures without that costume he is equally hot. It’s incredible.” Additionally, it appears that the short man in that movie is a short man in real life, too.
Staring at a blank Word document and thinking back on a generally pleasant, comfortable childhood, local writer Cindy Stockton wished her family was a little more fucked up.
“This would be a lot easier if I had some deep, underlying trauma caused by my dysfunctional family that’s been haunting me for years,” Stockton said.
According to a statement released Friday, Brown will require all students to purchase a new “Lobster Sundays” dining add-on in an effort to strengthen food security on campus. Under the new policy, students will receive a “delicious lobster lunch” every Sunday at the Sharpe Refectory for a mandatory fee.
Those who have corresponded with area man Alan Glass report that he is much more fun in emails than in real life. “His emails just had so much pizzazz,” said Julie Chu, a client of Mr. Glass’ realty firm. “Based on all of the exclamation points, GIFs, and words in all caps, he seemed like he would be an exciting guy with boundless energy, but in reality he was quite solemn.
According to all students returning to campus, it’s so weird to be back! The student body described in a press conference Thursday how crazy it is to return to the university they left just a few months prior. “Wow. It almost doesn’t feel real,” the students said with a dazed look of wonder in their eyes.
Sources report freshman Kyle Jeffries has been repeating “So where are you from?” to every living thing he encounters.
“It started at the Ice Cream Social,” said fellow freshman Nigel Singh, noting that Jeffries immediately asked him and his friends the question when they met on the main green that night.
A new true crime podcast released Thursday, Suburban Shadows, apparently consists of nothing but eerie piano plinks. “When you start the first episode, your ears will be met by the lurching, off-beat piano music you’re expecting,” host Melanie Lang explained, “And this haunting melody will continue for the entirety of that episode and all that follow.
Those sitting nearby sophomore Garrett Rubin on Tuesday afternoon report that his muffin was getting fucking everywhere.
“His lap was completely coated in crumbs from his triple-berry,” said junior Jennifer Álvarez, noting that muffin bits also blanketed his table and the floor around his feet.
Sources report that local grandfather Harold Bauman is really starting to look like shit. “Grandpa’s never been a looker, but things have really taken a turn for the worse recently” said grandson Josh Webster, describing how his grandfather had become pretty hideous in the last few months.
The Food and Drug Administration released a report Wednesday summarizing their findings that everything bagels in fact only contain a few things.
“Contrary to popular belief, so-called ‘everything’ bagels are not actually made of everything,” spokeswoman Julie Chen explained in a press conference.
Gazing wistfully out his office window, County Coroner Dale McHenry was hoping that the next body he has to autopsy has some cool stuff in it.
“Tumors, blood clots, internal bleeding, they’re all well and good," reported McHenry, "But I wish these corpses would have some wackier things in them, like marbles or nails.”
McHenry described dreaming about opening up a cadaver and finding some bits of metal sticking out.
In a joint statement released Tuesday, the nation’s grandmothers asserted “that’s nice.” “Would you look at that, isn’t that lovely,” said grandmother Cynthia Fredrickson, who thought it was quite charming. “My husband Frank would have loved to see that. Goodness, that is just precious. I am one lucky grandma, aren’t I?” In a follow-up statement, the grandmothers made clear that you don’t see that kinda thing these days.
In a stunning act of bravery, sources report that area man Gus Stevenson ordered a 3-chili menu item at a local Indian restaurant. “He usually gets 1- or 2-chili dishes when we go out which is already too much for me,” said Gus’s wife Cheryl. “So when he said he was getting a 3-chili dish, I was nervous, but Gus assured me he could handle it.
Sources close to local grandmother Esther MacLaine report that another wicker basket has appeared in her home. “When I walked in the other day it was just sitting there on the coffee table,” said Esther’s grandson about the new basket, which was already filled with stamps, broken pens, National Geographic magazines, and Splenda packets.
As he began the conclusion to his philosophy paper, area man David Lipsky got a real kick out of writing the word “thus.” “Ah, that just feels great,” said Lipsky, typing out the four letters with a joyous twinkle in his eyes. “This will definitely bring my sentence to another level.
Those skilled in the art of conversation reported Tuesday afternoon that the weather is “really nice today.”
“Thank God the sun finally came out," said Sam Greenfield, an expert in keeping a conservation going, to his friends. "It’s been so nasty these last few days.
Upon seeing the pencil tucked behind his ear, all of Jared Burton’s classmates came to the conclusion that Burton must be a soulful wordsmith.
“There’s no way this guy doesn’t write beautiful prose that is both witty and deeply intimate,” said classmate Laura Caputto, gazing at the young literary savant who doubtlessly uses the pencil balanced on his ear to record his shrewd musings on the world.