Tuesday, July 14, 2020
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

Alex Valenti


Alex's articles

Report: Hell Yeah, Reading Has Pictures | Apr 24 2020

After opening the PDF document on Wednesday afternoon, it became clear to freshman Don LaGuardo that, hell yeah, this reading has pictures. “Oh sweet, there’s lots of pictures,” LaGuardo said with excitement, scanning the document and noting that, damn, at least a third of the pages have images.

Sushi Wrangled Into Mouth | Apr 24 2020

Sources report that area man Kenneth Gruber wrangled a piece of sushi into his mouth Thursday evening. “It was a big shrimp tempura roll, so I really had to finagle it to get it down the hatch,” said Gruber, describing how he contorted his face and labored to twist the roll around with his chopsticks in order to make it fit into his straining mouth.

Facebook “People You May Know” List Just People You Avoid | Mar 06 2020

Recent investigations have indicated that Facebook’s “People You May Know” list consists entirely of people you avoid. “I do know them,” senior Madeleine Lu said of those on the list Facebook had generated for her. “But I generally try to avoid them.

KIND Bar Condemned To Depths Of Backpack For All Eternity | Mar 06 2020

It became clear Tuesday that a KIND bar has been condemned to the depths of area man Jerrod Williston’s backpack for all eternity. “A week ago I took it with me as a snack but forgot about it, and at this point I think it’s staying down there forever,” Williston said, noting that the fruit and nut bar has receded into the deepest recesses of his Jansport.

Brown Instagram Account Informs Followers That It Is Winter | Mar 06 2020

On Wednesday, the Brown University Instagram account informed its 188,000 followers that it is winter. Posting a photo of bundled students walking through Faunce Arch with the caption “Brrr, winter on College Hill!” the account dutifully let the Brown community know that it is currently the year’s coldest season.

Shitty Folk Musician Not Sad | Mar 06 2020

Sources report that shitty folk musician Bret Greenspan is not sad. His inexplicable happiness became apparent at an open mic night on Thursday, when audience members noted that not even the slightest trace of pain or longing was visible on his face.

Ratty Continues to Test Limits of Squash | Dec 06 2019

Brown Dining Services announced Thursday that the Ratty will continue to test the limits of squash. “Our chefs are committed to pushing squash in bold new culinary directions,” said Director of Dining Services Brenda Lohman, noting the surprising versatility of the humble gourd.

Professor’s Website Looks Like Word Document | Dec 06 2019

Students of Mathematics Professor Gabe Schneider report that his website looks like a Word document. “It’s mostly just black text on a white background,” said junior Anita Diez, noting that the website only contains one page with no discernible organization.

Man Crossing Street Gives Polite Little Wave Entreating Driver Not to End His Life | Dec 06 2019

While crossing Charlesfield Street on Tuesday, area man Ron Sweeney gave a polite little wave to an approaching driver, entreating him not to end his life. “When I saw that car coming, I knew I had to give a friendly signal to avoid being plowed over and dying a horrific death,” Sweeney said, explaining that he politely implored the driver not to ram into him at full speed and shatter all of his bones.

The World Would Not Be the Same Without Martin Luther King Jr., Seventh Grade History Paper Reports | Dec 06 2019

According to seventh grader Timothy Rakowski’s history paper, the world would not be the same without Martin Luther King Jr. “Martin Luther King Jr. definitely changed the world,” Rakowski stated at the start of his one-page essay on the American civil rights leader.

Area Woman Carefully Adjusts Exposure on iPhone Photo Like She National Geographic Photographer | Oct 25 2019

In an effort to perfect an image of herself standing in a pumpkin patch, area woman Jenny Holmsted carefully adjusted the exposure on the iPhone photo as if she were a National Geographic photographer. Sources report that Holmsted tweaked the brightness in the photo with the meticulousness of a professional wildlife photographer capturing the world’s natural wonders.

Student Underlines Last Line of Novel Because That Probably Important | Oct 25 2019

Confidently uncapping his pen, sophomore Vincent Tomasi underlined the last line of the novel he was reading for his English seminar because that’s probably important. “It was a short line, but I figured it must be pretty critical, being the last line,” Tomasi said, drawing a little star next to the presumably significant final sentence.

Sexy Man In Movie Also Sexy Man In Real Life | Sep 13 2019

Audiences across the nation report that the sexy man in that movie is also a sexy man in real life. “He was so sexy in that movie,” a wide-eyed moviegoer said of the man. “And he’s so sexy when he’s not in movies. I thought it was just a costume that was making him so hot. But in pictures without that costume he is equally hot. It’s incredible.” Additionally, it appears that the short man in that movie is a short man in real life, too.

Writer Wishes Her Family Was A Little More Fucked Up | Sep 13 2019

Staring at a blank Word document and thinking back on a generally pleasant, comfortable childhood, local writer Cindy Stockton wished her family was a little more fucked up. “This would be a lot easier if I had some deep, underlying trauma caused by my dysfunctional family that’s been haunting me for years,” Stockton said.

Brown To Require Students To Purchase “Lobster Sundays” Dining Add-On To Improve Food Security | Sep 13 2019

According to a statement released Friday, Brown will require all students to purchase a new “Lobster Sundays” dining add-on in an effort to strengthen food security on campus. Under the new policy, students will receive a “delicious lobster lunch” every Sunday at the Sharpe Refectory for a mandatory fee.

