Sunday, September 15, 2019
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The Brown Noser

Alex Valenti


Alex's articles

Sexy Man In Movie Also Sexy Man In Real Life | Sep 13 2019

Audiences across the nation report that the sexy man in that movie is also a sexy man in real life. “He was so sexy in that movie,” a wide-eyed moviegoer said of the man. “And he’s so sexy when he’s not in movies. I thought it was just a costume that was making him so hot. But in pictures without that costume he is equally hot. It’s incredible.” Additionally, it appears that the short man in that movie is a short man in real life, too.

Writer Wishes Her Family Was A Little More Fucked Up | Sep 13 2019

Staring at a blank Word document and thinking back on a generally pleasant, comfortable childhood, local writer Cindy Stockton wished her family was a little more fucked up. “This would be a lot easier if I had some deep, underlying trauma caused by my dysfunctional family that’s been haunting me for years,” Stockton said.

Brown To Require Students To Purchase “Lobster Sundays” Dining Add-On To Improve Food Security | Sep 13 2019

According to a statement released Friday, Brown will require all students to purchase a new “Lobster Sundays” dining add-on in an effort to strengthen food security on campus. Under the new policy, students will receive a “delicious lobster lunch” every Sunday at the Sharpe Refectory for a mandatory fee.

Man Much More Fun In Emails Than Real Life | Sep 13 2019

Those who have corresponded with area man Alan Glass report that he is much more fun in emails than in real life. “His emails just had so much pizzazz,” said Julie Chu, a client of Mr. Glass’ realty firm. “Based on all of the exclamation points, GIFs, and words in all caps, he seemed like he would be an exciting guy with boundless energy, but in reality he was quite solemn.

Report: It’s So Weird To Be Back! | Sep 13 2019

According to all students returning to campus, it’s so weird to be back! The student body described in a press conference Thursday how crazy it is to return to the university they left just a few months prior. “Wow. It almost doesn’t feel real,” the students said with a dazed look of wonder in their eyes.

Freshman Repeating “So Where Are You From?” To Every Living Thing Encountered | Sep 13 2019

Sources report freshman Kyle Jeffries has been repeating “So where are you from?” to every living thing he encounters. “It started at the Ice Cream Social,” said fellow freshman Nigel Singh, noting that Jeffries immediately asked him and his friends the question when they met on the main green that night.

New True Crime Podcast Just Eerie Piano Plinks | Apr 19 2019

A new true crime podcast released Thursday, Suburban Shadows, apparently consists of nothing but eerie piano plinks. “When you start the first episode, your ears will be met by the lurching, off-beat piano music you’re expecting,” host Melanie Lang explained, “And this haunting melody will continue for the entirety of that episode and all that follow.

Muffin Getting Fucking Everywhere | Apr 19 2019

Those sitting nearby sophomore Garrett Rubin on Tuesday afternoon report that his muffin was getting fucking everywhere. “His lap was completely coated in crumbs from his triple-berry,” said junior Jennifer Álvarez, noting that muffin bits also blanketed his table and the floor around his feet.

Grandpa Really Starting to Look Like Shit | Apr 19 2019

Sources report that local grandfather Harold Bauman is really starting to look like shit. “Grandpa’s never been a looker, but things have really taken a turn for the worse recently” said grandson Josh Webster, describing how his grandfather had become pretty hideous in the last few months.

Study Finds Everything Bagels Actually Only Contain a Few Things | Apr 19 2019

The Food and Drug Administration released a report Wednesday summarizing their findings that everything bagels in fact only contain a few things. “Contrary to popular belief, so-called ‘everything’ bagels are not actually made of everything,” spokeswoman Julie Chen explained in a press conference.

Coroner Hoping Next Body Has Some Cool Stuff In It | Apr 19 2019

Gazing wistfully out his office window, County Coroner Dale McHenry was hoping that the next body he has to autopsy has some cool stuff in it. “Tumors, blood clots, internal bleeding, they’re all well and good," reported McHenry, "But I wish these corpses would have some wackier things in them, like marbles or nails.” McHenry described dreaming about opening up a cadaver and finding some bits of metal sticking out.

That’s Nice, Nation’s Grandmothers Report | Mar 08 2019

In a joint statement released Tuesday, the nation’s grandmothers asserted “that’s nice.” “Would you look at that, isn’t that lovely,” said grandmother Cynthia Fredrickson, who thought it was quite charming. “My husband Frank would have loved to see that. Goodness, that is just precious. I am one lucky grandma, aren’t I?” In a follow-up statement, the grandmothers made clear that you don’t see that kinda thing these days.

Brave Man Orders 3-Chili Menu Item | Dec 07 2018

In a stunning act of bravery, sources report that area man Gus Stevenson ordered a 3-chili menu item at a local Indian restaurant. “He usually gets 1- or 2-chili dishes when we go out which is already too much for me,” said Gus’s wife Cheryl. “So when he said he was getting a 3-chili dish, I was nervous, but Gus assured me he could handle it.

Report: Grandma Has Another Wicker Basket | Dec 07 2018

Sources close to local grandmother Esther MacLaine report that another wicker basket has appeared in her home. “When I walked in the other day it was just sitting there on the coffee table,” said Esther’s grandson about the new basket, which was already filled with stamps, broken pens, National Geographic magazines, and Splenda packets.

Man Gets Little Kick Out of Writing “Thus” | Dec 07 2018

As he began the conclusion to his philosophy paper, area man David Lipsky got a real kick out of writing the word “thus.” “Ah, that just feels great,” said Lipsky, typing out the four letters with a joyous twinkle in his eyes. “This will definitely bring my sentence to another level.

Weather Nice Today, Expert Conversationalists Report | Dec 07 2018

Those skilled in the art of conversation reported Tuesday afternoon that the weather is “really nice today.” “Thank God the sun finally came out," said Sam Greenfield, an expert in keeping a conservation going, to his friends. "It’s been so nasty these last few days.

Student With Pencil Tucked Behind Ear Must Be Soulful Wordsmith | Dec 07 2018

Upon seeing the pencil tucked behind his ear, all of Jared Burton’s classmates came to the conclusion that Burton must be a soulful wordsmith. “There’s no way this guy doesn’t write beautiful prose that is both witty and deeply intimate,” said classmate Laura Caputto, gazing at the young literary savant who doubtlessly uses the pencil balanced on his ear to record his shrewd musings on the world.