“My husband and I decided that it would be better if Brett wasn’t exposed to all that violent and sexual programming at a young age,” said Radner’s mother, Jocelyn.

“Yeah, I didn’t really watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” said Radner. “I hear that there weren’t even any perfect 10’s on that show, so I guess I didn’t miss out too much.” Radner’s last relationship ended after he told an off-color joke about the female candidates in the 2016 presidential race.

“TV’s really bad for you,” he added as he finished a slushie. “It forces you into social isolation, and I’m definitely a people person.” Radner’s childhood friends responded that he rarely joins them at social gatherings. “We stopped hanging out because whenever he comes over, he always tries to fight my boyfriend,” said Maddy Ziegler, one of Radner’s childhood friends.

“The real world isn’t like sitcoms or reality television. The media is usually telling us some pretty messed up things about how to act and what to feel,” Radner said as he scrolled rapidly through Lightning Deals for shoes on Amazon.

“I guess I’m lucky I don’t have to worry about that stuff,” he added, before deciding to watch the first movie Netflix’s algorithms recommended for him.

At press time, Radner was texting a bunch of his buddies to see if they wanted to go paintballing.