Man Much More Fun In Emails Than Real Life | Sep 13 2019

Those who have corresponded with area man Alan Glass report that he is much more fun in emails than in real life. “His emails just had so much pizzazz,” said Julie Chu, a client of Mr. Glass’ realty firm. “Based on all of the exclamation points, GIFs, and words in all caps, he seemed like he would be an exciting guy with boundless energy, but in reality he was quite solemn.

Report: It’s So Weird To Be Back! | Sep 13 2019

According to all students returning to campus, it’s so weird to be back! The student body described in a press conference Thursday how crazy it is to return to the university they left just a few months prior. “Wow. It almost doesn’t feel real,” the students said with a dazed look of wonder in their eyes.

Freshman Repeating “So Where Are You From?” To Every Living Thing Encountered | Sep 13 2019

Sources report freshman Kyle Jeffries has been repeating “So where are you from?” to every living thing he encounters. “It started at the Ice Cream Social,” said fellow freshman Nigel Singh, noting that Jeffries immediately asked him and his friends the question when they met on the main green that night.

New True Crime Podcast Just Eerie Piano Plinks | Apr 19 2019

A new true crime podcast released Thursday, Suburban Shadows, apparently consists of nothing but eerie piano plinks. “When you start the first episode, your ears will be met by the lurching, off-beat piano music you’re expecting,” host Melanie Lang explained, “And this haunting melody will continue for the entirety of that episode and all that follow.

Muffin Getting Fucking Everywhere | Apr 19 2019

Those sitting nearby sophomore Garrett Rubin on Tuesday afternoon report that his muffin was getting fucking everywhere. “His lap was completely coated in crumbs from his triple-berry,” said junior Jennifer Álvarez, noting that muffin bits also blanketed his table and the floor around his feet.

Grandpa Really Starting to Look Like Shit | Apr 19 2019

Sources report that local grandfather Harold Bauman is really starting to look like shit. “Grandpa’s never been a looker, but things have really taken a turn for the worse recently” said grandson Josh Webster, describing how his grandfather had become pretty hideous in the last few months.

Study Finds Everything Bagels Actually Only Contain a Few Things | Apr 19 2019

The Food and Drug Administration released a report Wednesday summarizing their findings that everything bagels in fact only contain a few things. “Contrary to popular belief, so-called ‘everything’ bagels are not actually made of everything,” spokeswoman Julie Chen explained in a press conference.

Coroner Hoping Next Body Has Some Cool Stuff In It | Apr 19 2019

Gazing wistfully out his office window, County Coroner Dale McHenry was hoping that the next body he has to autopsy has some cool stuff in it. “Tumors, blood clots, internal bleeding, they’re all well and good," reported McHenry, "But I wish these corpses would have some wackier things in them, like marbles or nails.” McHenry described dreaming about opening up a cadaver and finding some bits of metal sticking out.

That’s Nice, Nation’s Grandmothers Report | Mar 08 2019

In a joint statement released Tuesday, the nation’s grandmothers asserted “that’s nice.” “Would you look at that, isn’t that lovely,” said grandmother Cynthia Fredrickson, who thought it was quite charming. “My husband Frank would have loved to see that. Goodness, that is just precious. I am one lucky grandma, aren’t I?” In a follow-up statement, the grandmothers made clear that you don’t see that kinda thing these days.

Brave Man Orders 3-Chili Menu Item | Dec 07 2018

In a stunning act of bravery, sources report that area man Gus Stevenson ordered a 3-chili menu item at a local Indian restaurant. “He usually gets 1- or 2-chili dishes when we go out which is already too much for me,” said Gus’s wife Cheryl. “So when he said he was getting a 3-chili dish, I was nervous, but Gus assured me he could handle it.

Report: Grandma Has Another Wicker Basket | Dec 07 2018

Sources close to local grandmother Esther MacLaine report that another wicker basket has appeared in her home. “When I walked in the other day it was just sitting there on the coffee table,” said Esther’s grandson about the new basket, which was already filled with stamps, broken pens, National Geographic magazines, and Splenda packets.

Man Gets Little Kick Out of Writing “Thus” | Dec 07 2018

As he began the conclusion to his philosophy paper, area man David Lipsky got a real kick out of writing the word “thus.” “Ah, that just feels great,” said Lipsky, typing out the four letters with a joyous twinkle in his eyes. “This will definitely bring my sentence to another level.

Weather Nice Today, Expert Conversationalists Report | Dec 07 2018

Those skilled in the art of conversation reported Tuesday afternoon that the weather is “really nice today.” “Thank God the sun finally came out," said Sam Greenfield, an expert in keeping a conservation going, to his friends. "It’s been so nasty these last few days.

Student With Pencil Tucked Behind Ear Must Be Soulful Wordsmith | Dec 07 2018

Upon seeing the pencil tucked behind his ear, all of Jared Burton’s classmates came to the conclusion that Burton must be a soulful wordsmith. “There’s no way this guy doesn’t write beautiful prose that is both witty and deeply intimate,” said classmate Laura Caputto, gazing at the young literary savant who doubtlessly uses the pencil balanced on his ear to record his shrewd musings on the world.